A GIRL'S FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:-
"Wow I just found the love of my life...Nothing
will ever stop me from loving my man♥."
.
,, ,,
.
,14 DAYS LATER:-
"Never make sum1 a priority when u're just
an option to
them..!"
.
,, ,,
.
2 DAYS LATER:-
"I HATE love so much!"
.
,, ,,
.
3 DAYS LATER.
"I'm happy to remain single and I will never
fall in love
again."
.
,, ,,
.
5 DAYS LATER:-
"I'm looking for a man to love and treat me
right."
.
,, ,,
.
15 DAYS LATER:-
"When u deeply fall in love with a right
person, u realise
why it didn't work with anybody else but him.
I love my guy so much....mmmuaaa h. "
.
,, ,,
.
8 DAYS LATER:-
"smh..!! All men are the same!!!!!"

A Funny Conversation Between A Man And
His Daughter.
The Girl said: Dad, I’m in love with a boy
who is far away from me. I am here in
Nigeria and he lives in London. We met on a
dating website, became friends on
facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he
proposed to me on skype, and now we’ve
had 2 months of relationship through Viber.
I need your blessings and good wishes,
daddy.
Her Dad replied: Wow! Really!! Then get
married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy
your kids on e-bay, receive them through
gmail. And if you are fed up with your
husband sell him on OLX.

Akpos and his best friend Kome sat in the
exam room to write their final exams.
Kome had studied very well for the paper
while Akpos had not.
This is what went on between them in the
exam room.
INVIGILATOR : 10 mins more…
AKPOS : Kome, are you done with the
theory?
KOME : Yes, but I am now doing the
objectives.
AKPOS : Ok then pass the theory to me, for
me
to copy because I have not done anything.
KOME : Is that so? Ok take it and copy
because
time is not on our side.
AKPOS : Thanks
INVIGILATOR : Get ready to stop
work……
KOME : Hey Akpos, give me my paper.
AKPOS : Oh Kome, I couldn’t do it
oo…it was too much, so I cancelled your
name
and wrote my name there…
KOME : What!!!
INVIGILATOR : Stop work!!!.

Son: wow! The fabulous Super Eagles Of
Nigeria will be playing a football match with
Malawi. Can we go to the stadium
tomorrow?
Dad: No. U have to queue up to get tickets
and even stand during the match. You can
see it better on TV.
Daughter: Can we make it to the
trade fair this weekend?
Dad: No sweety, there is grand sales live
show on TV every Saturday. We
will watch everything on TV.
Wife: Honey honey, let's go have a
wonderful time at the Nigeria Music Awards
this evening.
Dad: Hmm. No Darling, it will be
broadcast live on TV. Better on TV at home
Dad: Daaarling, I'm hungry. What are we
eating for dinner?
Wife: U can watch Daughters Of Sarah on
TV. They are preparing yam and oil beans.
Enjoy dinner.
Everything is better on TV.

At a church service on a
sunday in northern Nigeria,
while service was still on,
all of a sudden a boy stood
up and shouted
bOMb! bOMb!! bOMb!!!
Immediately every one was
running helter skelter some even fainted
while some said
their last prayers,
even pastor sef prayed last
prayer,
then the boy ran to the alter
picked up the Microphone
and shouted
ApriLLLL
fOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOL....

Akpos was seated in a bus and a
lady came in. Because the bus was filled up,
she had to stand.
Akpos said out aloud: I hate to
see a girl standing in a bus when
I am comfortably seated, it bothers me.
The Girl asked: So what do you do?
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
Akpos replied: I close my eyes and sleep.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a
perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect
wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this
perfect couple was driving their perfect car
(a Grand Caravan)
along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to
help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge
bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys
into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along, delivering
toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind numbing question is:
Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The perfect woman survived.
She's the only one who really existed in the
first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and
there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here.
That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa
Claus, the perfect woman must have been
driving. And that explains why there was a
car accident.

A Drunk 18yrs old boy ask a married woman out.

The woman gets pissed and tells her husband Akpos the scenario.

Akpos tells her to invite the boy over so that he can beat the hell out of him. He also tells His Wife that he will hide under the bed and wait for the boy.

The woman did as her hubby requested.

When the boy gets there he kisses the woman and takes off his T-shirt and his body is full of
scars so the woman asks
"why so many scars??".

The boy replies: "I like to lay with
married women and usually i get caught so i kill their husbands.
If someone shows up now he'll be Number 20 on my murder list".

The boy continue kissing the woman and then the woman tries to reach out to her husband Akpos under the bed.

A small voice came up and says: "If you tell him am here, i swear, i'll kill u before he kills me.

Akpos was on his way back home early one morning when he came across robbers.

They got hold of him.

He struggled and struggled but they over powered him.

When they searched him and found only one torn N20 note
on him, the following dialogue
ensued.

Robbers: (Angrily) Wait, so it is dis
nonsense tear tear N20 dat is
makin u to struggle with us, are u nt afraid of our gun, dere's bullet inside o.

Akpos: No o, why wuldnt i b afraid of u people's gun wen
bullet is inside, I thought u all want to collect d N10,000 i'm
hidin inside my socks on my
right leg shoe.

Boy: Babe, i want to show you something.
Girl: What is it??
Boy: But can i show you this in your room?
Girl: Okay.
Boy: Can we close the door?
Girl: hmmm okay
Boy: Can we close the window?
Girl: Okay.
Boy: Can we turn off the light?
Girl: Yess.
Boy: Grab my hand.
Girl: *grabs his hand* what is it?
Boy: Look at this, my watch glows in the
dark!!!

I HATE HAVING DREAMS..
The last time i dreamt, i died in the dream and went
to heaven. I met with an angel who i begged for
another chance. He agreed to send me back to the
earth but on the condition that i will come back as a
female chicken. I had no option than to agree, so i was sent back
to earth from heaven.
When i came back as a female chicken, i met a male
cock who got me pregnant. After months of my
pregnancy, time to deliver came.
I hatched the first egg, followed by the second, third
and fourth. While i was trying to hatch the fifth egg, I heard a
sounding slap on my face. I woke up
immediately from my dream and saw my friend
standing by my bedside, he looked at me and said
"Mumu! you don sheet for bed oo"

Akpos: Madam, how much are your eggs?
Egg Seller: Big ones go for N30,
small ones N25, cracked ones N5.
Akpos: Ok Madam crack six big ones for me.

Akpos And Rukewe were throwing stones to bring a mango down from a tree.

Rukewe suggested, "Maybe it is not ripe, why don't we confirm first?"

Akpos climbed the tree & went to touch it to make sure it was ripe..,
"Yep, it is ripe!"

He climbed down & they continued throwing stones at it with much more effort this time...

[video]http://v4.cache1.c.youtube.com/CjYLENy73wIaLQnoe8ZJG0efwRMYESARFEIJbXYtZ29vZ2xlSARSBXdhdGNoYMOswLnm4KmOUgw=/0/0/0/video.3gp[/video]

A couple watching an EPL match together.
After five minutes:
Wife: Is that Saint Obi?
Husband: No.
He is Mikel Obi. Saint Obi is a Nollywood Actor.
Wife: Mikel Obi is smart. He should be in
Nollywood movies like his brother.
Husband : He does not have a Nollywood
actor brother.
Wife: See Another Goal in less than a minute.
Husband: No. It is called action replay.
Wife: Looks like Enyimba is going to win this
match.
Husband: It is not Enyimba. It is Man U vs
Chelsea.
Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a Firing
Squad.
Husband: He is called a centre referee and he
is not calling for a firing Squad. It's a free
Kick.
Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the
tickets? Why is it a Free Kick?
Husband: #Mute , not uttering a word.#.
Wife: Now is the centre umpire talking to his
wife on the phone?
Husband: No, he is communicating with his
linesman.
Wife: Why is he showing only red and yellow
cards? Is there not any Blue card or
something?
Frustrated husband turns off the TV. *Wife
turns it on and watches "African Magic".*
Husband: Who is this Mercy Johnson?
Wife: Listen to what they are saying and Don't
disturb me.

Wife: Our house girl is
pregnant?

Husband: That's her problem.

Wife: I heard you are responsible.

Husband: That's my problem.

Wife: I can't take this from you!

Husband: That's your problem.

Wife: The neighbours are talking.

Husband: That's their problem.

Wife: This house will not contain me and you.

Husband: That's our problem. Let everybody carry and solve their problem.

One word for Husband.

A doctor summons a woman & asks to know why, after the husband had complained to him dat the woman no longer allows him to sleep with her.

The woman said; I work so hard for d family. It happens like dis, i get ready for work in d mornin, i take a taxi to work, on gettin dere, dere's no money on me, d taxi driver asks; do u want to pay or what? I go for or what. At work, i fail to meet up d daily target, my boss asks; do u want me to sack u or what? I go for or what. Goin back home, i take a taxi, on gettin home, no money on me. The taxi driver asks; do u want to pay or what? I go for or what. Dats it!

The doctor then leans forward and says; So, do u want me to tell ur husband or what?

A robbery operation was being conducted on cars caught up on traffic by robbers. They were robbin all d cars one after d other. On gettin to a range rover sports car, their leader hailed d occupant and allowed it to go. Why did u allow dat car to go?....one of d robbers asked d leader. He replied; D person in dat car is an ex governor of dis state, our elder in robbing and our former leader but has retire.

One night armed robbers were tryin to break in and rob a rich man's house. The rich man quickly called d police with his phone and Akpos, a newly recruited police man answered d call and assured d man he's comin. As he was comin alone, d armed robbers halted him; come here, where are u goin wit dat gun? Akpos the police man suddenly stopped & started shiverin. He replied; i heard u are robbin here so i decided to come & use dis gun to support u people! The armed robber shouted; is dat not police uniform u are puttin on. Akpos quickly replied: No o, it's my night gown.

Dame Patience went out for drink with some of the top women….
Waiter brings their bill:
Dame Patience N10,400
Ngozi Okonjo. N10,250
Dora Akunyili. N10,450
Turai Yar’adua. N10,200
Total. N41,300
She says: I will pay for everyone else, but Total must pay for
herself because I didn’t invite her, afterall she owns petrol
stations all over Nigeria! .....=)) =))

A maid wanted a salary raise.

Madam wanted 3 reasons why she wanted a raise.

Maid: I can cook Better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me.

Madam: OK, second reason?

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me.

Madam: OK, and the third reason?

Maid: I'm also better in bed than you.

"This time Madam was furious & was gettin ready to break her head"

Madam: Did my husband say that?

Maid: No the driver told me I'm better in bed than you are.

Madam: Please lower your voice. I will increase your salary.

HOW TO PROPOSE TO A LADY THE NORMAL
WAY...
First thing to do is hire a helicopter, invite
her
for
a
ride (we all know that no girl will reject a
helicopter
ride). Immediately you are in the sky, bring
out the
engagement ring and propose to her by
saying ..
..
..
..
.. .. ..
..
..
"Marry me or get out of my helicopter"
No girl can ever say no to that..
Try it and see!

Akpos is right back from school hungry and tired.

Mum: oh Akpos, u're back?

Akpos: Yes mum

Mum: How was school today?

Akpos: Fine mum

Mum: What were u taught in school today?

Akpos: Agriculture. A topic on Desert

Mum: Wow! Dats gud, so what is a desert?

Akpos: A desert is a place where grass never
grows

Mum: Example?

Akpos: Dad's head

A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car and got to a checkpoint.

The police man stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out.

The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, the
police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you have an accident
now who will go and tell your people ?"

The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, The Holy Spirit, Angel Gabriel, Angel Micheal and five other angels are with me here.

The police man said: "All these
people inside this your small car? I charge you for overloading.

Ways to know if you have mouth odour.
1. You always win an argument quickly.
2. You are explaining something to your
friends and they are looking at another
direction.
3. Any time you yawn, dogs always bark.
4. You want to kiss your girlfriend and she
tells you "I don't like kissing".
5. You want to whisper to your friend's ear
and he starts begging you that he already
know what u want to say.
6. You try to sing for a little baby and he/she
starts crying.
7. Pastor is praying for everybody in the
church, when it got to your turn, he
instructed you to say AMEN in ur mind.

Pastor Akpos told his church members, that
he saw a vision that he should pray for all
working class members of the church.
So he said all church members
should bring their working tools on sunday.
On sunday, as he was starting the program,
he said everybody who brought their
working tools,
should stretch it forward and face
him.
All members did as he said
Tailors stretched their Scissors
towards him. Teachers stretched
their Chalk towards him.
Bankers stretched their Pen towards him.
And about 15 members of the church who
were
hunters and Police Men, also stretched their
Guns towards him.
Not noticing there were guns
pointed at him Pastor Akpos said
to all the workers to start making use of
their tools as they do in their normal way of
life. Tailors started clipping their scissors.
Teachers started moving their Chalk.
Bankers started signing with their Pen And
the 15 members with Guns released their
erroneous bullets towards Akpos.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
Akpos has been flown to Germany
for treatment over 15 bullet
wounds.
I pray he survives.

Wife: Honey can i use OUR Blackberry?

Husband: No problem, It's on the table.

Wife: Can i use our jeep? I want to get something from the market.

Husband: But you have ur own car ok here is the key.

Wife: Erm, erm, honey..... erm, erm can i use our ATM Card? I want to withdraw our money.

Husband: If i give you our slap, you will not see clearly with our eyes to drive our jeep to withdraw our money.

Akpos comes home one night,
and his wife throws her arms around his
neck: "My husband! I am one month overdue.
Is like am pregnant! The doctor gave
me test today, but until it's sure, we wuldn't
tell anybody."
The next day, Akpos' wife receives a
telephone call from PHCN because they had
not paid
their bill.
Am I speaking to Mr Akpos? "This is he's wife.
She replies.
PHCN guy: "You're a month overdue hope u all
know?"
How did you people know? stammers Akpos'
wife.
"Madam it's in our files" says the
PHCN guy.
She shouts "how did it enter u people's file?"
Phcn guy: We have a system
of finding out who's overdue
Akpos Wife: Oh my GOD !!!!!!, this is too much,
what kind of thing
is dis?
Phcn guy: Madam, I am sorry, I
am following orders, I
have to inform you that you are
overdue
Akpos' wife: no problem. I'll tell my husband
when he comes back.
That night, she tells Akpos "They know i'm
overdue at PHCN o!",
The next day Akpos rushes to
PHCN office.
"What is happening? i heard dat
u people has a file dat my wife is overdue.
Does it concern u people!"he says angrily.
Just calm down, says the lady at
the reception at PHCN, its nothing
serious. All you have to do
is pay us.
Akpos: Pay u people for what? What if i don't
pay?
Lady: Well, in that case, sir,
we have no option but to cut
yours off.
Akpos: If u cut it what will my wife do?
Lady: I don't know. I guess,
she would have to use a
candle!!! Akpos fainted!!

Akpos comes home one night,
and his wife throws her arms around his
neck: "My husband! I am one month overdue.
Is like am pregnant! The doctor gave
me test today, but until it's sure, we wuldn't
tell anybody."
The next day, Akpos' wife receives a
telephone call from PHCN because they had
not paid
their bill.
Am I speaking to Mr Akpos? "This is he's wife.
She replies.
PHCN guy: "You're a month overdue hope u all
know?"
How did you people know? stammers Akpos'
wife.
"Madam it's in our files" says the
PHCN guy.
She shouts "how did it enter u people's file?"
Phcn guy: We have a system
of finding out who's overdue
Akpos Wife: Oh my GOD !!!!!!, this is too much,
what kind of thing
is dis?
Phcn guy: Madam, I am sorry, I
am following orders, I
have to inform you that you are
overdue
Akpos' wife: no problem. I'll tell my husband
when he comes back.
That night, she tells Akpos "They know i'm
overdue at PHCN o!",
The next day Akpos rushes to
PHCN office.
"What is happening? i heard dat
u people has a file dat my wife is overdue.
Does it concern u people!"he says angrily.
Just calm down, says the lady at
the reception at PHCN, its nothing
serious. All you have to do
is pay us.
Akpos: Pay u people for what? What if i don't
pay?
Lady: Well, in that case, sir,
we have no option but to cut
yours off.
Akpos: If u cut it what will my wife do?
Lady: I don't know. I guess,
she would have to use a
candle!!! Akpos fainted!!

Akpos applied for a job and after
the interview, the boss called him and said
"After going through your C.V, i am proud to tell you that you've been employed and we want you to use your knowledge and
experience to drive this company to greater heights"

Akpos got angry and said
"Sir, with all due respect, i read Mechanical Engineering in Delta State University Abraka, i don't only have a B.sc but an M.sc and you expect me to be a driver?