Sex is fun, feels good, and is a great way to be physically and emotionally close to your partner. But without an orgasm, it can be a less satisfying experience for both people involved. There could be physical or emotional reasons why you're not experiencing a sexual climax.
When it comes to sex, Alman says you've got to talk about it with your partner. Whether you want to achieve multiple orgasms or just feel uninhibited in the bedroom, you've got to be open about your wants and needs. "There's just no way to get from here to there without talking about it," Alman explains.

While it's very normal to be embarrassed to talk about these intimate issues or be afraid of your partner's reaction, you have to open up. If you can’t relax because of some unresolved problem between you — even if it’s because the house is a mess and that bothers you, you must address it if you want to have a satisfying sexual experience.

Talk about what you want, what you like, and what you need because if orgasm difficulties are affecting you, they're also affecting your partner. Talking about sex and intimacy will only bring you closer together, and help ignite the fireworks you’re looking for in the bedroom.
Problems That Keep People From Having Orgasms

The variety of problems related to a lack of orgasm include:

Not having an orgasm at all
Having a delayed orgasm — taking a long time or needing a lot of stimulation to achieve orgasm
Not having a satisfactory orgasm
Delayed ejaculation
Ejaculation without orgasm
Some potential causes of these problems in women and men are:
A problem in the relationship
Boredom in the bedroom
An emotional or physical trauma, like rape or abuse
Health conditions that affect nerves or hormone levels
Being shy or embarrassed about sex
Lack of education about orgasms, sex, and what stimulation works best for you
Side effects of certain medications, including some antidepressants
Fear can keep both sexes from experiencing orgasm, says marriage and family therapist Isadora Alman, MFT, a board-certified sexologist and psychotherapist in private practice in Alameda, Calif. "Being afraid of letting go, afraid of going crazy — fear, in other words," says Alman.
Another explanation: "Physiologically, it may just be that they're not getting the right stimulation," says Alman. If either a man or a woman is used to achieving an orgasm with his or her own hand, someone else's touch and body part might seem strange, she explains.

Brace yourselves ladies, there’s a whole lot to know about the clitoris that they didn’t teach us in health class. While you’ve probably heard the many unfortunate nicknames for this body part (including “the bean”— who came up with that?), and you definitely know a thing or two about the ahem, functions, of the clitoris, you might not know that it actually gets erect, for example.
Yep, “lady boners” (another very unfortunate nickname, sorry) are real.

To help you become a bit more “cliterate,” here are 10 facts about this amazing part of your anatomy.

Clitoris is a dot-shaped nub located in the vulva above the vagina and labia minora, but below the labia majora and covered by a small hood of skin for protection against over-stimulation. The clitoris is extremely sensitive and is the primary means for a woman to achieve sexual pleasure (although vaginal orgasms are also possible for some women). When the human female is sexually aroused the clitoris fills with blood and the many condensed nerve endings become even more sensitive, whereby enough stimulation of the clitoris can result in a female orgasm, which releases the pressure by means of .08 second apart contractions throughout the vulva.
It’s truly unique
When it comes to climaxing, “the clitoris is really, really crucial,” says Jim Pfaus, PhD, professor and sex researcher at Concordia University in Montreal. But that’s not the only thing that makes it special: the clitoris is actually the only organ in the body with the sole function of providing pleasure.
It’s long been a mystery
Until 1998 most textbooks only illustrated the external glans. That’s when Helen O’Connell, an Australian urologist, revealed through a series of MRI studies that the clitoris is actually a complex, powerful organ system composed of a total of eighteen parts, two thirds of which are interior.
It’s much more than meets the eye
“When people talk about the clitoris, they’re usually just talking about the glans—the very sensitive outside part,” says Rebecca Chalker, PhD, Professor of Sexology at Pace University and author of The Clitoral Truth ($12, amazon.com). But the bump you can see on the vulva is only the tip of an iceberg.


The internal part is connected to the glans by the corpora cavernosa, two spongey areas of erectile tissue. Farther down, the corpora cavernosa branches off into a pair of wings known as the crura which extend into the body and around the vaginal canal like a wishbone. Then, underneath the crura are the clitoral vestibules, or vestibular bulbs. Like much of the clitoris, these sac-like structures of tissue become engorged with blood when you get aroused.

It’s got a lot of nerve
The clitoris is the most nerve-rich part of the vulva, says Debra Herbenick, PhD, a sexual health educator from The Kinsey Institute. The glans contains about 8,000 nerve endings, making it the powerhouse of pleasure. To get some perspective, that’s twice as many nerve endings as the penis. And its potential doesn’t end there. This tiny erogenous zone spreads the feeling to 15,000 other nerves in the pelvis, which explains why it feels like your whole body is being taken over by your O-M-G moment.

Every woman’s is different
Women are all unique, so why would clitorises be any different? Every woman needs a different kind of stimulation to feel satisfied, depending on her unique biology. “Just because it’s sensitive doesn’t mean everyone wants it to be stimulated directly,” Herbenick says. “Some women prefer touching near the clitoris but not on it.” Pfaus agrees: “If she’s too sensitive with direct stimulation, more of that may make her want to kill you.”

It’s the real center of gravity
We’ve all heard about the infamous center of gravity: Does it exist? Do all women have one? Yes and yes. That’s because the center of gravity is actually the clitoris. This notorious pleasure zone became sensationalized back in the 80s which, as Chalker explains, “created this idea that if you could only access the center of gravity inside the vagina, it would promote female orgasm.” But we’ve since learned that some women may feel more sensation via the internal shafts of the clitoral complex (hence why some women might like vaginal penetration more than others), while others prefer external touch. One way is not better than another way, Pfaus adds; it’s really about exploring the possibilities to find out what you like best.
It’s very similar to the penis…

“The clitoris and the penis are somewhat mirror images of each other, just organized differently,” Chalker explains. “In fact, up until two weeks of pregnancy, all embryos appear to be female.” It’s not until week eight of gestation that testosterone kicks in and the penis starts to form. “None of these parts disappear, they just get rearranged,” Chalker says. For example the internal part of the clitoris, also made of erectile tissue, becomes the frame of the penis. With this concept in mind, Chalker points out: “If you consider the clitoris only consisting of the glans, then that’s like saying the only part of a penis is the tip.”

…It even gets erect
“When we talk about erection, we can’t just talk about the penis,” Pfaus says. “We have to talk about the clitoris.” Sure, it might be less noticeable for women, but it can definitely be observed and felt. This occurs when the vestibular bulbs become engorged with blood during arousal. The blood is then trapped here until released via orgasmic spasms.

Size doesn’t matter
Like men, women can get self-conscious about their sexy parts. But guess what? Just like joysticks, clits come in all shapes and sizes. And size doesn’t matter for either, Chalker explains. Think of it this way: since the brain is your main sex organ, the genitals are simply the receptors of pleasure. “It has to do with visual, tactile, and oral stimulation,” Chalker says, “rather that the actual size of the clit. So while glans may vary from woman to woman, this shouldn’t affect the pleasure-potential.” Also worth noting: chances are size doesn’t (or, at least, shouldn’t) matter to your partner.

It can grow with age
Although the size of your clitoris doesn’t impact your sex life, don’t be surprised if it changes dimensions over your lifetime. According to Chalker, due to a change in hormone levels after menopause, the clit may enlarge for many women. So if you notice some differences in the size of your lady parts over time, don’t be alarmed.

We know that virtually any woman can climax – and indeed have multiple climaxes – if the circumstances of her life are right. And these circumstances usually include having a caring, understanding partner who's knowledgeable about sex and who uses that knowledge to help her relax and to reach orgasm.

The first step in fulfilment with a partner is to communicate your feelings to him or her and also to communicate how you like your body to be touched.
When you can't find the words, use caresses. But also try to build up a vocabulary with your partner that's easy to use. A lot of couples find their sex lives fail simply because they don't have the right language. And saying: 'Could you rub my ...er ...er?' isn't specific enough to be helpful.

About 10% of women have never had an orgasm -- either with a partner or during masturbation. And quite a few of them have found their way into my therapy practice. That's when I tell these women the good news: It is possible to learn to be orgasmic.
The first and most important lesson is to practice developing a balance of tension and relaxation during sexual activity. But, my women clients ask, how can they be both tense and relaxed at the same time? It's a good question, and here is my two-part answer:

How to Have an Orgasm Step 1: Tense Up
The type of tension that helps women reach orgasm is muscle tension (myotonia). Many women have the mistaken impression that they should relax and "just lie there" because they've heard that relaxation during sex is important. But it turns out that muscle tension is often necessary for an orgasm. In my experience, the majority of women learn to have their first orgasm by incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal, and buttock tension.

Not surprisingly, women report that the most orgasm-inducing muscle contractions are in their lower pelvis. These are the same muscles you squeeze to stop the flow of urine midstream (a conscious contraction of this group is called a Kegel exercise).

What is the connection between tensing muscle groups and having an orgasm? Arousal. Contracting (or tensing) certain muscles increases blood flow throughout the body and often to the genital area. And arousal, of course, is the road map that helps lead most women to orgasm.

How to Have an Orgasm Step 2: Wind Down
So, where's the relaxation part of this equation? In the brain. During sex, a woman should be focused simply on feeling the sensations of the stimulation.

Have a hard time relaxing? Think of a Times Square billboard in which words stream into view from the left-hand side to the right edge, and then disappear off the screen. During sex, many women find it helpful to program their own Times Square news crawl with a repetitive mantra such as "I can take as long as I want" or "This really feels great" on their mental silent radio. It keeps the brain occupied -- but with a thought that will encourage sexual arousal rather than with a nervous, negative thought that might decrease arousal.

After this first lesson, I send my clients away with a homework assignment. During sex, they are to tense up their muscles and let their minds go silent. This technique takes practice, but it can work over time. And more often than not, my clients return to a future session with their own good news to report.

How much did you kiss each other on the mouth, forehead or hand? Hug or spoon with your partner? Run your hands up and down one another’s back or chest? Kiss the length of your partner’s arms or legs? Did you lay your head on your partner’s chest? Did your partner run his or her fingers through your hair? (Was it welcome? Loving? Did it make you cringe some of the time?

A woman doesn’t have orgasmic “dysfunction” just because she doesn’t easily have orgasms. If a hypothetical woman and her partner only have intercourse for 30 seconds, without any other sexual touching, kissing or buildup — and with no focus on stimulating her in ways that are likely to lead to orgasm (such as focusing stimulation on the front wall of the vagina or the glans clitoris) — then our hypothetical woman is unlikely to experience orgasm. That doesn’t mean she’s dysfunctional; it just means they’re not doing much to ease orgasm. Likewise, if you’re hungry after a lunch that consists of only three bites of yogurt, there’s nothing dysfunctional about your body. Most people would find that eating only three spoonfuls of yogurt isn’t sufficient to quell hunger pangs. And most women will find that 30 seconds of intercourse with no other touching or stimulation isn’t sufficient to trigger orgasm