I dont blame her mother for whisking her away. My mother would do the same until my husband grows a spine.
Its funny how things have been blown out of proportion. I confess i laughed when i read the 360 degrees thing. It was funny! It see how this could easily have been my marriage in trouble. Except that my husband would forgive me if i begged and pleaded and said sorry. A real man does not sit by and nurse malice while wifey suffers in anguish. To what gain abeg? After all said and done the poisonous inlaws will take their leave to go spread their bile elsewhere. leaving you with what? a broken unhappy home.

hope you did not see me as a supporter of the husband. i am only saying you guys dont forget there are 2 sides to every stories.

is that too much to point out kind sir?

Kind sir, not at all. I am just saying shapey pretty much gave both sides to the story. She didnt tell us a lopsided "my husband is the devil here" story. She clearly established she was at fault and her husband was right to react in the way he did, initially.

But what happened to the virtues of love and forgiveness? At least Shapey appologised immediately she realised the gravity of her mistake. What role did big bros hubby play in making sure the mini-crisis did not get blown out of proportion?

thanks for being a good brother helping out out a sister in need. like i said before it is my people at their best. you know i am not going to fight over this with you dear brother. see your question and think what you are insinuating.

What role did big bros hubby play in making sure the mini-crisis did not get blown out of proportion?

the wife is not blamong the hubby but you can. you guys are doing the same thing you blame the husband family for. taking sides with your own.

if you check my previous post you will see i have nothing against these 2 people. the husband is probably as young as the wife.

i have had the misfortune of a mother passing to eternity and trust me it kills you a thousand times. especially when you are away. you run on auto pilot for weeks. all the apology she was doing was to a lifeless soul. this guy is in pains for goodness sake.

please please i make an appeal on behalf of these 2 people let everyone pray for them rather than blame the husband. the guy cannot be made to fight the people that brought him up. there is more to this dear brother.

we know our people can be silly at times but i sincerely believe there is more to this than this laughing business.

hi people.its like a breath of fresh air to be out here.i see that my cousin has let you in a bit on the goings on before and during the burial.right now i'm totally broken.my elder sister is a pillar,but for her,i'd havve been dead and gone at this time.
amsky gave a picture of what transpired there.it was hell for me,i tell you.the eldest man in the family summoned me after my sis in law had heaped all sorts of lies against me. eg-i refused to get pregnant because i wanted my husband to be the last person in their lineage,that i said i was coming for the burial to know if my mom inlaw had really died as it was too good to be true,that i said i was going to fight my husband's elder sister and alot of other things.she also said i was cheating on my husband.my hubby's elder sister came to me on friday night-wake keeping -and said'madam i've been waiting for you to come and slap me o'.i was at a loss.the little one who used to live with me now said-see her singing choruses like an angel nobody will ever know she is a little LovePeddler.in shock i asked her-what have i ever done to you ?i looked around for my husband but i did n't see him.my sister froma distance saw the confrontation and rushed down.i told her what went on.when my mother heard,she went mad,saying that she was going to handle it her way.the singing was still going on,i went back to the bedroom because i was so scared for my dear life-i do not understand efik mind you,and everyone looked at me like i was the devil himself.a short while l8r,i heard a lady saying in english'where is she?please bring her out here let me thrash her thoroughly like a criminal'.my hubby now walks in and says'ehm please come and greet my mom's sister'.mind you this mom's sister was the 1 saying she wanted to flog me.the next thing i know my mom and sister come in with my mom shouting at everyone in english-have i commited an abomination giving my child to you in marriage?she turned to my hubby and told him how ashamed she was of him,and he was not able to stand for his wife, my sister was already throwing my things into the box.i cried and cried like a baby.
they all forgot the burial and i was now the talk of the town.his elder sister was saying i had to explain why i said i would knock her teeth out.at that point,i heard my husband saying he'll not attend the burial and he was going to cut all ties with them bla bla bla.my mom told him he should not even bother because when he'd have handled it,he was busy calling me to come out and greet them.
we went to a hotel,and sleep eluded me.the lexotan my mom gave to me did not work,because i was wide awake crying my eyes out till it was time for the service.
on the day of the burial,i went for the service from the hotel with my sis and mom.my husband made frantic efforts to reach me,but did not succeed.he saw me during the lying instate and held my hand.i saw tears in his eyes,but me i was so hurt,i just pulled my hand away and stood in the corner.his elder sister came and said to me'oh!queen of england are you here to laugh at us?i thought you went back to london yesterday'.i had to pull my mom out to avoid another show down.i sat with my husband in front at the service,and i could tell he was not concentrating.he kept stealing glances at me,and trying to talk to me.
when it was time to carry the body out of the church,i went with him,and he did the dust to dust thing.when his sister was asked to perform hers,she said 'o my darling mom all those who rejoiced at your misfortune will surely meet theirs soon'.it does not take rocket science to know she was refering to me.alot of comments like-if only this woman who she welcomed into her home(me)had let her see her grandchildren. etc etc.
after the grave was covered my mother said 'oya let's get going.'i told my husband i was leaving.and he started begging me to stay.before i could say anything my mom said'' she's not staying here.you heard your sister.i don't want my daughter to meet with her misfortune very soon.i cannot guaratee that you can take care and protect her,so she's getting on a flight to lagos with me.i looked into my husband's eyes and i almost cried.infact i did.i told her i wanted a few minutes with him.he asked me if i had to go.honestly,i did not feel safe even with him there,and i told him that much.he asked me to stay that' we'd go to a hotel that evening.i told him i had to get away. he said he really needed me and that i should stay.i replied that i'd want to be with him,but i did not feel safe with everyone thinking i was a witch.i had to go.i did not want to leave him but i had to.i felt betrayed by him,and truthfully,i did not want him by my side just then.
that was how i left to lagos,and i'm waiting for a call from virgin atlantic that will decide if i'm leaving for london tomorrow or not.i've been talking with my husband but i don't know if i want to be with him just yet.i feel let down and betrayed.don't get me wrong please my friends.i love him so much-i still do nothing will change that-but for now,i'll want to be on my own for a while to sort things out for myself.i've gone through alot these past weeks and i need to gradually heal.i told him i'll like some space to ymself.it kills me to think even for a minute that this may be it for our marriage,but i'd like to face reality-that will help me alot.i'm 27,been married for 1yr and 4mths and now this.
my cousin has not minced words in telling me that once my husband knocks on her door,she'll fling it open to him.i'll be in her place till i get on my feet again.i'm shattered and my psyche is in a mess,so i need time to myself.
as for my sister in law,my good deeds towards her will stand against her.i don't want to attribute this to the fact that my hubby is not from the same tribe as me.my cousin is married to an ibibio man and they are having the time of their lives.my husband is a good guy too but he has betrayed me to the last bit.

i have to seriously do some soul searching now.when people say a woman is battered i now know first hand that it not only involves physical battry.after all i went through begging to be forgiven before we left for the burial,now this.i wonder when life will stop throwing these  things at me.
goodnite everyone.i am so grateful.

joshjosh thanks so much.there is more to it indeed.my husband's family did not approve of his getting married to me cos i was not from his place.being an only son out of 3 children,his parents fought tooth and nail to ensure that he changed his mind.he did not listen to them and went ahead i broke up with him because of it.i did not want a situation where i'll be the cause of 'katakata' in his family.when he put his foot down,the battle line was drawn.his younger sis was so sweet at first but with the recent happenings,i now know it was all a huge lie.she just wanted to avoid paying bills,rent and tax.
their first excuse was-pls finish you internship b4 you get married.they siad that hoping he'll ditch me by the end of it but he did not and the hatred got deeper.so this is were it has landed me today.

Your husband is spineless but you obviously love him, so dont let it be too long before you speak to him. Dont let these lame people get in the way of your marriage and ruin it for you. Deal with the whole matter when you two get back to the U.K.

To be honest, I think it's odd for you to travel back before he does but I guess it's for your own safety.

Just make sure you call and speak to him and when he gets back to England you two should have a LONG and THROUGH discussion.

@ SHAPEY

These events is the hallmark of a great marriage in the making inspite of all that has gone by.

What your husband witness at the burial is the type of family he has especially his two sisters who seems to wanting him to marry one of them maybe a friend of the family or a distant cousin who is EFIK.

I notice that you say that your hubby is a medics. and  that is even a more reason to want the 'other intended woman' and your sister in law even the whole of the 'clan' to want to wreck the marriage so that your hubby can marry an Efik woman not for the wellbeing or love for your hubby but for them to be able to control your hubby via their 'planted Efik woman'.

This happens in all cross-tribal marriage. But I think inter tribal and race marriages are usually the best especially if both of you are stong christians.

But trust me, you about to be experiencing the best in your marriage once dust has settled over this stuff. bUt you must promised to love your husband unconditionally and don't feel betrayed by him. This is time to start  serious prayer and fasting. As for your cousin who is having a great marriage, I thank God on their behalf but for every would be successful marriage it have a turbulent period.

Just imagine when you take flight, most times you will always got into tubulent weather but you don't tell the pilot to stop you here because of turbulence, you have no choice you have to reach your destination. GOD is YOUR PILOT AND YOU WILL REACH YOUR DESTINATION BY JESUS CHRIST NAME.

YOU ARE SIMPLY PASSING THROUGH TURBULENCE, YOU ARE ABOUT TO COME OUT OF IT WITH THE BIGGEST SMILE AND PURE HAPPINESS.
Look, your husband loves you dearly, he has married you even against all your in-law wishes. Don't let him down and in particular yourselve because both of you will simply be going round in circle to find a soulmate and God forbid you may not find.

Start prayer and fasting with your husband, 7, 14, 21 days and see what will happen to all homewrecker.

In the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ your joy is here in full with your husband. I think in restospect you have made a mistake by not staying to the end at least come from your hideout hotel to be with him on daily basis at the burial/funeral. In any event he will understand.

Read my other post. you must make sure when your husband comes back you are together only at your matrimonial home praying and fasting together and you will see that God that answereth by fire will answer you speedily. God bless u and have a wonderful married life.

Shapey, even strong man like me . . . i read tori o sotey i wan cry.
Is this what women go through in the hands of their in-laws?

Joshjosh . . . i perfectly understand your point and i must say sorry about your mum i'm sure u're much stronger now.
Trust me when i repeat that Shapey's husband is just spineless . . . appologies for using that word again. My mom, igbo, married into an ijebu family and she passed through a little bit of what Shapey is going through. My dad put his feet down . . . you didnt like his wife . . . he simply cut ties with you, end of story.

My grandpa died when i was about 1yr old . . . after that my dad rarely went back to see his people . . . (i think i only went to that village 2ce in my entire life) and he made sure we NEVER spent more than a few hrs there. He didnt want anyone to kill his wife in her sleep.

My brother, all these would not have blown up if bros had NOT disrespected his wife in the presence of his younger sister. It was the fuel the tart needed to start attempting to divide their marriage by planting lies in the fellow's mind . . . the fellow who of course did not even deem it fit to ask his wife if the allegations were true.

Shapey's marriage aint over, its a passing phase they will get over. Its one more lesson i learn here . . . like my uncle would always say . . . the minute you get married your allegiance switches to your wife and kids . . . everyone else na bye bye from the window.

davidylan:

Shapey, even strong man like me . . . i read tori o sotey i wan cry.

awwwwww, eya, david, don't cry na

@shapey
ha! i read your most recent post and dearie i feel your pain. Marriage is a strange thing. You think you know that person so well. It only takes one incident like this and all we thought we knew flies out of the window.  You are right to want some space. everyone is touchy and sensitive right now. Besides you do have to worry for your safety.  
Let your husband have time to think and decide if his brood of vipers relatives are more important than his wife and the marriage he has with you.

I cant blame you for feeling betrayed. Every woman likes to think that when the chips are down her husband will even lay down his life to protect her. When your husband fights for you it brings him new respect in your eyes. I remember there have been situations where my husband has had to fight for me .I've seen him pissed beyond belief. He has told them off several times. Yes. Told them to mind their   business and leave his wife the   alone. He was mad as hell and told me that he  hated meddlesome relatives and any time and any day he would choose his wife over his family in a heartbeat. He has told me that several times. I know he means it. I would never want that occasion to arise where one is forced to pick. But i know my husband's security is my comfort. This must be a shocker for you to deal with.  

Having said that I thank God you have a mother. A real mother who will waste no time in plucking out her daughter from a marriage which is going so wrong so fast. (for that you should at least be thankful) because many parents would rather their daughters stayed in a bad marriage than bring 'shame' to the family by returning and that is the truth.

I believe in prayer. Have you tried it? Your husband still loves you but this is a test that may make or break this marriage. Dont cry yourself to death. Luckily when you both get back to london it will be just both of you. i'm assuming his gagool will be gone. you can iron things out.

Interesting!

I don't mean to be a pessimist, but inasmuch as I want this marriage to work out, I really think the damage on both side has gone too far. I lay most of the blame on shapey's mom, her reaction was knee-jerk. The reaction of shapey's husband to all this will determine the outcome of the marriage. If he's convinced that shapey and her family have written him off as weak, incompetent, and spineless, his desire to fight for her is sure to wane. Especially, now that he's still mourning the death of his mom. I wish them all the very best.

these nairalanders una no go ever fall my hand .did i hear shapey say i'm having a time of my life in my home well i claim it.i had a problem that i felt was bigger than me,i opened up on this same forum cos i'm not one to go to all who knows me about my wahala.
anyway,i am so grateful to my MAKER that my marriage is exemplary.there is no marriage that is perfect.i've been married for almost 5yrs and i know how sweet and bitter it can get.my marriage is an inter-tribal one also.

shapey's hubby is not spineless.i know how he stood and fought to marry her when his people said they'd never see him marry from another tribe. we all went back to nigeria for the wine carrying.his people only came cos they did not want to be disgraced.the guy organised his friends and his uncle and prepared to attend even amidst several threats from his socalled family members.this guy went ahead and damned all consequences.
i told shapey to remember this single episode in their lives and be strong.i know it seems so difficult but it is possible.shapey's hubby loves her so much-i know that much.he will be willing to work things out.i don't believe it's over.you dont just throw all these years away.i spoke to her hubby and the guy is dead inside.he thinks it's all a nightmare.he kept on asking if shapey will come back to him,if she'd ever forgive her, he'll need to work hard on it,but he'll get there.
marriage is not easy especially when the man is from a different tribe-i've tasted a bit of it too.it was a bitter pill to swallow believe me.in my own little way,i'll try to help out.i will.

@davidylan

you sure say you strong?
women go through worse things than these.i've seen a case where a man called his family meeting for his wife.his own wife o. shapey own na beans compared to that.

hmmmmmm amsky and shapey. things wont be this way always.

thank you guys for a beautiful story. i wish this was just a story. about 2 years ago i was listening to TBN and heard a young black girl kept saying "don't waste that pain". my first thought was shut up what do you know about pains but when i heard her say she has buried 3 kids at less than 33yrs old i thought this must be a graduate of the school of pains.

as i said earlier a junior sister is going through this mother out-laws wahala at the moment. i don't know the devil that commission Nigeria women to torture the younger women. i have told her God does not show up when we try to fight for ourselves. the battle is of the Lord. thank God she heard my word and didn't say a word. as i speak that same mother is being sent out of her matrimonial home by some surprise wicked women alleging she is the only one benefiting from her kids their brother is not traveling abroad.

there is this word in exodus called the finger of God. God only use it when we allow Him. He cannot fight for us when we fight for ourselves. we defending ourselves put God in spectator mode. sound preaching but true from my experience.

@ shapey. dear sister you are in my prayers and i bet many people here. God will heal you of the pains and vindicate you and one day you will have this as a testimony. release it to Him and He will heal you. your husband loves you and i can tell you he is more broken than you know now just be prepared to be healed and get on with your lives together. this is a storm but guess what? it shall pass too. it shall not be this way always my dear. God wont give you a burden than you are able to bear. roll it back to His cross

the Lord God be with you and bless you

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOkwUKn_gfc&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOkwUKn_gfc&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

just thought to use this song to encourage you all this day that thingswill turn out right.  God is about to another 360 degree change. don't loose hope people.

2 Corinthians 4:8 (New Living Translation) We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.

God bless

@Shapey

Hi sweet one, Your situation really touched me and it almost brought me to tears. I think i can relate to what you are going through and i know how your husband feel. One thing for sure is that the man really loves you but we men don't usually get things right in a situation like this. But i know that if he doesn't take a stand and stand firm by you, he will forever regret it because it seems that you are a very good wife. Take things easy and get on your knees and call on the Almighty. Our people can be very cruel at times. All these for an innocent laugh at a funny comment?? You did not kill your mother in-law and neither did you had a hand in her death. Clear your mind and call on the almighty, After a dark night comes a brighter day. Your sister in-law will get hers, it's called KARMA. Let your husband realize how good a wife he's got, it will be a lifetime scar in his heart if he allows lies and hatred to ruin a good home. share your thoughts with your sister and mother and please try and get some sleep O.K? We all love you and praying for you. Take care.

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6olU1D70eys&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6olU1D70eys&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

couldn't say it better than the lovely yolanda adams this too shall pass

RichyBlacK:

I don't mean to be a pessimist, but inasmuch as I want this marriage to work out, I really think the damage on both side has gone too far. I lay most of the blame on shapey's mom, her reaction was knee-jerk.

Um I agree that the mother is going overboard by trying to keep shapey from her husband at the moment but in a way do you really blame her? She said his people came to the house with a CANE for Shapey. Does that seem like a normal family to you? Who wouldnt expect the mother to protect her child from barbarians?

Anyway I personally think she should stay in Nigeria away from his family until he is ready to leave THEN they can both go back to England together but if she wants to get there before him for her safety, I guess that's ok too.

I wonder how something so trival could degenerate into such suffering.

This doesn't look so much like love to me.

thanks joshjosh for the youtube link.i've seen it and that pretty much says it all.
@michelin89

yes it may not sem like love,but i know the two people involved are so much in love.my dear,there are hard times in this thing called marriage.it only takes ones maturity to keep it going.this guy is torn b/w his loyalty to his wife and his family.it is not a walk in the park.he was trying to be diplomatic,settle things nicely and still keep his marriage and his family ties;but things went awfully wrong along the line.in the earlier part of the day they got the phone call that began the kwata,i saw them and they were okay.
shapey is on her way back thru france.her hubby is hot on her heels coming 2mrw night.it will all settle.it will be well.

All is well that ends well.

May they live happily ever after,

Amen.

Is this the kind of terrible things people pass thru in marriage?

Ol Boy, e be like say make I kukuma siddown jeje go better o, anyway, thank God say i b guy o. Make God give person babe wey go fit beg and beg sortey like @Poster.

Seriously, with the info, these two guys love themselves; only that the hubby needs some more growing, run HIS home FOR himself. - I op he sees this! His family-not that extended bug- is his pride. He better realise this and start enjoyin it while it lasts. Or does he think privilege of life is eternal?

Tell him.

@Poster, don't give up.

With all our love from Nairaland.

D-reloaded:

Um I agree that the mother is going overboard by trying to keep shapey from her husband at the moment but in a way do you really blame her?

no, cant blame her. she's not going overboard. dude has to get his priorities straight.

Shapey,

It shall be well. I will keep you in my prayers. Ndo!

The mom did the right thing, It seems that if not for her outcry that the felt she had made a mistake, the man was still going to bring out the girl to be flogged by the aunt!

The man's judgment failed him at a crucial moment. he opened the door for all the nonsense by mistreating his wife in front of the younger sister. A man and woman should always project a united front and settle their issues privately.

This is another reason my dad never wanted family members living with us, the evil younger sister was an agent of the devil in all this. Opening your mouth to call your own brother's wife a LovePeddler!

Avoid relatives living with you in your matrimonial home as much as possible, especially in the early stages of marriage when you are still building the strong bonds.

I wish you all the best Shapey, as others have said I believe your marriage can come through this stronger, only if you use this opportunity to clear up any misconceptions and wrong attitudes once and for all.

debosky:

the evil younger sister was an agent of the devil in all this. Opening your mouth to call your own brother's wife a LovePeddler!

Oh no she didnt!
Didnt even see that part! . Gaddam! How does a guy sit back and not shield his wife when she's under attack abeg?

I don't understand either oh!

Love or no love, that was simply a stupid thing to do, even if you fight like mad behind closed doors, NEVER disrespect someone you love in front of others, you simply give them license to do the same. That stupid sister needs to be bitch-slapped and I hope she gets deported from the Uk.

she's lucky she's not my sister inlaw!
i would have pulverized her in one micro second. She'll know that butter is not the food of a monkey!

D-reloaded:

Um I agree that the mother is going overboard by trying to keep shapey from her husband at the moment but in a way do you really blame her? She said his people came to the house with a CANE for Shapey. Does that seem like a normal family to you? Who wouldnt expect the mother to protect her child from barbarians?

I read that, but that's clearly exaggerated! Mind you, this story is from ONE SIDE. Any canes the in-laws had with them, were more likely walking canes. Let's separate rhetorics, hyperboles, and unguarded verbal expressions from actual intent. There was no way, in the presence of the husband, that the dead woman's younger sister, would have raised her hand to flog shapey with a cane. All that talk of flogging was simply what it was, talk! If flogging shapey was the actual intent, they would have flogged her before she knew what hit her; no announcements necessary. The husband knew this and that was why he wasn't that bothered about the talk. I mean, even when shapey was in the house in the village, before shapey's mom and sister came, one of the in-laws was singing about "breaking legs". Were any legs broken? Nobody laid a hand on shapey, all that happened was that a few relatives verbally expressed their grief at the loss of shapey's mother-in-law, emotions were high but controlled, and things were said. Shapey was in no real danger. The reaction of shapey's mom (which went beyond the level of rhetoric) probably did more damage to an event meant to honor the memory of the mother of shapey's husband.

please where is shapey to come and fill us in?

emmm, richyblack, where you there?