There are two schools of thought here. The first is that the lady who can suffer with a man when he has nothing is the one who has proven that she’ll be a good wife to the man, my emphasis being “to suffer.” The second is that the man should first prove that he is a man then he deserves to have a woman by his side. I don’t belong to the former. I belong to the latter and here are my reasons:

Those who belong to the first school of thought claim that a young man, and young can be 24 or 42, who is just starting his life but has a vision of where he is going deserves to have a woman to fight it through with him before the money comes. That then she’d have earned the respect of the man. Let me state here that I wholeheartedly agree that every man should have a vision of where he is going to in life and should be able to articulate it at anytime he is called upon to do so without thinking. But my question is, “Is vision enough?”

When the people of His time accosted Jesus with a question on marriage he replied them with the phrase, “… from the beginning it was not so.” (Matt 19:. Let’s go back to the beginning and see what it was like to get married.
Adam and Eve: Unlike today where we have the privilege of knowing the lady we want to marry years or even decades before we actually get married, Adam was not that privileged. For him he got married the very first moment he set eyes on the woman. There was no opportunity to date and get to know her first and find out whether she can cook or whether she’s good in the bedroom. None of that occurred. They were married the very first moment they set eyes on each other.

Jacob and Rachel: Okay Jacob had the opportunity to fall in love. Nevertheless, he had to prove he deserved her. “Finish her week” was the term his father in-law used to tell Jacob to work for her. That week turned out to be a period of seven years of hard work.

Today, the world has changed. Boy meets girl, boy knows girl, they fall in love, and, then, if their love is strong enough they marry. That is more or less the sequence. Somewhere in the process the question arises, “How do you know she’s the right one?” This brings us back to the two schools of thought.

The scriptures places the virtuous woman above rubies, some versions uses the word gems, jewels, pearls, or trophies. The question is “what do you do to earn a pearl or win a trophy?” You work, you fight, you battle. The trophy does not fight with you. You fight to win the trophy. You prove yourself worthy of the trophy. No man is given a prize before the race. Why then should I need a woman to “suffer” with me to prove she deserves to be my wife when the reverse should actually be the case? I, the man should fight to prove that I deserve to be her husband.

Here is a man, whether 24 or 42, who has no job for whatever reason. He probably has a vision but has not started actualizing his visions and dreams. He is not financially predictable. Cannot say that at the end of the month twenty thousand naira or two hundred thousand naira will be in his account either from his job or from his business, but he wants a lady, probably a very beautiful one, to be by his side just so he can be sure she’s the one for him. And luckily, he finds a lady who is really there to fight it through with him. And before you know it she’s not only feeding him, she’s paying his rent all in the name of love and struggle. The heavens forbid that I let a lady who I am not yet married to, pay my rent. I will rather break stones to make a living than de-womanize a lady to that extent.

An understanding of “woman nature” will reveal, like the Nigerian comedian, Gordons says, that they were made from finished product. When the woman came into the scene, the picture was already beautiful. So don’t be angry that they love beautiful things. They are not pecuniary. They are just designed to love beautiful things. At least have something you are doing before you bring her into the picture. Why should I deserve to have a lady when I cannot even take care of myself? Doesn’t that run contrary to common sense? Okay, I share with her my vision for life. What next? She takes the vision to the salon and tells the beautician she’ll pay her bill with the vision I shared with her? Or she’ll buy her nail polish with the vision?

Now, I know there are a few ladies out there who are dating guys without jobs. Fending for the guy, cooking for him and even paying his rent because they believe in his vision and that one day there will be a change. I know there are, I have seen some and I’ve been with one. These very few percentage now makes the larger percent of ladies who’d rather a guy was working, and had his acts together before he approaches them to look like they are gold diggers. So the lady who will, therefore, not go out with a jobless guy who has a vision is then perceived as one who cannot make a good wife. But is that really true?

Let’s take a look at what I call The Absolute 100 Theory. If all the ladies were a 100% on either side of the divide, on which side will it fare better for men? Assuming all the ladies decided that they would “suffer” with men, cook for them and pay their rents if needs be until fate deals them a good hand. Or all the ladies say “No.” Men should fight for themselves, become responsible, have a vision, have a job or start a business, and then you can come for me. On which of the divide do you think men will be more responsible? I think the latter. When men see women as valuable prizes that you have to earn, that you must first meet certain criteria before you can have them, then, more and more men will get to work.

I am an empiricist. I believe that everything that can be tested must be tested. And that includes women. Scriptures say “… try the spirits” (I John 4:1). One doesn’t need to travel far to know that there are fake pearls. But I don’t believe making a lady suffer with you is the litmus test for a good wife. There is a difference between a helper and a sufferer. God made them helpers. You help someone who has already made an effort or is making an effort. Just because your girlfriend earns salary does not mean you should not give her money to make her hair, or fix her nails, or buy clothes. She has a lot more needs than these. But you show that you value and appreciate her when as often as possible you buy her stuff, pay her fares, give her money to make her hair, take her out for diner, etc, even when you know she can afford to without your help. That is how a lady spells R.E.S.P.O.N.S.I.B.L.E. Then, in your hour of need she will be there for you. Don’t saddle her with the responsibility of cooking for you, making your bed, and probably paying your rent all in the name of suffering with you. And most guys will let any lady suffer with them, but, if they had everything going for them, they wouldn’t date those ladies. Why waste her time then?

In conclusion, it does not matter whether I am 24 or 42, if I cannot take care of myself the heavens forbid that I saddle that responsibility on another lady. My conscience will not permit me. And to every beautiful lady who has found herself in such a state only to be burnt at the end of the season I apologize on behalf of all the irresponsible men who had a flawed definition of what it means to be a man. Please forgive us.