AKPOS IN AN INTERVIEW ON FEMALE AFFAIRS.
Coordinator: Can you tell us the
differences between Girl and A Woman?
Akpos:
»A Girl searches for a rich man
»A Woman searches for a caring and loving
man
»A Girl envies those who move ahead and
hate the players
»A Woman shares their knowledge and
help others move ahead by not hating the
players but teaching them the rules to the
game.
»A Girl measures her man's worth by the
weight of his pocket.
»A Woman measures her man's worth by
his level of Wisdom and the fear of God, and
how disciplined he can be towards his
finances.
»A Girl breaks up with silly excuses
»A Woman has endurance, knowing that
everything happens for a reason
»A Girl thinks about present
»A Woman thinks about the future of you
and herself
»A Girl loves to have many guys going after
her
»A Woman knows the law of demand
(Cheap things have high purchasers)
»A Girl takes relationship affairs
outside
»A Woman solves the problems within
herself and her partner
»A Girl demands for money to buy
make-Ups
» A Woman demand for money to
fulfill her plans
»A Girl gets hurt by one man and
makes all other men pay for it.
»A Woman knows that, that was just ONE
man.
»A girl is "learning"...A woman
"knows"
»A Girl will read this and get an
attitude.
»A Woman will read this and
pass it to other women.

A man goes into a library to ask for a book on suicide.

He met with Akpos the librarian.

Man: Please! Do you have a book on suicide?

Akpos: What do you want to read that kind of book for?

Man: I want to commit suicide.

Akpos stares at him for a while and said; Please leave this place! Who will return the book.

The Teacher told all the students to write an essay on a football match.

All the students immediately got to work.

After a short while, Akpos stood up to submit his work.

The Teacher was shocked when she read what Akpos had written:
Which says; "IT RAINED HEAVILY, SO NO MATCH"

AKPOS: I cleaned my computer and it's broken.

TECHNICIAN: What did you clean it with?

AKPOS: Soap and water.

TECHNICIAN: You are not supposed to use water near a computer.

AKPOS: I don't think it was the water that broke it, I think it is the washing machine.

A husband and wife and their 8 children were waiting at a bus stop.

After a few minutes, an old man who was walking with the aid of a walking stick joined them.

When the bus arrived, it was almost full.

Only the wife and the eight children were able to enter.

The husband and the old man decided to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the walking stick of the old man and said to him;
That ticking sound is driving
me crazy. Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick.

The old man replied:
Shut up and keep walking. If you would have put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick we would be sitting in the bus.

I dy feel wetin u dy talk since, but I no dy play with gun men....hahahahha soldier, na die ooooo

skipo smith007: I dy feel wetin u dy talk since, but I no dy play with gun men....hahahahha soldier, na die ooooo

Bros thank God o. Cos gun no be am. Abeg find stick dey play with. To avoid touching story.

Akpos an armed robber ordered his victim to surrender all the money he had on him.

The victim fearfully obeyed.

After collecting the money, Akpos asked his victim if he had brought all the money on him.

The victim replied, "yes."

Doubting the victim, Akpos the armed robber searched his pockets, finding some money in
the inner pocket, Akpos the armed robber slapped the victims face and said; "Don't you know lying is a sin!"

Akpos walks into a bar and orders for a
drink.
He was obviously upset.
"Akpos, what is the matter?" asked Ofego.
"Ofego, It is a long story. I met this beautiful
woman who invited me to her house. We
stripped off our
clothes and jumped into bed and were just
about to make love when her husband
came in the front door. So I had to jump out
of the bedroom window and hang from the
edge by my fingernails without any clothes
on.
''That's tough!'' said Ofego.
''Right, but that's not what really got me
aggravated. When her husband came into
the room, he wanted to have sex with her
but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of
a bitch pissed out of the window right onto
my head.
'Shit! No wonder you are in a bad mood."
Ofego said.
Akpos continued: 'Yeah, but I haven't told
you what really really made me mad. Next, I
had to listen to them grunting and
groaning and when they finished the
husband tossed his condom out the
window. And where does it land? On my
goddamned forehead!''
''Hmm, that is really so bad!'' Ofego said.
Akpos said: ''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what
really pissed me off was when the husband
had to shit. It turns out that their toilet was
broken, so he stuck his ass out of the
window and let loose right on my head.
That would sure mess up my day. Ofego
said.
Akpos said: 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you
know what REALLY
REALLY REALLY pissed me off?
Ofego said: No.
Akpos said: When I looked down i saw that
my feet was only SIX inches off the ground.

Akpos In church.
Pastor: Akpos are you ready to
give your life to Christ?
Akpos: Yes pastor.
Pastor: Ok, repeat after me. Dear heavenly
father i thank you.
Akpos: Dear heavenly father i thank you.
Pastor: Thank you for giving out your son
Jesus to die for my sin.
Akpos: Thank you for giving out your son
Jesus to die for my sin.
Pastor: Even as i come to you today accept
me and wash my sin away and make me
clean.
Akpos: Even as i come to you today accept
me and wash my sin away and make me
clean.
Pastor: For in Jesus name we pray.
Akpos: For in Jesus name we pray.
Pastor: Amen.
Akpos: Amen.
Pastor: Akpos you are now a new man.
Akpos: Akpos you are now a new man.
Pastor: No, you can stop now i have finish.
Akpos: No, you can stop now i have finish.
Pastor: I said stop repeating after me.
Akpos: I said stop repeating after me.
Pastor: Holy Jesus!
Akpos: Holy Jesus!
Pastor: Akpos stop this before i lay a curse
on you.
Akpos: Akpos stop this before i lay a curse
on you.
Pastor: Do you know you are in
front of the people.
Akpos: Do you know you are in
front of the people.
Pastor: It seems you are not born again yet.
Akpos: It seems you are not born again yet.
Pastor: (Whispers) Akpos please stop.
Akpos: Akpos please stop.
Pastor: Akpos it seems you are possess.
Akpos: Akpos it seems you are possess.
Pastor (Tired): Church please help me beg
Akpos to stop.
Akpos: Church please help me beg Akpos to
stop.
Church Members: Please Akpos stop.
Akpos: (Silent).
Pastor: Akpos go and sit down. (facing the
congregation) Church Offering time.
Akpos: Akpos go and sit down. Church
Offering time.
Pastor: (changes his mood)
Akpos if you think you can come here and
stop offering, that means you lie.
Akpos: Akpos if you think you can come
here and stop offering, that means you lie.

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his
doctor to complain
that he is having a problem with
this cumbersome instrument and
has had more than one
complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total
frustration, "is there
anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically, there is
nothing I can do.
But, I do know a native doctor who may be
able to help you."
So the doctor gives him directions to the
native doctor.
The man went to the native doctor and
says, "Baba, my penis is 25 inches long and
I need help.
Can anything be done to help me? You are
my only hope."
The native doctor stares in amazement,
scratches his head, and then replies, "I think
I may be able to help you with your
problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest.
You will find a pond. In this pond, you will
find a frog sitting on a log. The frog has
magic. You will say to the frog, will you
marry me? When the frog says no, you will
find five inches less to your problem."
The man's face lit up and he
dashed off into the forest.
He called out to the frog, "Will you
marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly
and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his
penis was 5 inches
shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is
great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches,
so he decided to ask the frog to marry him
again.
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its
head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his
penis, looked down, and it was another 5
inches shorter. The
man laughed, "This is fantastic."
He looked down at his penis again, 15
inches long, and reflected for a moment.
Fifteen
inches is still a monster, just a little less
would be ideal. Grinning,
he looked across the pond and
yelled out, "Frog will you marry
me?"
The frog looked back across the
pond shaking its head, "How many times do
I have to tell you?
NO, NO, NO!!!"

During The Shooting Of A Movie.

Director: Now we are going to release the lion and it will chase you, but don't worry it won't bite you.

Ofego: How sure are you?

Director: It is written in the script.

Ofego: Has the lion read the script??

In 1902, a professor asked his student whether it was God who created everything that exists in the universe.

Student replied: Yes.

He again asked: What about evil?
Has God created evil also?

The student got silent....

Then the student requested that may he ask him a question.

Professor allowed him to do so.

He asked: Does cold exist?

Professor said: Yes! Don't you feel the cold.

Student said: I'm sorry but you are wrong sir. Cold is a complete absence of heat. There is no cold, it is only an absence of heat.

Student asked again: Does darkness exist?

Professor said: Yes!

Student replied: You are again wrong sir. There is no such thing like darkness. It is actually the absence of light. Sir! We always study light and heat, but not cold and darkness. Similarly, the evil does not exist. Actually it is the absence of love, faith and true
belief in God.

Akpos was in a restaurant when his phone
rang.
He picked it up and said; Hello! Who is this?
The voice said; Akpos it's me Jane your ex
girlfriend. You just forgot about me o.
No, how can you say such, is you that
forgot about me na, you ran away from
me....Akpos said.
That's that. Akpos you are enjoying o....Jane
teased.
Akpos said; Yes o. I'm on BB now.
Jane screamed; You mean it. I want to be
on BB like you o.
Akpos said; Ok.
Jane said; Today is my birthday, so what will
you buy for me.
Akpos said; You mean today is your
birthday. I didn't know o. Okay don't worry
i'm coming with your BB in an hour's time.
Jane said okay and ends the call.
An hour later there was a knock on her
door, she opened it and it was Akpos
holding a black nylon bag.
She said; Wow! I guess that's the BB.
Akpos said yes.
I can't wait to see it and ping....concurr ed
Jane.
She wanted to grab it but Akpos said she
should not be in a hurry that when he
wants to go, he'll give it to her.
Akpos spent some few minutes with her,
gave her the bag and was about to go.
She wanted to open it but this time Akpos
shunned her saying; Don't open it now,
come and accompany me to the road first,
when you come back, you open it.
The excited Jane said okay and
accompanied Akpos.
And he left.
Later in the day Akpos received a phone call.
Hello! Who is this?...asked Akpos.
The voice said; Akpos It's me Rukayat,
Jane's roommate. Jane has fainted o.
How manage?....aske d Akpos.
Rukayat said; When she opened the black
nylon bag you gave to her, she discovered it
is Beans and Bread that is inside.

njuwo: A husband and wife and their 8 children were waiting at a bus stop.

After a few minutes, an old m ;an who was walking with the aid of a walking stick joined them.

When the bus arrived, it was almost full.

Only the wife and the eight children were able to enter.

The husband and the old man decided to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the walking stick of the old man and said to him;
That ticking sound is driving
me crazy. Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick.

The old man replied:
Shut up and keep walking. If you would have put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick we would be sitting in the bus.

well done brother,gud job and u are putting smiles on ppl's face

One day a man decided to surprise his wife.

He took all day to bake a cake in the shape of a big HEART with the help of the house girl.

The house girl asked him what the shape meant and he simply said
"LOVE".

The wife came back shouting at the house girl when she met her sleeping.

The Wife: Will you get up now! Stupid girl what have you been doing since morning?

Maid: Madam don't be angry please. Me and oga have been making LOVE since morning. Is
just now that we finished. I then said i should lie down and rest a little.

The woman fainted.

omoikea: well done brother,gud job and u are putting smiles on ppl's face

Thank you bros. Make God sugar your milk the more.

Once a fisherman was sitting near a
seashore, under the a tree eating banana.
Suddenly a rich businessman passing by
approached him and enquired as to why he
was sitting eating banana and not working.
The fisherman replied that he had caught
enough fishes for the day.
Hearing this, the rich man got angry and
said:
Why don't you catch more fishes instead of
sitting in shadow wasting your time?
The Fisherman asked: What would i do by
catching more fishes?
Rich Businessman: You could catch more
fishes, sell them and earn more money and
buy a
bigger boat.
Fisherman: What will i do then?
Rich Businessman: You could go fishing in
deep waters and catch even more fishes
and make
more money.
Fisherman: Then what?
Rich Businessman: You could buy many
boats, employ people to work for you and
earn more money.
Fisherman: Then what?
Rich Businessman: You could become a rich
businessman like me.
Fisherman: Then what?
Rich Businessman: You could then enjoy
your life peacefully.
Fisherman: Isn't that what i am doing now?
Moral: You don't have to wait for tomorrow
to be happy. You don't even need to be rich,
powerful before you can be happy. LIFE is at
this moment, enjoy it fully. Be content and
appreciate how much you've been blessed
with.

In a mathematics class, the teacher wrote on
the blackboard
8xy+3gy-14(18/ 3)= 3g-7yx
Then he called Akpos and said; Please Akpos
come and solve this little problem for us.
Gladly and quickly, Akpos walked to the
blackboard, took the duster and wiped the
whole blackboard clean.
Then he turned to the teacher and said; The
problem is solved sir.

Somebody mistakenly sent 800 Thousand Naira to a wrong number which was Akpos' phone number via Mobile Money.

The person realised that before Akpos withdraws the whole money, he had to think of what to do if he wants to get his money back.

To Akpos' phone number. He immediately sent a text: Hi Boss, i hope you are okay. I hope you've received the money i sent you for the introduction ceremony of joining Illuminati Satanism scheduled to happen at 12midnight. That money is only for transport. I will send you more for pocket money and there are riches awaiting you. Remember to carry a syringe and needle meant to draw your blood every 20 minutes. Please don't be late because the devil will be present to officiate the ceremony. Thanks in advance. But in case you are not ready to join, please send back the money.

4 Minutes later. The person gets a Mobile Money message - You have received 800 Thousand Naira for your mobile money account.

Akpos travelled to Contonou to buy a Car.

As he was driving back to Warri, he had an accident along Benin - Ore express road with the car and died.

His body was taken to a Mortuary in Lagos.

Akpos' Family then sent a driver with an Ambulance to Lagos to bring back his body for burial.

The driver was driving slowly back to Warri with the body of Akpos in a coffin on the Ambulance when he received a call from Akpos' family that he should hurry up and bring back Akpos' body so that they'll bury him sharperly cause it was about to rain in Warri.

The Driver started driving speed.

He was speeding along Benin - Ore express road when all of a sudden Akpos rose up from the coffin, tapped him on his shoulder and said; Driver abeg take am easy, i no wan die two times.

Akpos Chatting With His Girlfriend.

Girlfriend: Hi

Akpos: How are you?

Girlfriend: I'm not fine.

Akpos: Oh! You know i love you. What is the problem?

Girlfriend: Please, can you send me 10k.

Akpos: For what?

Girlfriend: I want to use it to buy some clothes, make up and take care of myself for you.

Akpos: Hmmmm, that's my girl. Take it...K,K,K,K,K, K,K,K,K & k. Do you want more

Efe often wondered why his mother never
let him suckle her breasts as a baby.
According to his
maternal aunt, she will rather squeeze the
milk into a bottle and feed him from there.
In primary school, while his mates came to
school with food flasks of assorted dishes,
his mother
usually stuffed his small snack bag with
twelve TomTom sweets insisting he takes
atleast one
every thirty minutes. He also had difficulty
making friends
as people were fond of covering their
noses while talking to him.
When he got into the university, the height
of it was when his supposed best friend
told him to take up classes in sign language.
That got him thinking… Why should he
learn sign language when he was neither
deaf nor dumb. Determined to get to the
bottom of the matter once and for all, he
decided to confront his mother that
afternoon.
”How true is it that you never let me sucked
your breasts? Why am I the only one forced
to use a separate spoon at home? Why is it
that when I’m having an argument with
anyone, I win as
soon as I open my mouth? Why have you
made me lick over
150 packets of TomTom since I was born?
Why do people say I wouldn’t have a
problem eating
sour beans? Why mama, why?”
His mother was moved to tears…
”My son, I didn’t let you suck my breasts
because you were born with a terrible
mouth odour! I
didn’t want my nipples to smell!” she cried
out ”I guess that answers other questions”
Efe ran to his room and wept profusely. His
facebook
girlfriend of two years was finally due to
visit the next weekend and his mouth
odour seemed unstoppable.
The pain seemed to increase each time he
came to terms with the fact that mouth
odour is
stronger than love. He had to do something
fast!
Two house flies flew past his mouth and
collapsed from the stench. In shock, he
grabbed a can
of Airwick Air-freshener and sprayed some
into his mouth. Sadly, the aftermath was a
horrible taste. This had got to stop!
He brought out his PC to skype with the
family dentist and the conversation ended
with the dentist advising him to go on a
long distance relationship rather than
embarrass himself.
If dentists could not help him, he was going
to go resort to African traditional means.
With that
conclusion and inquires from some people,
he made his way to a native doctor shrine
the next day.
On getting to the shrine, the native doctor
perceived his
mouth odour immediately Efe greeted him.
There was no need to tell him the problem
when the problem had
already ‘spoken’.
After the incantations, Efe was told to bring
20 litres
of palm oil, a packet of maggi cubes, 20
cups of garri,
5 litres of kerosene, 2 chickens and three
thousand naira in three days time.
In exact three days, he complied with the
native doctor's directives who handed him
a small rectangular package wrapped in a
red cloth.
”On the day you are meant to visit your
girlfriend, take out one of the contents and
chew with
all your might and strength immediately you
catch sight of
her”. Satisfied, Efe thanked him and went
home.
Upon the arrival of Jane (his facebook
friend) to the
restaurant where they were meant to meet,
he unwrapped the red cloth only to find a
packet
of ORBIT CHEWING GUM!!!
Even Native Doctors know orbit chewing
gum has been palliating the mouth odour
industry since
1806. What’s your excuse for being so
ignorant.

POLICE: Where do you live?

AKPOS: With my parents.

POLICE: Where does your parents live?

AKPOS: With me.

POLICE: Where do you all live?

AKPOS: Together.

POLICE: Where is your house?

AKPOS: Next to my neighbours house.

POLICE: Where is your neighbour's house?

AKPOS: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

POLICE: Tell me.

AKPOS: Next to my house.

Akpos was robbed by armed robbers.

The bag which he was holding was collected from him and the robbers left.

As Akpos was on his way back home he was just laughing.

Ofego saw him and asked; Akpos why are you laughing. What is funny.

Akpos replied; Ofego i was robbed by armed robbers.

Ofego asked; Is that why you are laughing?

Akpos replied; Not just that, they collected my bag.

Ofego said; But Akpos that's not funny.

Akpos said; Ofego it's funny o. I'm laughing because the bag which i was holding contain my fresh 'shit' which i wanted to go and throw away. I guess they helped me.

A Mortuary Attendant was receiving bodies when he saw this body with the name Mike on it with the longest dickey he has ever seen.

He decided to cut it off and go show his wife.

When he reached home he called out his wife "Sweetie come. I want to show you something"

The wife came and on spotting the dickey she screamed: "YOU MEAN MIKE IS DEAD?

Akpos asked a girl in a library;
Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!”.

All the students in the library started staring at Akpos and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the
girl walked quietly to Akpos table and whispered at Akpos; I study psychology and i know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

Akpos responded with a loud voice: 200 Thousand Naira JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? IT'S TOO COST O!!!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

Akpos then whispered in her ear; I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.

(Phone Rings...)

Wife: Hello!

Husband: Hey dear, where are you?

Wife: I'm in a Court right now.

Husband: (Breathing Heavily) Please please my darling, i will not cheat on you again.

Wife: What do you mean?

Husband: I cheated on you, i impregnated our maid, i slept with your best friend and i stole your money.

Wife: Really?

Husband: Yes, but which court are you? Supreme court? Magistrate court? Or Appeal
court?

Wife: I mean, I'm in a BASKETBALL COURT.

One day, Musa was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.

He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.

The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.

The vet charged the Musa 2,000 Naira, and the Musa went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time Musa figured he could probably take care of it himself.

So he called his friend Akpos, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt.

Musa put his lips to the tube and started to blow.

Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked Akpos to give it a try.

Akpos removed the tube, turned it
around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked Musa, horrified.

Akpos replied; Look at you, you think I'll use the side that you've put in your mouth.