Dia Broda Baraks,

Congrats on your assumption to the throne of US. We your Nigerian famili are very happy for you and for ourselves. It is our turn now to chop US national cake and our enemies cannot do anything about that.

I was to come to see you personally at Wite aus but I was not allowed at the airport because of say no fisa. I told them I am Obama kosin bet they refuse me. Your new elesion is a very good news for the Obama clan in Kenya and the famili in Nigeria . When I fest went to the family aus in Kenya to tell dem we are one famili they did not agree but my pastor from my church make 3 days dry fast and give me a special sponge to baf in barbitch after this they accept me. Becos they don't remember the sister of your granfada mother dat went to Nigeria and mari a shief live near Lagos in 1956 which is also my own personal great grandfada.

Now the famili has choose me to diskus some important matas with you. You know you have been long in Amrica and have forget our traditions but tank God we, your famili are hia to guide you to be rill African man. As a president, you must have a male son in office who will take over after you die and since ya wife Mitchell has not able to do that, we have find a wife for you from your fada village. The famili have already chose a good girl from de village not like Amrica or lagos gals who are too stubborn to obey the famili. She is a humble well behave and edicated gal who study sewing and fasion disine so she can help with sewing your suit wen e tia and also unifom for ami and soja. I hope ya waif will assept famili shoice becos we have fogif her for her winchcraft wich dont allow her to have a male son but if not, she can go back to her fada. Even my pastor has say your younger thoter may need a deliverance becos her granmoda want to give her winsh and ogbanje spirit to chop. Please don't wori about what dis will cost becos I will do it with my own pusonal moni becos we are one famili.

I also want to tell you that I want to set up NGO for hades unfans in Kenya and I can be the leader of the NGO. I have a good standard six degree and also studied computa at Iyana Ipaja so am well qualify for dis. Please I need your help for this.

I hope you will consider my request. I will also like your personal mobile so I can call you. Please greet Auntie Minchel and the shindren for us. God bless you and may all your enemies fall down and die, in Jesus' name!

Til I hear you, I am

Yours cousin,

Festus Obama

lol

LOL

But Gamine of all names, why Festus? Why not some Kenyan tribal name? Therez this man I know,his name is Festus. Couldn't help picturing him as the letter-writer after I saw the name. . .

I saw him a few mins ago and I just burst out laughing. . .baba God nor be my fault o

@poster
you are revealing yourself and where you come from very well, the real you is slowly coming out, festus sister.

Yeah yah, mr man, iv noticed you, happy now?

@Cristalz, rotflmao! Eya Fextus

Rotflmgoasutignap.     

This was a good read. brother Festus indeed. It does read like a brother Festus kinda writeup.

Thanks to you gamine, i've made a mental note not to name any of my kids Festus. 

@gamine

Didn't expect lesser from you though you've been a little out of the loop lately regarding some issues.

Thanks for the write up though. Really made me laff.

This is really funny!!!!!

Please don't hesistate to send this letter through our own NIPOST. I tell you, e go reach.

Lol. @Mistiky, out of the loop? Lol, someone has to be on the other side sometimes ;-)

@ gamine

Makes you a sitting duck and an easy target for very unneccessary and neccessary bullets.

Smart choice will be just adopting the "fifth" when general concensus contradicts ur opinion but i guess "smart choice" doesn't cut it for you on "those" issues.

Anywayz, dont forget to publish Sister Filomina's letter to Michelle oooooooooooo.     

Some of us need to know what our sister said on our behalf to the first lady elect of yankee.

Don't keep us waiting too long oooooo.

It took me searching up and down the entire NL universe to fish out this thread

Where is our akata thread naa

ha ha funny shit

@Mistiky,

I love to provide the avenue for people to vent

to make use of the very colourful verbs, nouns and adjectives

they learnt in their respectives schools

on the other hand, Being a Sitting duck may not be so bad if in say, a Vernon!

Thanks for looking out for me tho , as fragile as i am!


HERES FILO's Letter




My dia booda Baraki:

This is Amebo, your sista from Abule Ijesha. I am trusting dat I meet you well. Mitcheli nko and my dotas? I know dat you are all fine.I wish to hatili congratulate you on di okasion of you wining di presidency. We are so happy dat God answered our prayer. We were washing CNN, ehen, everitime dat Woof Bliza will annouce dat you've have won sumtin like dis, me and Mama Onilegogoro, will jus say seven hallelu to thank da Lord! I bring you Calvary greetings from di famili in Nigeria.

We are all fine. Koda, how can we not be fine? Come and see all di big big men, dem, dem dat have been coming to see us. I said, emi ke, Amebo. Ha, booda Baraki, ni she l'ori mi wu (my head is swelling). Money ni o, Goat o, tunkee o, guinea fowl o, dey've been bringing it to greet us about dis presidency matta. In fact, shief Ologbenla came and gave me his rezoomay dat he wants to be on your secretary list. I looked at him and shake my head, a whole shief, shief wants to come and do seke for america? O ga o! Anyway, he gave me $500 dat we should use it to do saara for di neighbors. We gave di contract to Abebi Olobeloloko and di saara was very good. Even Iya Gbekeyide who neva used to greet me because Ibori is her booda too came di oda day. She brought a big ajase pot of ofada rice, eleganza cooler of ofada stew, and one agbari ojukwu full of fried meat to hentatain the guests. Di fried meat still remi unda my bed. Koda, I just use it to drink gaari Ijebu on di varanda dis evening when NEPA went.

So, booda, di mata I want to discuss wit you is a serious mata o. Ehen, eti yin m'elo (listen carefully). It is that our booda, Festus. I learnt dat he has written to you. Booda, festus is not di same Festus you knew o. Festus ti ya garawa o (he has turned to sometin else). Can you believe dat Festus did not even tell us dat he was writing you? It was one anfani adugbo gal dat he has been carrying about dat came to my shopu di oda day dat was telling Augustina, dat apprentice wey dey make eye to Booda Friday. Koda, I just use my ear to hook di gist.

Booda, don't let Festus put sand sand in our gari o. First, don't respond to di leta he sent you o. He has one medicine man in wataside. Dat man has told him to bring anytin wit your writing. It is dat writing dat they will use to make point of contact. Afta they contact you in the spiri like dat, only serious praya can save you o. In fact, fall down and die will not take care of dis one witout fasting. So, don't respond.

You know our people say na bastad pickeen dey spoil family. Dat is di same with Festus. You know Booda Inocent did not accept his mama belle? Who is Festus when Booda Ino was alive? It is afta Booda Ino died dat Festus mama bring am come famili house for Idumagbo. Den, Papa say e resembu Booda Ino so make dem collect am from im mama. Even as small pickin, we don see say Festus is not a family member. But you know once papa talk like dis, dat is it. Afrall, I am a woman, who born me when Booda Eman, Booda Sunday, Booda Ezekel, and Booda Caleb did not talk anytin, is it me?

Booda, dey say Festus want to find wife for you? Booda, dat wan na di beginning of oriburuku (crace) o! All dis girls wit tontinrin sokoto dat Festus is carrying waka dugbo, Booda, you know you carry palm oil now o, make Festus no poor sand for your hand! Booda, it is true, you must born boy pickin. No man wey dey our famili wey no born boy pickin. Abi dat Mitchel don wash your head? Abi she tamba cook soup for you? Booda no vex o, because I know say you go say na love do you. Bet Booda, how you no go born boy pickin? But, no be Festus supoz arrange dat kain tin where me and Sisi Mumee dey.

We don fin' one fine gal for you. She dey very correct, He, he! Booda we sef know wetin man dey fin' for wife. And, as I look am wit my eye, I see say boy child dey her body. E get as woman wey dey get boy for body dey look. When I look dat ya Mitchel, I know say she no get boy for body. What you expect? Person wey no gree born pickin afta you don mari am put for house for eight years! Which kain woman be dat? So, Booda, I know say na because you dey Amerika but now na you be di president so, make we arrange dis gal to come meet you.

Her name be Beatrice. We dey call her Bia. She get school leaving certificate and she fit blow oyinbo well, well. Come from good family. Na her papa be di gateman for dat company wey Koorah just build for Mile 2. Her mama don die and na she be di first girl so her head correct well. She fit cook, she fit clean house. And you go find her intact. No be all dis kain wayo Lagos girls.

Booda, na di tin wey ah say make ah write you be dat o. Booda tink what I say about Festus well, well o. No make dem dey remote ya head from wataside o. I will send dis one leta now because Boy-Boy, my last son don come go type am for cybercafe send to you. You know dis children of nowadays, he just talk say make ah do quick dat he is going. So, I will write more tomorrow.

Booda, greet Mitchell and my dotas o and everyone dat loves di Lord. Make you keep yourself well o. We dey here dey pray for you everyday. No shaking. Don't forget as you get up from ya bed every morning, you must recite Psalm 23. I will write again.

I am yours sincerely,

Your sista, Filomena Long-John nee Obama


Got the first one from my brother, this one from NVS

Rotflmgochbcbtrdnengjactal.


This is absolutely hilarious. Gosh, my jaws ache from over laffta.

@Gamine:
Where in God's divine planet do you weave all these conspiracy theories from.
I wouldn't want to be trapped inside that labyrinth u have for a mind.
Haba, han han, this is really creative writing if i ever read one.
I have to confess though, after reading Bro Festus' letter, i doubted the fact that you could top that. Amazingly you pulled it off and in such style.
Notin do u jare.
_{Maybe, just maybe, i'll sit with you in your Vernon albeit for a little while. When the bullets start flying though, i'll be flying with them but in the other direction.}

The progression of the letter is very interesting too.

I noticed sister Filo strived to maintain a manageable level of english at the beginning of the letter where she was still doing the necessary complimentaries but when it got to the koko of the matter, our sister switched of full fledged pidgin. English no fit convey the message wey she wan pass accross properly at that level. After that, i noticed she went back to her passable english.
All in all, our sister tried ooo. I give her more marks than bro Festus.

What i'm wondering now is how this saga will unfold, cuz thats what this is leading to, A SAGA.

What will Bro Festus do when he finds out about Sis. Filo's letter to our broda baraks and what she had to say about him?
Undoubtedly, our "anfani adugbo girl" will surely do her ofofo and inform bro. Festus about the letter. I'm pretty sure sis Filo's son must have disclosed the contents of the letter to her as i've heard he has an eye for her.

What will be the contents of Sis. Filo's subsequent letter to bro Baraks. What new development does she have to communicate to him?

The most intriguing question is, who will our bro Baraks reply to first, Bro festus or Sis Filo and how will he respond to them??


Questions, questions, questions.

Gamine, come and anwser them ooooo, seeing as you are the first person privy to these info as you work in the cyber cafe.

Don't let us wait too long oooo.

Mistiky!

I did not write them myself

So answering your questions will require intense study,

and Err, im not up for it now.

I would rather go sit comfortably in the Vernon

you are allowed to run! no one will see you!

@gaminechic and gamine

Thumbs Up for your creativity.

Please let us have the sequel soon as Festus and Filo are on the verge of holding to Broda Barraki.

Maybe a letter from Beatie will let us know what the future first Lady thinks

Keep the post going. Good one.

Lol. I will try to come up with something original

Interview with Pataki here

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-191518.704.html

This gey

Spamming everywhere