nyc one bro! Though some of them are familiar!

njuwo: John: bby am gonna tell u a story
with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts
Grace: alryt love
John: okay am gonna start wth part 1.
There was a husband n a wife, they
were driving to a camp site wen they
came upon a split road. The husband
says "lets take the left one. The wife
say i thnk we shuld take the right
road." The husband slaps the wife
across the face "whose driving me or
u?" and they took the left path.
Grace: hahahahaha..
John: now am gonna tell u part 2.
Once they got to the camp the
husband goes fishing so his wife can
cook dinner. He comes back and the
wife says "good now i can cook fish
soup for us to eat." The husband says
"but i wanna eat fried fish." The wife
slaps the husband n says "who is
cooking me or u?" and the ended up
drinking fish soup.
Grace: oh crap! Hahaha
John: now am gonna tell u part 4.
Grace: wat abt part 3?
John: (landed grace a hot slap on the
face) who is telling the story me or
u?

finally... A joke dat made me laugh on nairaland

The C.E.O was walking in the Factory. He
noticed a Guy leaning against the Wall looking
somewhere. He approached the Man and
asked him," How much do you earn?"
The Guy was amazed and said," N2000 sir"
The CEO took out his wallet and gave the Guy
N6000 and told him," I pay People here to
Work and not to waste time. This is your 3
months salary and now get out of here NEVER
come back."
The Guy said,"Thank you sir!" 3 times then
walked away in a haste.
The CEO now looked at other Workers and
asked," Who was that Guy?"
The Workers replied," He was the Pizza
delivery Guy sir!"

This evening, Akpos' Landlord was
complaining dat Ofego had impregnanted his
daughter. .As Akpos over-heard d landlord
shouting, he came out of his house and asked
d landlord.Akpos: Oga landlord, what have
Ofego done dis time?.Landlord: Ofego got d
mind to impregnant my only
daughter.Akpos: Oga landlord, are u sure of
wat u are saying?.Landlor d: Yes, this
evening
i saw mydaughter vomitting, wen i noticed
dat she was pregnant, i asked her who
impregnanted her& she said dat Ofego is d
one who impregnanted her.Akpos:
Abomination, Ofego is afool, he is a bastard.
Oga landlordsince i have been sleeping with
ur wife, have u got any reportthat i have
impregnanted her?.

A youth corper was part
of the invigillators in a WAEC GCE exam
holding in the school he is
serving, right inside the
hall when the exam
was on going, one sexy
gal who was wearing
a very short skirt and
looking gorgeous was
cutting eye for the corper, giving him a
seductive look, so he
went straight to
the gal to find out what her
problem was. The corper gave the gal d
solution to the
mathematics question. So, after
the exam, the Corper followed
d gal up to arrange of how they
would meet and the gal said: do u
think I'm a prostitute? All those
actions I was displaying for u in the hall are
fake oooo, thats my
boyfriend
waiting for me.. Mugu!..and she
laughed!....
The Corper laughed too and
said: do u think I read
Mathematics? I studied Yoruba in school, all
those
answers I gave to
you are formulated and
fake!.......... ..
The Girl Screamed n
Fainted!!!!!! =))

patrkq: finally... A joke dat made me laugh on nairaland

or d only joke u get.

Good job man

A woman hears someone knock at the door. She
opens to see and a man asks, "Do you have a
vagina??" She slams the door in disgust.
The next day she hears a knock, opens up and its
the same man. He asks the same question the
woman slams the door again.
Her husband gets home she tells him what
happened for the last two days. The husband says
to her, "Honey I'm taking tomorrow off to be
home just in case he shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door
and the husband says, "I'm going to hide behind
the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want
you to answer yes to see where he is going with
this." The man asks the same question, "Do you
have a vagina?" "Yes!" Replies the woman. The
man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your
husband to leave my wife's own alone and start
using yours??

I went to WARRI last week sunday, if u see d name of churches wen i see, Ha! My broda even Satan sef dey fear. Make i yarn una: i see church names like.. 1. Nak ur pako 4 Satan head Ministerial Church of Fire. 2. Satan ur own don kpafuka evangelical ministry. 3. Operation cary devil nack 4 ground Bible ministry. 5. The Atomic Bomb Bible Brigadial Barack Ministry. AKA shoot d devil make im eye clear. 6. Satan Wetin we do u Evangelical church of God Aka Satan leave us jeje. 7. Operation No luk uche Face Biblical Church of Christ. Aka Slap satan face ministry. 9. SATAN If u try us u go hear ween Prayer ministry. 10. Satan chop make i chop Bible Assembly. Aka we no dey find Satan trouble ministry.
I was shocked beyond recognitn when i saw dis name, Boko Haram Evangelical Movement A.k.a Na peace we want.

twitter acount wit 1500
felower 4 sale cöntact me
07035271659

WOMAN: My Husband is not
interested in sex. DOCTOR: Ok!
give these pills to
him.Everyday, put 1 pill in his
tea. the woman did and they
had sex which they enjoyed.
Next day she puts 2 pills in his
tea and they enjoyed much
more sex. 3rd day, she
emptied the whole bottle in
his tea. …Two days later
Doctor called to know the
progress. Son picked and
replied: "Mom is in coma at de
moment, Aunt is in hospital,
Maid is suing Dad for rape, My
own ass hurts and bleeding
and Dad is still running naked
in de garden, shouting Bingo!
Bingo!! Bingo!!! but the dogs
are no where to be found

Okon, was embarking on a long trip and
decides his wifeshould wear steel
underwear. He locks the underwear and
gives the key to his bestfriend
Akpos, saying "If i don't come back in 10
years, set her free."
Okon was only 30 minutes into his journey
when he sees a cloud of dust behind him. It
was Akpos running after him.
"What's wrong?" Okon asked.
Akpos, still panting, says "You gave me the
wrong key!"

I went to a cinema with Akpos, on getting to
the cinema we saw a bald guy, I showed the
guy to Akpos and said "Look at fresh head,
this one is good to slap, but I'm afraid of the
guy's face".
Akpos then said to me "Ofego, you fear a lot,I
will slap that head and nothing will happen".
I dared him to do it and he went to where
the guy was sitting and gave him a HOT SLAP
on his head. The guy was surprised, and
wanted to react, then Akpos said "Bros
Ofego, so you are here, and we have been
looking for you at home!"
The guy responded "I'm not Bros Ofego,
maybe we look alike", Akpos murmured
"maybe."
After some minutes In the cinema, Akpos
called me again and said "Ofego, I will slap
that guy again and nothing will happen." I
answered "ok"
He went to the guy, gave him a hot slap and
said "Bros Ofego stop lying, I say na u be
dis..."
The guy said to him angrily "I'm not Bros
Ofego,please, let me be". The guy then left
that seat and went to the front seat.
After some minutes Akpos called me and said
"Ofego, I will slap that guy again and nothing
will happen."
This time i told him that "if anything happens,
I will pretend I don'tknow him."
He stood up, went to the front seat, gave the
guy a very hot slap and said"Bros Ofego, so
na here you dey, I come dey slap another
person for back!"

Akpos’ elder brother, Tommy, traveled to
London months ago, leaving behind Akpos,
their aged mom & their pet cat, Kelly. Last
week Tommy called from London to know
how they’re doing…
TOMMY: Hello brother how are you doing?
how's mom and how is Kelly?
AKPOS: Kelly is Dead!
TOMMY(after a pause): Akpos, bad news is
not revealed in that manner. U should have
started by saying something like, "Kelly fell
inside a well but neighbors are trying to
rescue it". Then when I call again U tell me,
"Kelly broke it's neck and is receiving
treatment". Then when I call again, U tell me
they did their best but couldn't save it.
That's how to break a bad news in a mature
way. OK?
AKPOS: Ok bros, understood.
TOMMY: Ok, so how is Mom?
AKPOS: Bros, Mom fell inside a well, but
neighbours are trying to rescue her.
(Phone cuts).Tommy has been admitted in a
private hospital in London after going into
coma.

Akpos: Hello Girl
Chichi: Hello!
Akpos: Do you have a boyfriend?
Chichi: Nope. I don't want to have a
boyfriend.
Akpos: oh no!!!! Remember Genesis 2:18
The
Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to
be
alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Chichi: But I don't love you.
Akpos: no, u just have to love me, remember
1 John
4:8 "Who ever does not love does not know
God,
because God is love."
Chichi: But how can I be sure that you're
loyal and
honest?
Akpos: Mark 13:31 says "Heaven and earth
will
pass away, but my words will never pass
away."
Chichi: But I'm busy, I'm still studying.
Akpos: yes dear but Ecclesiastes 3:1 said
"There is
a time for everything, and a season for every
activity under the heaven."
Chichi: But why me? There are alot of girls
out
there.
Akpos: Proverbs 31:29 "Many women do
noble
things, but you surpass them all."
Chichi: But what is in me that you like?
Akpos: Song of Solomon 4:7 "You are
altogether
beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in
you."
Chichi: no ooo, I'm not beautiful.
Akpos: Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive,
and
beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears
the Lord
is to be praised."
Chichi: Why all dis?
Akpos: 2 Corinthians 2:4 "For I wrote you
outof
great distress and anguish of heart and
with many
tears, not to grieve you but to let you know
the
depth of my love for you."
Chichi, waoooo, i'm flattered, i think i love u,
let's
start with u buying me an Iphone 6.
Akpos: no dear, remember 1 John
2:15...."Love not
the world, neither the things that are in the
world
Chichi: Omg!!! That reminds me, you have no
job as well...
Akpos: Don't worry, Genesis 22:8 says GOD
WILL
PROVIDE.

A lady wanted a house boy, she went over
to
Ofego who then brought his younger
brother Akpos for the job.
"What is so special about dis boy?" asked de
lady."he
is sharp" replied Ofego. Then the lady asked
Akpos " how do i look?" Akpos replied " you
look
like a prostitute". The lady was very furious,
then turned to Ofego and said " i can't take
such a rude boy". Ofego
pleaded with her to wait on a little, he took
Akpos to
de back of the house and dipped him inside
a
bucket of water, when he brought him out
he said
to him "insult that lady one more time and i
will
dip u inside a bucket of water again". He
took
Akpos back to the lady and said " please
ma'am ask
him another question;
Lady: If i come home with a man, who is he?
Akpos: Your husband.
Lady: 2 men?
Akpos: Your husband and his brother.
Lady: 3 men?
Akpos: Your husband, his brother and your
brother.
Lady: 4 men?
Akpos: Bros Ofego get the Bleep'n bucket of
water, i
already told u, she is a PROSTITUTE!!!!!

Akpos and Ofego were having dinner
when suddenly armed robber
broke into their house. Akpos wanted to run
away but he said to himself
dat if he run away, he might be killed so he
freezed himself & stood like
an image. The armed robber ordered for
money
but they did not have
money, so d armed robber looked at d image,
then turned to Akpos' friend Ofego and said:
Armed Robber: Take a look at such a beautiful
image you have in ur house, but
you don't have any money. Infact i'm going to
destroy dis image.
*sets his gun, points at d image(Akpos) and
was about to shoot.*
Akpos: (screamed out!) Please dont shoot, i
am
d image of God.
Armed Robber: So here you are, i have been
praying to you to give me job
but you don't want to answer my prayer.
Today, since i have d
opportunity of seeing you, i will not let u
escape. When you get to
hell, explain to them why u did not want to
give me a job.
*about to shoot*
Akpos: (screamed out again!) Please, please, i
am
d image of Akpos. I don't want to die!.

Husband & wife were arguing on who is the
most Coward & Scared between dem. After a
long argument, they
decided to ask their two kids who they
think was the most Coward & Scared
between them. The first Kid (Junior)
says: Dad is the most Coward cos, 1:
"He's scared of women: Whenever he
sees a Beautiful lady in town; He closes
his one eye (i.e- WINKs @ d LADY)......
Wife realizing d meaning was very angry with
her husband" The Second
kid (faith)says: "that is nothing My
Daddy is not coward as our mummy
becos, Mummy is so Scared (coward) to
Sleep alone When DAD works Night
shift, MUMMY Sleeps with the Man next door;
Sometimes She invites the
GARDENER or Uncle KINGSLEY to Sleep
with Her. Sometimes Uncle Mayowa the
Youth Corper, after leaving your room
even escort her to the bathroom & bath
with her just because she's scared.
HUSBAND FAINTED IMMEDIATELY!"

Interviewer: There are two main rules for our
company to select you
Applicant: What is it sir?.
Interviewer: Our second rule is Cleanliness,
did you wipe your feet on the mat near the
door before coming in?
Applicant: Yes sir!
Interviewer: Our First rule is trustworthiness,
and for your information there isn't any mat
near the Door

Akpos sat in church next to
a lady and after a while, he whispered,"can i
have your
womanliness??"
Lady whispered back,"arent you ashamed of
asking me that in church??"
Akpos whispered,"aren 't you
ashamed of bringing it to church?"

Akpos was in front of me coming out from
the church after service,
and pastor was standing at the door as usual
to shake hands.
He grabbed Akpos by the hand and pulled
him aside. Pastor said to him, "You need to
join the Army of the Lord!"
Akpos replied, "I'm already in the Army of the
Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you
except at Harvest, Thanksgiving, Christmas,
New year
and Easter?"
Akpos whispered back, "I'm an
undercover agent!"

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver
knew that they weredrunk so he started the
engine & turned it off again. He told them."We
have reached ". The 1st guy gave him money
& the 2nd guy said "thank you". The 3rd guy
(Akpos) gave the driver a slap. The driver was
shocked,thinkin g the 3rd drunk (Akpos)
knew what he did. But he asked "whats that
for?". The 3rd guy (Akpos) replied:" CONTROL
YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!".

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in
Nigeria and asked to be taken
to the Ahmadu Bello airport.
On the way, a car zoomed by and the
tourist responded, 'Oh! Toyota - Made in
Japan! Very fast!'
Not too long afterward, another car
flew by the taxi. 'Oh! Nissan - Made in
Japan! Very fast!'
Yet another car zipped by, and the
tourist said, 'Oh! Mitsubishi - Made in
Japan! Very fast!'
The taxi driver, who was 100% Nigerian,
was starting to get a little annoyed
that the Japanese made cars were
passing his taxi, when yet another car
passed the taxi as they were turning
into the airport. 'Oh! Honda - Made in Japan!
Very fast!'
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed
to the meter, and said, 'That'll be
5000 naira .'
'5000 naira? It was short ride! Why so
much?'
The Taxi driver smiled as he replied,
'Meter - Made in Nigeria. Very fast.'

ofego so you still dey here like me.

Any way na Viz hyipking be this

vizboy: ofego so you still dey here like me.

Any way na Viz hyipking be this

Well done o.

TITLE OF SONG: ASUU personally
Personally.......x3
Personally........x3
Personally I once had it,
I don tire to feed my body, I jx dey fear my
books like sey I neva jacked it,
Pple rsn dt am joking like it
Aaaah.......Na wetin b dis
ASUU na wetin I c
Saga........dem no wan gree,dm sey FG no
gree pay
Chorus
Personally...Professionally ds strike is nt
intentionally bt d effect is physically,
do they want us to go radically,
Emotionally,psychologically,
our girls forcefully r going biologically,
sexually,dramatically n them sey them no
wan gree
Yeah exceptionally
We need to go spiritually
Them reason na financially
But magically them dey groove
internationally
Nawa.........nawatically
Waka.........na from my dictionary
Saga....them no wan gree
They sey them no wan gree. . .
Chorus:
ABEG UNA FIT COMPLETE DE REst

Police officers at a road block ....
as motorists are stuck in jam
he stops a trailer
policeman : where is your permit
driver: hands in permit
policeman : do you have
extinguisher.
driver : yes its there ....
policeman : light up your indicators
driver: exactly on point indicators
work ....
policeman : do you have seat belt
driver : yes u can check .....
policeman : hoot a bit i hear ...
driver: pipipipi
policeman turns to his fellow officer
and says the man has everything let's
leave let him go.
As the motorist drives away officer
shouts : is your simcard
registered ....
motorist: no
officer : swine park there!. how can you
drive without registering your number
what if you get accident how will we
identify you ....