In response to davidylan - maybe it's okay to compare future g/fs to your first true love, after all you should be aiming for someone better (no offence to her, I'm sure she was lovely - hence why you're using her as a benchmark),

Maybe you should just learn to accept the lasting appreciation you'll always have for your first love, not being too bothered that you won't overcome it, most people don't. But whatever you do, don't worship her, think about her cons aswell, don't mark down every potential great g/f because you're measuring her cons to your first love's pros,

topup:

Do you honestly believe that your first true love was the ideal girl? Or is it just because you can't get her out of your mind? Just wondering what makes a girl so special you can't get her of your mind? Was it the duration of the relationship (my analytical self asking questions again )

Yes, he will be the benchmark but luckily he didn't have too much of a hold on me though, we only went out for 3-4 months.

Yes, yes and yes!!!   Plenty have passed through my mind and i forgot about them 5 mins later but this one has been diff and its been 4 yrs.

To your post, its not the duration alone you have to worry about . . . you feel a special attraction to that person that is so difficult to shake. Looks like you're only gungho about this guy because he seems to have been your first. most likely you'll be over him by the time you run into bf no. 2.

onyinye2:

So you do have a heart after all.

Even a lion has a heart.

topup:

In response to davidylan - maybe it's okay to compare future g/fs to your first true love, after all you should be aiming for someone better (no offence to her, I'm sure she was lovely - hence why you're using her as a benchmark),

Maybe you should just learn to accept the lasting appreciation you'll always have for your first love, not being too bothered that you won't overcome it, most people don't. But whatever you do, don't worship her, think about her cons aswell, don't mark down every potential great g/f because you're measuring her cons to your first love's pros,

its easy for you to start giving advice, you just wait until it happens to you. Rational behaviour will take its leave.

HCH3COO:

I didn't. I said I thought he was cruel. Quit the jive.

By the time you posted this I had quitted 'the jive' but seriously that has really annoyed me, if anything you started it. Also, just to point out, that is NOT what you wrote.

"from what i'm reading, you broke up with him. cruel. all this while i thought he was evil. "

Maybe that's what you intended but that is not what would be derived from what you wrote.

Sometimes I think about cake. Delicious.

I would derive that you think cake is delicious.


I do not like being told what to do.

Women's Perspective

Your first love is will always be in the back of your mind. No matter how many relationships you have afterwards. There is something about that first love that just can't erase. The memories, the feelings, the experiences, you can't just put behind you. Even when you try to forget, you always remember. I don't know but maybe because it is your first that makes it so special.

davidylan:

its easy for you to start giving advice, you just wait until it happens to you. Rational behaviour will take its leave.

What is it with everybody on this topic!?

I'm giving advice because I care,

I mean just because something is difficult doesn't mean you shouldn't attempt it or impossible or a happy medium cannot be reached.


Just try your best to think about the good and bad, often we only have the good memories, we never remember the arguments which made us want to walk out, or the annoying habits they refused to let go. We only remember the times they were good and this is what will make it more difficult to overcome.

A lot of people give advice that seems impossible it doesn't mean it's not the best advice.

A great example would be when I was told to simple move on, though I had hope of rekindling our relationship. Yes it's easier said than done, but that doesn't excuse anything! The advice will bring what's best for me, it's just difficult to follow or achieve, but every day if I try then it gets better, I may never forget about him and I don't have to, but to be in a state where he starts to affect my future relationship, that no guy will be good enough unless they do things the way he did, treat me the way he did or better. Everybody's different and I may miss out on other guys' other qualities if I focus on comparing the ones my ex had.

topup:

By the time you posted this I had quitted 'the jive' but seriously that has really annoyed me, if anything you started it. Also, just to point out, that is NOT what you wrote.

"from what i'm reading, you broke up with him. cruel. all this while i thought he was evil. "

Maybe that's what you intended but that is not what would be derived from what you wrote.

Sometimes I think about cake. Delicious.

I would derive that you think cake is delicious.


I do not like being told what to do.

that's the problem.   you said insulted you, but all you have done is speculate about what my post meant. you can't point out where i insulted you.

onyinye2:

Women's Perspective

Your first love is will always be in the back of your mind. No matter how many relationships you have afterwards. There is something about that first love that just can't erase. The memories, the feelings, the experiences, you can't just put behind you. Even when you try to forget, you always remember. I don't know but maybe because it is your first that makes it so special.

My problem is that I don't actually know if I was in love with him, I have had other relationships in which I felt I would not get over and I did, in fact completely.

This however I can honestly say was my first serious, physical and emotional relationship. I mean I've done the whole teenage love crush thing, done the LD/ internet thing, but this was the first adult-style relationship, if you get me.

But yes you're right, I've heard from many, you never forget your first love.



One of my guy friends told me that at the time he did not realise he loved her, but now with other girls, he can't forget the time they spent together and her effect on him.

topup:

By the time you posted this I had quitted 'the jive' but seriously that has really annoyed me, if anything you started it. Also, just to point out, that is NOT what you wrote.

"from what i'm reading, you broke up with him. cruel. all this while i thought he was evil. "

Maybe that's what you intended but that is not what would be derived from what you wrote.

Sometimes I think about cake. Delicious.

I would derive that you think cake is delicious.


I do not like being told what to do.

to be technical like you.

i would derive that i think breakups are cruel.

topup:

What is it with everybody on this topic!?

I'm giving advice because I care,

I mean just because something is difficult doesn't mean you shouldn't attempt it or impossible or a happy medium cannot be reached.


Just try your best to think about the good and bad, often we only have the good memories, we never remember the arguments which made us want to walk out, or the annoying habits they refused to let go. We only remember the times they were good and this is what will make it more difficult to overcome.

A lot of people give advice that seems impossible it doesn't mean it's not the best advice.

A great example would be when I was told to simple move on, though I had hope of rekindling our relationship. Yes it's easier said than done, but that doesn't excuse anything! The advice will bring what's best for me, it's just difficult to follow or achieve, but every day if I try then it gets better, I may never forget about him and I don't have to, but to be in a state where he starts to affect my future relationship, that no guy will be good enough unless they do things the way he did, treat me the way he did or better. Everybody's different and I may miss out on other guys' other qualities if I focus on comparing the ones my ex had.

Do you think that by thinking of the bad will make things easier? Think of all the woman who think of the bad when they are in an abusive relationship. And most of them will end up going back.

topup:

My problem is that I don't actually know if I was in love with him, I have had other relationships in which I felt I would not get over and I did,  in fact completely.

This however I can honestly say was my first serious, physical and emotional relationship. I mean I've done the whole teenage love crush thing, done the LD/ internet thing, but this was the first adult-style relationship,  if you get me.

But yes you're right,  I've heard from many, you never forget your first love.



One of my guy friends told me that at the time he did not realise he loved her, but now with other girls, he can't forget the time they spent together and her effect on him.

You never forget such things as that. Your first crush, first kiss, first sexual experience, first break up, and first love. They are always apart of you. That is why they are considered first. But the good thing about them is that you learn from them. You become wiser from them.

onyinye2:

You never forget such things as that. Your first crush, first kiss, first sexual experience, first break up, and first love.

truly questionable.

HCH3COO:

truly questionable.

Educate me then my brotha

onyinye2:

Educate me then my brotha

HCH3COO:

Just what i thought

HCH3COO:

to be technical like you.

i would derive that i think breakups are cruel.

Now you can't even admit it.
The subject of the sentence before is included. So much like I said "You think cake is delicious"
It would also be "breaking up with him is cruel" and not that 'cakes are delicious' or 'breakups are cruel',

The typical person would apply the adjective (cruel or delicious) to the subject of the previous sentence, in my example the subject is the cake, but in yours the subject is him, *please can someone give a second opinion here*

And weren't you claiming that what you wrote was that 'he was cruel'?

onyinye2:

Do you think that by thinking of the bad will make things easier? Think of all the woman who think of the bad when they are in an abusive relationship. And most of them will end up going back.

This situation cannot be compared or similarised to that of an abusive relationship, simply because there is no abuse.

From what it sounds davidylan enjoyed being with his first love, that's why he has fond memories of her and using her as a benchmark, please don't tell me that no matter the experience, the first love will always be something you'll want to use as a benchmark, well maybe if it's to make sure you NEVER make the same mistake, but if you were in an abusive relationship I doubt you'd want anything similar to that again.

YES I THINK that BY thinking of the bad it'll make things easier, when you keep in mind, it is in comparison to thinking that she was an innocent angel.
I am not providing solutions that will 100% completely work, we are talking about making things easier, which is relative, it doesn't mean there isn't still emotion or sadness, you just are able to put things in perspective.

What about the abusive relationship, the example you have used is extremely rare, most women would go back because they place more emphasis on the good memories or due to nothing to do with good thoughts or bad, and more to do with simply they believe they have no other option or home or societial pressures. Women who go back to their abusers often say 'he's not that bad, he buys me anything I want, or he never hits me when the kids are around', does this sound like a person who is considering the cons at all?

topup:

Now you can't even admit it.
The subject of the sentence before is included. So much like I said "You think cake is delicious"
It would also be "You breaking up with him is cruel" and not that 'cakes are delicious' or 'breakups are cruel',

The typical person would apply the adjective (cruel or delicious) to the subject of the previous sentence, in my example the subject is the cake, but in yours the subject is him, *please can someone give a second opinion here*

And weren't you claiming that what you wrote was that 'he was cruel'?

You can't admit when you make a bad assumption.  I am the one being insulted here.  Wrongly accused of being insultive.
The subject of the sentence before is included in my answer, and I used your derivation in my example.  You are bitter that I used a similar examle as yours to nonsensify your claim.  Now I'm even happier I didn't automatically believe you when you said the guy did you dirty.

topup:

Just try your best to think about the good and bad, often we only have the good memories, we never remember the arguments which made us want to walk out, or the annoying habits they refused to let go. We only remember the times they were good and this is what will make it more difficult to overcome.

lol infact i remember the bad times very very well, i remember all the arguments, the one time we broke up and came back again, the stony silence . . . like it all happened yesterday and yet . . .

You'll go thru it sometime, just be careful enough not to lose him like i did mine.

Water under the bridge, its good to reminisce sometimes.

onyinye2:

Just what i thought

Not really. I disasgree with the never. i have forgotten. That cancels your statement.

topup:

This situation cannot be compared or similarised to that of an abusive relationship, simply because there is no abuse.

From what it sounds davidylan enjoyed being with his first love, that's why he has fond memories of her and using her as a benchmark,  please don't tell me that no matter the experience, the first love will always be something you'll want to use as a benchmark,  well maybe if it's to make sure you NEVER make the same mistake, but if you were in an abusive relationship I doubt you'd want anything similar to that again.

Yes you will use that person as a benchmark. Yes for either a lesson to never go back to such a relationship. Or sometimes on how much of a wonderful experience it was.

topup:

YES I THINK that BY thinking of the bad it'll make things easier, when you keep in mind, it is in comparison to thinking that she was an innocent angel.
I am not providing solutions that will 100% completely work, we are talking about making things easier, which is relative,  it doesn't mean there isn't still emotion or sadness, you just are able to put things in perspective.

Well in some way thinking of the bad those makes things a wee bit better. Because you are reminded on why you left the relationship or why it is over. But sometimes i think there are times you got to focus on the good. Like when you first break up with that person. You need to get all that emotion and sadness out. So i suggest to first cry out all the good that you remember. Then when you are done crying and being down, think of the bad in the relationship. All the moments when you couldn't bare the person. By then you have nothing to hold on to and can fully move on.

topup:

What about the abusive relationship,  the example you have used is extremely rare,  most women would go back because they place more emphasis on the good memories or due to nothing to do with good thoughts or bad, and more to do with simply they believe they have no other option or home or societial pressures. Women who go back to their abusers often say 'he's not that bad, he buys me anything I want, or he never hits me when the kids are around',  does this sound like a person who is considering the cons at all?

Yes you are right that those women do focus on the good more than the bad. But alot do focus on the bad but there abuser had destroyed their self esteem and feel that they are worth it for any other man. So they silently suffer.

YES, this question has been agitating my mind for ages now. Really I feel bad when I see what is going on in my dear country - Nigeria; it is so sad that we are richly blessed but so so poor. I think that something has to be done and urgently too. When I see our young men and women, I feel sorry for Nigeria because they grew up thinking that it has always been like this. I know in times past when it is a taboo to display ill gotten wealth, but everything has changed. Our leaders are not helping matters. They are not showing good example. Pen robbers are not punished thereby indicating that crime pays, With the way things are going, is there any future for this country?

eltoro:

YES, this question has been agitating my mind for ages now. Really I feel bad when I see what is going on in my dear country - Nigeria; it is so sad that we are richly blessed but so so poor. I think that something has to be done and urgently too. When I see our young men and women, I feel sorry for Nigeria because they grew up thinking that it has always been like this. I know in times past when it is a taboo to display ill gotten wealth, but everything has changed. Our leaders are not helping matters. They are not showing good example. Pen robbers are not punished thereby indicating that crime pays, With the way things are going, is there any future for this country?

Is Nigeria your ex

eltoro:

YES, this question has been agitating my mind for ages now. Really I feel bad when I see what is going on in my dear country - Nigeria; it is so sad that we are richly blessed but so so poor. I think that something has to be done and urgently too. When I see our young men and women, I feel sorry for Nigeria because they grew up thinking that it has always been like this. I know in times past when it is a taboo to display ill gotten wealth, but everything has changed. Our leaders are not helping matters. They are not showing good example. Pen robbers are not punished thereby indicating that crime pays, With the way things are going, is there any future for this country?

bros na wa o.

Pls wake up, its too early to be drinking.

HCH3COO:

You can't admit when you make a bad assumption. I am the one being insulted here. Wrongly accused of being insultive.
The subject of the sentence before is included in my answer, and I used your derivation in my example. You are bitter that I used a similar analogy to nonsensify your claim.

Why does everything have to become SO childish. Until proven no one can say I made a bad assumption, we still need to get a third opinion, neither am I bitter. It is not about how you choose to read it, it is about how it is written. Don't worry I will get that opinion,

Here it is:

the link! http://www.golivewire.com/forums/peer-yatanys-support-a.html

and the replies:

Quote: from Yummie Strawberries at 4:02 am on Aug. 6, 2008

Apparently you broke up with him. That is cruel. All this time I thought he was the evil one.

Quote: from shutter bugs at 4:03 am on Aug. 6, 2008

they thought he was a bad person for breaking up with you and hurting you but you where the bad one

Quote: from chaosdisown at 4:04 am on Aug. 6, 2008

"so let me understand, you broke up with him? that was a cruel thing to do. While i thought that he would break up with you, because he would seem like the guy who would." thats what i got out of it

Now what do you think?

I believe that the problem is as soon as you figured out that I was having issues with getting over my ex, you have tried your darned best to find some box to categorize and sort me into. Whether it be the obssessive, the possessive or the brokenhearted female. I don't believe you have given me a fair chance, or even considered what I've been saying without bias or preconceived idea and that's a shame. Practically everything I've said on this board has been 'truly questionable' though reading it literally it may seem like a 'blatant point' but we both know it's a 'taking the piss' type of comment even oyinye2 thought so (hate to bring people into this) when she said you should 'stop it' and 'be a little sympathetic',


I think it started when you posted this:

"HAHAHAH You will never get over that guy. If he came back tomorrow you would jump on his back.

Hmm! No wonder some guys are scared/skeptical of boning virgins.


Quote from: topup on Today at 01:44:49 AM
As if! You don't even know me. Now why would you be afraid? I'm only letting off some steam, I wasn't even hating, just being honest, you guys are making it seem like it's unnatural,

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. And I'm glad your steam is limited to the internet. Could be worse."

Comments tinged with smart remarks and sarcasm, did I deserve them for the opinions I initially expressed in my OP, I don't think so.

I am finally laughing, kudos to HCH3COO and Davidylan,

topup:


Why does everything have to become SO childish. Until proven no one can say I made a bad assumption, we still need to get a third opinion, neither am I bitter. It is not about how you choose to read it, it is about how it is written. Don't worry I will get that opinion,

Here it is:

the link! http://www.golivewire.com/forums/peer-yatanys-support-a.html

and the replies:

Quote: from Yummie Strawberries at 4:02 am on Aug. 6, 2008

Apparently you broke up with him. That is cruel. All this time I thought he was the evil one.

Quote: from shutter bugs at 4:03 am on Aug. 6, 2008

they thought he was a bad person for breaking up with you and hurting you but you where the bad one

Quote: from chaosdisown at 4:04 am on Aug. 6, 2008

"so let me understand, you broke up with him? that was a cruel thing to do. While i thought that he would break up with you, because he would seem like the guy who would." thats what i got out of it

Now what do you think?

I believe that the problem is as soon as you figured out that I was having issues with getting over my ex, you have tried your darned best to find some box to categorize and sort me into. Whether it be the obssessive, the possessive or the brokenhearted female. I don't believe you have given me a fair chance, or even considered what I've been saying without bias or preconceived idea and that's a shame. Practically everything I've said on this board has been 'truly questionable' though reading it literally it may seem like a 'blatant point' but we both know it's a 'taking the piss' type of comment even oyinye2 thought so (hate to bring people into this) when she said you should 'stop it' and 'be a little sympathetic',


I think it started when you posted this:

"HAHAHAH You will never get over that guy. If he came back tomorrow you would jump on his back.

Hmm! No wonder some guys are scared/skeptical of boning virgins.


Quote from: topup on Today at 01:44:49 AM
As if! You don't even know me. Now why would you be afraid? I'm only letting off some steam, I wasn't even hating, just being honest, you guys are making it seem like it's unnatural,

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. And I'm glad your steam is limited to the internet. Could be worse."

Comments tinged with smart remarks and sarcasm, did I deserve them for the opinions I initially expressed in my OP, I don't think so.

Look at you wasting your time with a 10 page research.  The most glaring sentence I saw from your post has been highlighted in bold.  My response to that is, people often get in trouble when they think they fully understand what they read  It happens to atheists who try to misinterprete the bible, they get confused most of the time. What happened to you is you ended up forming the wrong conclusion from my post. 

topup:


Why does everything have to become SO childish. Until proven no one can say I made a bad assumption, we still need to get a third opinion, neither am I bitter. It is not about how you choose to read it, it is about how it is written. Don't worry I will get that opinion,

Here it is:

the link! http://www.golivewire.com/forums/peer-yatanys-support-a.html

and the replies:

Quote: from Yummie Strawberries at 4:02 am on Aug. 6, 2008

Apparently you broke up with him. That is cruel. All this time I thought he was the evil one.

Quote: from shutter bugs at 4:03 am on Aug. 6, 2008

they thought he was a bad person for breaking up with you and hurting you but you where the bad one

Quote: from chaosdisown at 4:04 am on Aug. 6, 2008

"so let me understand, you broke up with him? that was a cruel thing to do. While i thought that he would break up with you, because he would seem like the guy who would." thats what i got out of it

Now what do you think?

I believe that the problem is as soon as you figured out that I was having issues with getting over my ex, you have tried your darned best to find some box to categorize and sort me into. Whether it be the obssessive, the possessive or the brokenhearted female. I don't believe you have given me a fair chance, or even considered what I've been saying without bias or preconceived idea and that's a shame. Practically everything I've said on this board has been 'truly questionable' though reading it literally it may seem like a 'blatant point' but we both know it's a 'taking the piss' type of comment even oyinye2 thought so (hate to bring people into this) when she said you should 'stop it' and 'be a little sympathetic',


I think it started when you posted this:

"HAHAHAH You will never get over that guy. If he came back tomorrow you would jump on his back.

Hmm! No wonder some guys are scared/skeptical of boning virgins.


Quote from: topup on Today at 01:44:49 AM
As if! You don't even know me. Now why would you be afraid? I'm only letting off some steam, I wasn't even hating, just being honest, you guys are making it seem like it's unnatural,

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. And I'm glad your steam is limited to the internet. Could be worse."

Comments tinged with smart remarks and sarcasm, did I deserve them for the opinions I initially expressed in my OP, I don't think so.

don't bring my other posts into the one we are currently battling. we can talk about those later.

topup:

I am finally laughing, kudos to HCH3COO and Davidylan,

u welcome.

davidylan:

lol infact i remember the bad times very very well, i remember all the arguments, the one time we broke up and came back again, the stony silence . . . like it all happened yesterday and yet . . .

You'll go through it sometime, just be careful enough not to lose him like i did mine.

Water under the bridge, its good to reminisce sometimes.

But dave (if I may call you dave), how do you know if you're losing something good? How do you really know, because I'm unsure and I believe most of his qualities I either fabricated myself or I over exaggerated. Am I not supposed to feel this way looong after I've broken up with him and not when I'm still going through the emotions? Am I not supposed to be desperate to get back with him and then afterwards (when it doesn't work out) realise he never really was the one? I think only other relationships and time will tell. One thing I fear I might never find again is the connection we had, enough for me to feel safe when I was with him and to open up about the haunts in my past. The connection, I may never have with anybody again, but like I said only time will tell, I'm not even sure if he was my first love anyways


@ HCH3COO , wouldn't the world be a better place if we could all personally interpret our sentences instead of writing what we mean. "No no no, dear principal, you've got it all wrong, I didn't write that you were a b******, I wrote that a man like yourself was a b******" "sir it all depends on how you read it and you i'm afraid read it wrong" - Now what I meant by how it is written is there are certain rules one must follow in english grammar, in order to make things make sense, certain words will have priorities when placed in certain ways. You can ask me, I am currently learning Japanese and the simple placement of a word moved infront and behind a words can conjure two different meanings. Now if you write something, and the laws of grammar and punctuation require you to read it in a certain way, are the few samples chosen from the topic I made not relevant enough. If you wish I can copy your explanation and post it beside your words, so people no longer read it the way it was written but instead 'the way you intended it to be received'. Never will you admit that you are wrong in this case, my english teacher would surely back me up, several times have I had exams and one sentence, 5 possible meanings, but only one is the correct answer, the meaning that 99.9% of the educated people would 'assume' the sentence to mean/read. Don't blame me if you didn't word it correctly, please, that is not my problem.

For your information it took me a mere 3 minutes to add the 'second opinions' to the 'essay' which I had already written. I am very fast at typing and using the broadband internet I assure you.

Christians also 'misinterpret the Bible' , hence why we have different denominations of the faith but when we look at it, apart from the use of different adjectives and hebrew/latin or traditional words (whose true meanings become lost in translation) the simple english sentences 'Do not commit adultery' can be read without any doubt. Must every sentence require an explanation, can we not simply ensure we write what we mean?



Sometimes I dream about having a baby. Amazing. But the cake was lovely

HCH3COO:

don't bring my other posts into the one we are currently battling. we can talk about those later.

u welcome.

You have a habit of giving me orders and telling me what to do.

In fact since I have no problem with explaining myself. The explanation is I was writing in response to how we began this battle and then the idea came to me to use my other account on a non-nairaland forum to ask the general public what their opinions were on the words you wrote.

Keep up,

To be honest, you'r right. i just love semantics.

topup:

But dave (if I may call you dave), how do you know if you're losing something good? How do you really know, because I'm unsure and I believe most of his qualities I either fabricated myself or I over exaggerated. Am I not supposed to feel this way looong after I've broken up with him and not when I'm still going through the emotions? Am I not supposed to be desperate to get back with him and then afterwards (when it doesn't work out) realise he never really was the one? I think only other relationships and time will tell. One thing I fear I might never find again is the connection we had, enough for me to feel safe when I was with him and to open up about the haunts in my past. The connection, I may never have with anybody again, but like I said only time will tell, I'm not even sure if he was my first love anyways

Call me whatever suits you.  

you cant always know if you have something good but here's my test . . . if the good far outweigh the bad, if you find yourself loving him/her stronger despite their flaws, if you find yourself genuinely concerned about that person's wellbeing, if that person just makes you light up both in their presence and absence then hold it like its your life.  

HCH3COO:

To be honest, you'r right. i just love semantics.

Please can you explain to me what semantics are??