The scenario;
My spouse of over 7yrs have been footing domestic bills on my behalf for 2 n half yrs (cos biz has been turf). I get a biz deal dat fetches barely enuf 2 take care of d kids sch fees n d rent which fell due (wt harrassment) n settle a few oustandings. Told her abt d deal n how d income will be expended. She requests 4 housekeeping money n I told her I`m on d verge of loosing out on my Masters programme in d UK due to non payment of outstanding tuition fees n such may not be able 2 accomodate dat 4 now as I intend to send some money to d sch to show commitment.
Meanwhile, she does business by d side wt some money in d coy`s a/c. I suggested she expends it on some items including d housekeeping. She shuts down my suggestion rudely (as it has become d norm) n queries why I shld "dictate" how her money in dat coy`s a/c shld b expended since she does not interfere wt how I expend wat comes in from my end on d other coy`s a/c.
Days later on our way back from church, I ask simple question n was rudely answered. I asked why dis change in behaviour wen we got home, she made me realize how angry she was @ me abt my previous suggestions. She accused me of neglecting her needs n being unreasonable. It almost resulted in a scuffle and she threatened dat one of us may see the creator dat nite. I responded dat her behaviour was just very unfortunate and asked if becos I`m not a violent n abusive spouse hence the misbehaviour? She then said if I was violent under the present circumstances, she wld have stabbed me to death and claimed self defence.

Questtions 1: If u are a married woman under this scenario, how wld u av responded or handeled the issue?
Questtions 2: Wat wld make a spouse nurse so much anger, bitternes and hate as to wanting 2 commit murder?
Questtions 3: Where did I faulter under d scenario and wat lesson(s) are to be learnt?

Response from the women in the house will be most appreciated.

I Think the burden of carrying the family responsibly for 2yrs plus is weighing on her and when u got money she saw a light at the end of the tunnel. then your suggestion on how u intended to spend the money took away d light.wat u should have done was atleast bought her a lil gift or taken her to dinner n let her understand that you truly appreciated her contribution to the household.also you could have atleast tried to plan with her or told her ur plans instead of waiting till she asked for money for housekeeping (communication issue). I don't know of many women that will be happy being the bread winner in their home. the violence part is a No No. please gently set her straight on it.

All da best

Wow, this is so sad, the reason why husband and wife work are for times like this.
My husband was almost the same situation and we worked through it managed it so well, today we are both enjoying the benefits.
It is sad really. However how was your apporach? Did you order her or did you call a meeting to discuss the way forward?
You should best know how to approach your wife on issues, it is sad that because of money she will threaten violence.
We have been through so many financial challenges and we came out stronger and better because we put our heads together in all things, he doesn't order me whenever there is a challenge we have a meeting and seek ways to sort it out. Sometimes I sell my jewelries, once we had to sell my car but through all this we had a clear direction he was open with me and never hid any finanancial so it was easy to trust him and follow his leadership.
It is sad but work with your wife, I hope you get through this well and stronger

Questtions 1: If u are a married woman under this scenario, how wld u av responded or handeled the issue?

I would have responded in a similar way except for the violence part. If I ask my husband to pay for something I feel he should pay for and he not only says no but specifies which of my money in which account I should use for it, you can be sure I will get irritated by that.
So if I understand you correctly, you pay the rent and the children's school fees and she pays for food and housekeeping for the past 2.5yrs? To me, it sounds like a fair deal between husband and wife. Well she has been doing it diligently for all this time so good for her. I think this particular problem stemmed from the fact that she knows you have some money set aside but instead you insist that she use the money she has set aside (is that what a coy's a/c is?) So she is uncomfortable with the fact that you have come to rely so much on her money that you even want to dictate which money she should spend and how to spend it. That being said, it's not like all the responsibility of the home rests on her, she should employ some patience with you and keep doing her part to support the home. It seems you married someone that feels all or most of the financial responsibility of the home should fall on the man, therefore, she feels you are taking her support for granted. You all need to sit down and amicably discuss your vision and direction for your family going forward and how to achieve it together as a team. Are you helping her in other ways in the home?

Questtions 2: Wat wld make a spouse nurse so much anger, bitternes and hate as to wanting 2 commit murder?

Well if the argument almost ended in a scuffle (physical right?), then what do you expect her to say? You guys were starting to get physical and she said one of you must see your creator today and you are wondering why she wants to 'murder you'? Sorry but you have a wife that is not going to roll over if you try to beat her up. She is certainly passionate about not becoming a victim of abuse in your home. I may not have chosen the same words but in that situation, I understand why she said that. You were in the midst of a physical fight!

Questtions 3: Where did I faulter under d scenario and wat lesson(s) are to be learnt?

You faltered by essentially issuing orders on how she should spend her money to do things that she (and you, it seems) deem to be your own responsibility. You should have smoothed it over better not just assuming her money is there to be spent how you want it. Could she be frustrated that you are sending money over for masters that there is no guarantee you will be able to complete? Does she feel that money is being wasted? You should carefully consider if it is a wise expenditure, not because furthering your education isn't important but you need to be realistic and look at the whole picture. I certainly don't know the whole picture so it may be a realistic process but I wonder if she feels so.

1. i would have been a bit hurt to know that you had a "breakthrough" and you didn deem it right to at least contribute to the domestic bill. Your wife might feel you took her contributions for granted and beacuse you feel she has more money somewhere, then you offsetting part of the domestic bills is not necessary. It'll kind of send a bad signal to her.

2.Nothing should make anyone wants to commit murder, nothing at all. But if you are a regular nija guy then i assume that alongside the sharing of the bills you probably also left your wife with all domestic chores, taking care of the kids and also the house. As simple as these chores seems, they are emotionally, physically and financially draining and could almost drive any woman nuts, i've been there so i know exactly how it feels. Violence is however a step or a thought too far.

3. IMO, i think your giving priority to your Masters program at the expense of your upkeep allowance must have annoyed her. you should at least have seperated a little amount and say thanks dear but pls have some money for the upkeep.

Finally, this is the 21st century and i doubt if the bread being won by any man is sufficient to maintain a family so you guys should sit down and determine who is responsible for what (based on your income) and stick to it. however, as God blesses you more, take some more financial responsibility off your wife and try to contribute more.
Wish you all the best.

mrs flawless: 1. i would have been a bit hurt to know that you had a "breakthrough" and you didn deem it right to at least contribute to the domestic bill. Your wife might feel you took her contributions for granted and beacuse you feel she has more money somewhere, then you offsetting part of the domestic bills is not necessary. It'll kind of send a bad signal to her.

2.Nothing should make anyone wants to commit murder, nothing at all. But if you are a regular nija guy then i assume that alongside the sharing of the bills you probably also left your wife with all domestic chores, taking care of the kids and also the house. As simple as these chores seems, they are emotionally, physically and financially draining and could almost drive any woman nuts, i've been there so i know exactly how it feels. Violence is however a step or a thought too far.

3. IMO, i think your giving priority to your Masters program at the expense of your upkeep allowance must have annoyed her. you should at least have seperated a little amount and say thanks dear but pls have some money for the upkeep.

Finally, this is the 21st century and i doubt if the bread being won by any man is sufficient to maintain a family so you guys should sit down and determine who is responsible for what (based on your income) and stick to it. however, as God blesses you more, take some more financial responsibility off your wife and try to contribute more.
Wish you all the best.

Spot on!

@ Airpure n Debrief08. Many thanks 4 your constructive n instructive responses. I totally understand her position and have on countless times reassured her of my sincere appreciation at every opportunity 4 d sacrifices she has made so far and promised to repay every dime expended for the time being (which I have done b4 in d past). I`v also purposed in my heart to leave a legacy 4 her as she has been of immense support. However, I detest quarrels especially over money issues. B4 now, while in paid job, I make provision for every expenses u can think of without asking her 4 any contribution as I wasn`t interested on how she spends her income neither do I ask her 2 account 4 it. I almost fumed d day she said she paid 4 NEPA bill n asked 2 desist frm paying any bills 4 d family on my behalf (then).
Every startup biz has its times of challenges n mine is over (in Jesus name). During dis period, I have earned income intermitently but d cashflow is not as regular like dat of paid job, hence her contributions. I`ve hidden nothin frm her as per my finances in d past n now. The issue of housekeeping did not arise wen we discussed d expenditure 4 income. It was later mentioned becos she had pay off an outstanding (not 4 me) n had not much left. But money came in between frm her biz and I suggested she makes do with dat in d meantime. Is dat enuf 2 warrant d insults (of all sorts) n threats? Besides, she said she has completely lost any form of respect/regard (if any) 4 me wen I made d suggestion. I dont order her around in any way cos I`m a great team player. Infact, my MIL has accussed me of spoiling her by allowing her have her way all d time.
The content n intent in our hearts is expressed in our words and actions.

@ ileobatojo n mrs. flawless. I sincerely appreciate ur candid responses. However, it was never in our plan dat we share responsibilities. It was n is still my responsibility 2 fend 4 my family and cater 4 their needs. All I asked was 4 her 2 keep d home front goin. As per house chores, I dont mean 2 brag, but I`m VERY domesticated 2 d core than my spouse which she admits. She has no qualms staying in an untidied apartment wt dirty dishes in d sink n stuffs litered everywhere (I don talk/councel tire). Presently wt 3 kids (2 in sch), I wake up early enuf 2 get dem prepared 4 sch n even do d dishes sometimes b4 d nanny resumes by 6:30am 2 help out and I set out 4 d days hussling if I`m not working frm home. She on d other hand runs shift so its not like she works d crazy long hrs.
As per d masters programme, I started while in still in paid job until n had plans on how 2 settle d fees. She was one of those dat encouraged me 2 do it b4 d turn of events.
And as per the scuffle, she angrily charged to walk away wen I snatched d fone wt which she was chatting or doin something wt after I had asked her 2 put it away so we could have a civil conversation over the issue. I had 2 hold n pull her back. And this is usually the case most times whenever I seat her down 2 talk. I have read in this forum of how wives get battered by their husbands 4 unjustiable reasons. I can assure u dat those men wld have committed murder if they tasted 5% of my spouse`s provocative attitude/habit sometimes (do disrespect 2 her). But I choose not 2 go d way of violence n it`ll stay dat way. (By God`s grace)

breathless: @ ileobatojo n mrs. flawless. I sincerely appreciate ur candid responses. However, it was never in our plan dat we share responsibilities. It was n is still my responsibility 2 fend 4 my family and cater 4 their needs. All I asked was 4 her 2 keep d home front goin.

Well, maybe you need to stop giving that impression then, you guys should sit down again and agree that all financial responsibility doesn't have to be on you. Yes, even when you are financially able. You are enabling her behavior by making her believe it is all your responsibility. What is the big deal in paying for stuff in the home front when you pay for all the major expenses. Or does she end up paying more money for things than you do?

As per house chores, I dont mean 2 brag, but I`m VERY domesticated 2 d core than my spouse which she admits. She has no qualms staying in an untidied apartment wt dirty dishes in d sink n stuffs litered everywhere (I don talk/councel tire). Presently wt 3 kids (2 in sch), I wake up early enuf 2 get dem prepared 4 sch n even do d dishes sometimes b4 d nanny resumes by 6:30am 2 help out and I set out 4 d days hussling if I`m not working frm home. She on d other hand runs shift so its not like she works d crazy long hrs.

Wow! Kudos to you. Your wife doesn't know what she has.

And as per the scuffle, she angrily charged to walk away wen I snatched d fone wt which she was chatting or doin something wt after I had asked her 2 put it away so we could have a civil conversation over the issue. I had 2 hold n pull her back. And this is usually the case most times whenever I seat her down 2 talk. I have read in this forum of how wives get battered by their husbands 4 unjustiable reasons. I can assure u dat those men wld have committed murder if they tasted 5% of my spouse`s provocative attitude/habit sometimes (do disrespect 2 her). But I choose not 2 go d way of violence n it`ll stay dat way. (By God`s grace)

For you: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders in general, but, you should not have snatched her phone. All those types of things invite physical scuffles. Both of you should devise a working way to defuse tense situations when they arise. Please don't go the way of domestic violence. If you get to the point when you feel like you can't handle her without violence then you need to rethink your marriage IMO.

For your wife: She is out of line and she won't realize what she has until she loses it. Was she like this before she started paying for things? Is her respect for you only tied to your cash flow? I think you need to have a heart to heart on neutral, non confrontational terms, discuss why she doesn't love you or respect you anymore and try to come to common ground. If you can go to counseling that would be even better for you both.

mrs flawless:

3. IMO, i think your giving priority to your Masters program at the expense of your upkeep allowance must have annoyed her.

I'm a married woman and THIS would annoy me

breathless: The scenario;
My spouse of over 7yrs have been footing domestic bills on my behalf for 2 n half yrs (cos biz has been turf). I get a biz deal dat fetches barely enuf 2 take care of d kids sch fees n d rent which fell due (wt harrassment) n settle a few oustandings. Told her abt d deal n how d income will be expended. She requests 4 housekeeping money n I told her I`m on d verge of loosing out on my Masters programme in d UK due to non payment of outstanding tuition fees n such may not be able 2 accomodate dat 4 now as I intend to send some money to d sch to show commitment.
Meanwhile, she does business by d side wt some money in d coy`s a/c. I suggested she expends it on some items including d housekeeping. She shuts down my suggestion rudely (as it has become d norm) n queries why I shld "dictate" how her money in dat coy`s a/c shld b expended since she does not interfere wt how I expend wat comes in from my end on d other coy`s a/c.
Days later on our way back from church, I ask simple question n was rudely answered. I asked why dis change in behaviour wen we got home, she made me realize how angry she was @ me abt my previous suggestions. She accused me of neglecting her needs n being unreasonable. It almost resulted in a scuffle and she threatened dat one of us may see the creator dat nite. I responded dat her behaviour was just very unfortunate and asked if becos I`m not a violent n abusive spouse hence the misbehaviour? She then said if I was violent under the present circumstances, she wld have stabbed me to death and claimed self defence.

Questtions 1: If u are a married woman under this scenario, how wld u av responded or handeled the issue?
Questtions 2: Wat wld make a spouse nurse so much anger, bitternes and hate as to wanting 2 commit murder?
Questtions 3: Where did I faulter under d scenario and wat lesson(s) are to be learnt?

Response from the women in the house will be most appreciated.

Your first post is enough to know that you are a good Husband/Father, because you are still responsible for rent and school fees, the only contribution she is being asked to pay temporarily is for housekeeping, just because you have just set up a business. And also the Masters Degree you are doing is for you to get a better job to upgrade the family ...


I would not bother answering your 1,2,3 poser or nitpick or find fault or try to fuel the flame for the bolded reason above. You are on the right part by setting the tone for communication, and she has responded thank God, so this is where you both need to continue from. Find someome to babysit the children for a few hours and take her somewhere romantic or send her flowers at work and when she gets home take her somewhere nice and quiet and romantic with the children. And whilst the children are doing their own thing, reassure her that you still love her and your children you made together, remind her of some of her qualities that you fell in love with, apologise to her for taking her for granted (yes you didn't but it wouldn't remove a hair from your body) and let her know what loving Husband you are as well or let her tell you how she still fancies you, both of you should just be yourself and talk about the good times and how to resolve the bad times and let her know you cannot wait for your business to get back on its feet so you can resume responsibility of the upkeep. And try to jointly find ways of incorporating ways of keeping romance alive and make sure you stick to it. I wish you the best of luck. Pour out the same passion you used to write this onto your wifey. May God bless and enrich you and your household.

Gr8 responses so far. I appreciate all d critique n encouragement, cos its a learning process 4 me 2 see n understand issues frm a woman`s angle. @ ileobatojo; to answer ur question if she was like this before she started paying for things? The answer is NO. B4 now while in paid job, d level of respect n luv was far better than now. short of saying being revered. These days she seizes any oppotunity 2 cos strife and stiffle our relationship, beef me 4 days unending 4 ignorable issues until I find a way 2 break d ICE. I hope I`m wrong but I sense in my spirit she`s only hanging on becos of wat ppl may say if she were 2 do wat she REALLY wants. And I`ve told her a number of times 2 do d honourable thing if she`s overwhelmed and can`t take d "heat" anymore so as 2 avoid the scenarios dat is playin out @ d moment. In my reflective moments, I thank God 4 allowing pass thru dis season in my life 2 see d other side of ppl around me.
No disrespect 2 my spouse. I still n will always respect, luv n cherish her. She`s a beautiful, pleasant n nice person 2 be with on a "good day". Our marriage was not a compelling one in any way.
However, may I just add dat I have deferred d tuition fee n made provision 4 her requests as @ yesterday.

This is really sad and hard to hear. So sorry about all this but life can be funny. So sorry about what you are going through.
It will pass and hopefully you will both come out stronger

@ debrief08; thx 4 d encouragement.

Breathless, you've been given great words of advice by the responders here.

The only bit I want to harp on, is to avoid violence of any kind whatsoever. So far, you've been a real man in holding back and not lashing out in retaliation. Kudos to you.

Remember always that your kids are a blank slate. Everything they see and emulate in their formative years is based heavily on what they experience in the home front, and how mum and dad interact with each other. Whenever you and wife have issues to sort out, try doing so without yelling or raising your voices. Most importantly, make sure your kids don't see / hear you guys arguing and DEFINITELY no use of violent words such as "meeting one's creator today".

No marriage is plain sailing. It's definitely not a bed of roses. It's a bumpy road full of ups and downs. Always remember that to have a successful marriage, both parties MUST work at it. There are no short cuts here. Put in the time, effort and commitment and you definitely will reap the rewards.

You are simply going through a phase which we all have, at one point or another. Just remember to keep your chin up, continue to work with wifey and all will be well.

Best of luck man!

OP

You married a woman who feels entitled and believes all the financial responsibilities should be on the man

Thats the way Most Naija women are BTW, They dont want to be told how to spend their own money yet want the husband to spend his last kobo

If we are to believe you, When you were picking all the bills and she was keeping all her money there was no issue then

A large percentage of Nigerian women are born with the dependent mentality especially the new generation right from dating into marriage.

Solution: Sit her down and draw out a budget for the family and make every party carry some financial responsibility in the house. The current formular of you paying rents and feeding is OK.

If she cant take care of her own part she can ship out and go live where rent is free and where she wont have to contribute a dime

@ Efemena xy n dayokanu; thx 4 ur response. I know I`ll come out dis better soon.

debrief08: This is really sad and hard to hear. So sorry about all this but life can be funny. So sorry about what you are going through.
It will pass and hopefully you will both come out stronger

Debrief pretty much posted my thoughts for you here. It's kind of heartbreaking really. All the best to you.

breathless: Gr8 responses so far. I appreciate all d critique n encouragement, cos its a learning process 4 me 2 see n understand issues frm a woman`s angle. @ ileobatojo; to answer ur question if she was like this before she started paying for things? The answer is NO. B4 now while in paid job, d level of respect n luv was far better than now. short of saying being revered. These days she seizes any oppotunity 2 cos strife and stiffle our relationship, beef me 4 days unending 4 ignorable issues until I find a way 2 break d ICE. I hope I`m wrong but I sense in my spirit she`s only hanging on becos of wat ppl may say if she were 2 do wat she REALLY wants. And I`ve told her a number of times 2 do d honourable thing if she`s overwhelmed and can`t take d "heat" anymore so as 2 avoid the scenarios dat is playin out @ d moment. In my reflective moments, I thank God 4 allowing pass thru dis season in my life 2 see d other side of ppl around me.
No disrespect 2 my spouse. I still n will always respect, luv n cherish her. She`s a beautiful, pleasant n nice person 2 be with on a "good day". Our marriage was not a compelling one in any way.
However, may I just add dat I have deferred d tuition fee n made provision 4 her requests as @ yesterday.

Damn! U be man! After reading thru ur stories and comment, and this post I quoted, man I duff my hat. Know that what ever decision or actions u take, will affect ur kids. Personaly, I don't knw if I would hv been able to stomach all this! Pray God continue to give u wisdom.

@ OP

I think your MIL is right. You've spoilt her. She knows her child and she gave you an advice yet you didn't listen. Your spouse gives you the silent treatment in your own house and you are busy trying to break ice. Learn to be assertive without cause for fight. BE ASSERTIVE AND DON'T BULGE.( it doesn't mean you love her any less). If i were you, i would seek the advice of a much older married man whose marriage is working( not tom and jerry type), not pastors oh cos they tend to spiritualise everything. Wish you All the best.

@ blaise23.abj; thx 4 d advice. I hope 2 working things out patiently wt her. I`m quite a reserved person who hardly wants to put his personal matters on d "marital table" 4 disection. Seeking councel frm older couples may just b 2nd 2 last resort.