Guys, just finished speaking with my cousin about some issues. He seems 2 need help cos its tearing him apart but his wifey refuses to discuss it. He is not in NL and though I asked his permission 2 post it and he didn't refuse. He is crushed and needs some kind of advice.

He had a major fight with Wifey a few days 2 their wedding. The issues causing the fight were major ones, about family and in-laws. She wasn't sure his family accepted her but they had tackled this issue over and over and he has asked her 2 trust him. They've dated since University and they are both working. They've been 2gether 4 six years. They wanted 2 get 2 know themselves, build individual independence 4rm each other b4 they tired the knot, which they were about 2 do then this issue came up.

The major fight: The major fight they had was so bad that she said some nasty things about his mom and his family. U can't blame the girl, she has been almost on her head organizing their wedding. He was so hurt that he told her something nasty, then they started shouting, and then screaming at each other. She was really mad she attacked him and they came 2 blows off which she was doing the blowing and he was trying to hold her off. They ended up making luv.

What is killing him? Now he is convinced he must have forced her 2 make luv wit him that day, even though it solve the problem then. He says he really can't remember how it happened but things happened so fast. Beside since then they have not had any re-occurrence of the issue. The only time he tried to discuss it with her, she was really so depressed that after he helped her out of her depression he was really scared to bring it up again. They've been making luv since then without problems but he hopes she'd talk 2 him about it so he can relax his mind. Its killing him cos he luvs her and he didn't mean 2 hurt her if he did, but then how can he know if she doesn't talk 2 him about it. Their marriage is fine, she is crazy about him and he is also really in2 her. How can he make her talk 2 him?

They can hump each other effortlessly but they can't communicate a simple conversation?   

What's the REAL issue?

He should continue to sweet talk her. He should be gentle and not lose his patience. She will come around it's just a matter of time

What is he really worried about?

Name calling, being violent or sleeping wt her

For all the above, simply vocalize his apologies and await events

Finito

how hard is sitting your lover down for a face to face talk?
And if that wont do,how bout a back to back?

doe-eyed:

What is he really worried about?

Name calling, being violent or sleeping wt her

For all the above, simply vocalize his apologies and await events

Finito

From what I understood he is worried that he must have subdued her when she attacked him with blows that day. He says he really can't remember he only remembers she was on him in a flash and he tried 2 defend his face from her fingers. When it go unbearable, he took hold of her two hands with the intention to make her stop hitting him (by this time he was very mad). He tend forced then behind her back, while doing this she slipped backwards with him holding her and they both fell on the bed behind her. She was still struggling under him when he started kissing, and then u know the rest,

Erm say what now? This story is very incoherent.

Am sure they had sex without the lady saying anything, and after that she just got up and everything to him went on smoothly but he can infer otherwise from her behaviours. Just Say; LAGBAJA!!! I AM SO SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER TIME, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM MY FAMILY OR WHAT ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF THEM? LET ME KNOW SO THAT I CAN HELP YOU, REMEMBER YOUR BURDEN IS MY BURDEN.

Then let her say her mind in anyway that she could, let her vent, rant scream, just sit there and listen to her, after she has said everything, apologise onbehalf of your family and let there be peace!!!!!

@drnoel
You have so much details as a 3rd party. I wonder,

@topic
What's the situation on ground now with the in-laws?

drnoel:

From what I understood he is worried that he must have subdued her when she attacked him with blows that day. He says he really can't remember he only remembers she was on him in a flash and he tried 2 defend his face from her fingers. When it go unbearable, he took hold of her two hands with the intention to make her stop hitting him (by this time he was very mad). He tend forced then behind her back, while doing this she slipped backwards with him holding her and they both fell on the bed behind her. She was still struggling under him when he started kissing, and then u know the rest,

So he subconsciouly ''raped'' her?? let him start the conversation and let them resolve the issue.

i dont understand how can he of right mind NOT know if he violated his wife If she is not talking i would assume its ok, but hey i wasnt there.

@Poster
It's hard to decipher what the problem here is because I find your post sweet. I mean it's lovely that two persons fighting ended up making love. If he kissed the wife and the wife reciprocated and the two made love to themselves, then nobody can be accused of violating the other. Violation is when he forces himself on the wife and becomes intimate with her against her volition.

zayhal:

@drnoel
You have so much details as a 3rd party. I wonder,
@topic
What's the situation on ground now with the in-laws?

Does he?

I dont understand the story or the title

This is a situation am familiar with. Wifey throws everything at you,you try to stop and subdue her,probably lying down on a bed or sofa,out of nt wanting to beat the daylight out of her,u start to kiss her. At this point i wl say for him nt to remember the details was because there wasnt much resistance. I strongly believe the raging wifey would not allow him at that point if she didnt want it. Its ok for him to just move on and be good as the guilt might lead him to "depression in bed".

@Royal Roy,If i got you right,your wife enjoys seex just after a semi physical assault

@OP,what is the man's problem NOW?According to your story,the fight and seex was before their wedding,they are now happily married so why is this still an issue?or have they had repeats of such scenes?

So after living together for this number of years,in-law issues still cropped up to d extent of it going physical.So what av they bn doing all d living together years,just f u ck ing& not bonding?

So what exactly is his problem?

Is he expecting not to have disagreements in his marrigae?

These things happen, he should put it behind him and enjoy his marriage . . . IMO!

zayhal:

@drnoel
You have so much details as a 3rd party. I wonder,

@topic
What's the situation on ground now with the in-laws?

About the having so much details. I remember, I did say my cousin confided in me and didn't reject the idea of my posting it since he nor the wifey are members in NL. He is only a year older than I am and also married a few months b4 I did.
About the situation with the in-laws. There is no problem there. She has a very good relationship with them, though misunderstandings do arise sometimes, but that is normal.

agiboma:

i dont understand how can he of right mind NOT know if he violated his wife If she is not talking i would assume its ok, but hey i wasnt there.

I don't know too, thats what he told me.

Royal Roy:

This is a situation am familiar with. Wifey throws everything at you,you try to stop and subdue her,probably lying down on a bed or sofa,out of nt wanting to beat the daylight out of her,u start to kiss her. At this point i wl say for him nt to remember the details was because there wasnt much resistance. I strongly believe the raging wifey would not allow him at that point if she didnt want it. Its ok for him to just move on and be good as the guilt might lead him to "depression in bed".

@Royal Roy, u got the long and short of the story. I also told my cousin to relax and 4get the issue. He should just mend fences with Wifey and not go probing the past, if Wifey is not bordered about it. He should just enjoy his marriage and keep making luv with is wife. I told hi I didn't see any major problem as long as it does not affect their relationship.

ifyalways:

@Royal Roy,If i got you right,your wife enjoys seex just after a semi physical assault

@OP,what is the man's problem NOW?According to your story,the fight and seex was before their wedding,they are now happily married so why is this still an issue?or have they had repeats of such scenes?

No there was no re-occurrence of that previous incidence. He just tried 2 speak with his wife about it but she blocked it out, refused 2 talk and then got very depressed.

doctokwus:

So after living together for this number of years,in-law issues still cropped up to d extent of it going physical.So what av they bn doing all d living together years,just f u ck ing& not bonding?

They just being living 2gether 4 a few months.

Ujujoan:

So what exactly is his problem?

Is he expecting not to have disagreements in his marrigae?

These things happen, he should put it behind him and enjoy his marriage . . . IMO!

Thats what I told him ooo

S-e-x heals, she must have healed by now.

Dr. Noel, abeg, mind your business. There really isn't a story here. She'll come around. Until then, he needs to sit still and keep being nice and considerate. Women can't hear "I love you", "You are my joy and happiness" enough times

I believe you when you said the story is about your cousin, cos of the lopsided way you told the story He must have lamented this same story to you over a million times hence reason you lost the plot and are at wit's end

Your cousin, the Hubby is a wuss. He thinks its the make-up sex that is the issue but in reality it was the nasty thing she said about his Mum and family and his equally nasty response AND THE WAY THEY SWEPT IT UNDER THE CARPET that is plaguing him. Words are like eggs, once they drop that is it.

He KNOWS he is sitting on a keg of simmering searing gunpowder which will potentially ignite someday hence reason he feels the urge to talk things out with wifey. . .

The good thing here is that they both love each other dearly so need to find time to thrash this out apologetically. It can't be comfortable living with someone who harbours hatred for his Mother, the woman who brought you into this world, especially hatred he was not aware of until "that fight".

I think people are missing the point. The issue here is that the man very possibly r4ped her. He feels guilty and it is apparent from his behavior that even she believes that he r4ped her. This is my take. You cannot be confused about forcing someone to be intimate with you. Night and day. The fact that she was traumatized by it also shows that. I honestly don't know what to say. If you guys are not in Nigeria I would say put a hold on the wedding and talk to a proffessional. This is very serious

Outstrip:

I think people are missing the point. The issue here is that the man very possibly r4ped her. He feels guilty and it is apparent from his behavior that even she believes that he r4ped her. This is my take. You cannot be confused about forcing someone to be intimate with you. Night and day. The fact that she was traumatized by it also shows that. I honestly don't know what to say. If you guys are not in Nigeria I would say put a hold on the wedding and talk to a proffessional. This is very serious

Madam Outstrip, I think you're being a little daft here. Where in the thread have you gathered evidence that the wife didn't consent to the sex? They have Were Intimate multiple times after that incidence and still live under the same roof. How would you explain that? Please stop giving feminists a bad name.

moremi2008:

Madam Outstrip, I think you're being a little daft here. Where in the thread have you gathered evidence that the wife didn't consent to the sex? They have Were Intimate multiple times after that incidence and still live under the same roof. How would you explain that? Please stop giving feminists a bad name.

SO what? Did you miss the part where he says he is not sure if he forced her? Really? And you are asking me if I am daft. Rubbish. I don't think there is amy man on earth who will not be clear as to if he r4ped a woman on not especially his wife. He did something and he feels guilty about it. Rather than minimize it why don't you encourage him to find help for his issues. If you have doubts about what r4pe is and what it is not then you (moremi2008) have a serious problem. Any person especially a man who knows that someone is worried about his conduct in reference to non consensual sex and blows is off is just as guilty if not even worse than the person seeking help for his wrong

drnoel:

Guys, just finished speaking with my cousin about some issues. He seems 2 need help cos its tearing him apart but his wifey refuses to discuss it. He is not in NL and though I asked his permission 2 post it and he didn't refuse. He is crushed and needs some kind of advice.

He had a major fight with Wifey a few days 2 their wedding. The issues causing the fight were major ones, about family and in-laws. She wasn't sure his family accepted her but they had tackled this issue over and over and he has asked her 2 trust him. They've dated since University and they are both working. They've been 2gether 4 six years. They wanted 2 get 2 know themselves, build individual independence 4rm each other b4 they tired the knot, which they were about 2 do then this issue came up.

The major fight: The major fight they had was so bad that she said some nasty things about his mom and his family. U can't blame the girl, she has been almost on her head organizing their wedding. He was so hurt that he told her something nasty, then they started shouting, and then screaming at each other. She was really mad she attacked him and they came 2 blows off which she was doing the blowing and he was trying to hold her off. They ended up making luv.

What is killing him? Now he is convinced he must have forced her 2 make luv wit him that day, even though it solve the problem then. He says he really can't remember how it happened but things happened so fast. Beside since then they have not had any re-occurrence of the issue. The only time he tried to discuss it with her, she was really so depressed that after he helped her out of her depression he was really scared to bring it up again. They've been making luv since then without problems but he hopes she'd talk 2 him about it so he can relax his mind. Its killing him cos he luvs her and he didn't mean 2 hurt her if he did, but then how can he know if she doesn't talk 2 him about it. Their marriage is fine, she is crazy about him and he is also really in2 her. How can he make her talk 2 him?

Drnoel
Ask hubby when wifey's withdrawn mood started or when he noticed it.

I dey suspect you oh OP, on another thread you dey talk about parent in law and your Mum catching you and wifey in a hilarious compromisingly funny sexu.al way yet you can't share with wifey. Note - you didn't say cos wifey is shy but cos she might get angry

big_bumper:

Drnoel
Ask hubby when wifey's withdrawn mood started or when he noticed it.

I dey suspect you oh OP, on another thread you dey talk about parent in law and your Mum catching you and wifey in a hilarious compromisingly funny sexu.al way yet you can't share with wifey. Note - you didn't say cos wifey is shy but cos she might get angry

You must have been busy chasing boys with your big bumper when Reading Comprehension was taught in class! It's his cousin, not him!

big_bumper:

Drnoel
Ask hubby when wifey's withdrawn mood started or when he noticed it.

I dey suspect you oh OP, on another thread you dey talk about parent in law and your Mum catching you and wifey in a hilarious compromisingly funny sexu.al way yet you can't share with wifey. Note - you didn't say cos wifey is shy but cos she might get angry

Nna eh! all these people that read threads upside down. I mentioned over and over again that am close to my cousin and he confided in me. Ur suspicion has no ground here my friend. I asked my cousin when her withdrawal started and he said it started after he brought the issue up almost a year after it happened. He said they have been making out all that time without any problem. They have not been talking for days cos she closed up on him alittle, though he mentioned wifey loosed up on Sunday and told him she is ready to talk about it. They haven't spoken about it in details but they made out that Sunday.

@ Op
tell him to write a letter
could be addressed to her
could be addressed to himself

In it, he needs to reflect in what light he sees issues
he needs to let out his pain and hurt and worry and love
just let him write it down since it is eating him up

tell him to hide it,especially in places she is likely to find it
and then see
good luck