Black American Meeting Boyfriend's Mother: What is the proper greeting?

Hi Guys,

I'm new to nairaland, but I wanted to pose a question.

My "boyfriend" is going to Nigeria this Christmas to visit his family. I'm supposed to meet him over there few weeks during the Christmas break (assuming I get a visa and the money for the ticket). I'm a little nervous because I've never spoken to his mother on the phone and he never really goes out of his way to acquaint me with his family. Until recently, I wasn't even sure she knew about me. After asking him about this, he said that she knew he told her about me and that I was African-American.

Anyway, upon meeting her, what is the proper greeting? Do I courtsey? Is it disrespectul to simply smile and/or shake hands? Overstepping boundaries if I hug her? Is it rude to call her Mrs. (last name)? I know there are cultural differences and I don't want anyone to think I'm being disrespectful. Or perhaps I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is. I have met his auntie that is here and his uncle, but afterall, does it even mean anything anyway that he's invited me to Nigeria with him? Can't you invite anyone with you home?

see, when you go to a Nigerian's house in Nigeria, you don't shake to greet. only men do that. for women, you kind of go on your knees to greet like what you do when you are about to say your bedtime prayer.
when you're on your knees, she'll start to say somethings and when she's done, you can get up and maybe give her a hug if she doesn't look evil.
also, if you want her to like you (you want to give her that first impression of you) when she's about to do some things (house-keeping in general) don't let her do it. offer to do it instead  and she'll tell her son never to let you go.

be EXTRA nice to his family expecially his mom because i heard in-laws are tough.
act really HUMBLE too. like you're no better than them even if you empathize with their state.

it's okay to call her Mrs :last name: but she'll like it more if you called her "mummy". (that's what my mom calls my grandma from my dad's side)

girl just be your self, don't do any thing you don't want to do. as Far's as you are a nice person you will be just fine.

@blackbeauty, consider WesleyanA's post; it's full wisdom. Even though her system is mainly applicable to the Yoruba people, I still think every in-law (Yoruba, Hausa, and Ibo nevertheless) demands and deserves respect. We Nigerian men do listen to our family, especially our biological parents. Once they reject you, that's it! Take it from a full blooded Nigerian-Yoruba man, who is highly cultured as well. OK? Good luck on your trip.

i wouldnt advice you to go on your knees, simply because you want to impress, All you gat to do is show courtesy and be nice in your comments, I understand your fears due to culture shock but chill , take things easy. That is nothing to fuss about

Nigerian parents can be very petty, so if your boyfriend is worth the effort then follow WesleyanA's advice. When you are around them, do what you can to impress them and when you are away, be yourself. Better safe than sorry.

I agree with Nike, if you go on your knees, you would look like some kind of freak!lol, so I also advise you not to go on your knees, just be nice n all, these people don't rele pay much attention to respect, so there would not be any problems.Some of them even call their parents by their first names and all that.

I would prefer it if you try to be yourself more.
I don't know about other tribes, if your guy is igbo, just call his
mother, mama or mummy with some sweet voice.
Try to do some house chores and always try to keep her company
in the kitchen.
You can win her heart more if you like being with her and let her tell
you some stories about their culture ( no matter how bad or boring her presence is)
Lastly, put everything in God's hand.
Wish you luck.

of couse you should try to be yourself but looking as the culture difference is great,  you really have to adjust somethings to fit the way they do it there if you don't wan't them to assume you're rude or something
for example: here you can call your sister/ brother in-laws by their first names
there (in Nigeria), if you decide you're going to be yourself and do that over there, they might assume you're being disrespectful or conceited not knowing it wasn't your fault.

ask your boyfriend questions. he should know better to tell you how they do it.

goodluck!

I would prefer it if you try to be yourself more.
I don't know about other tribes, if your guy is igbo, just call his
mother, mama or mummy with some sweet voice.

OK, I knew that to be the truth, Igbo people don't care about kneeling down, prostrating, and stuff like that. So, I'm sorry to have included you people in the "respect-craving" tribes.

i[b] wouldnt advice you to go on your knees, simply because you want to impress, All you got to do is show courtesy and be nice in your comments, I understand your fears due to culture shock but chill , take things easy. That is nothing to fuss about[/b]

Why can't we keep it real and be frank with this foreigner and tell her the truth about who we truly are instead of trying to be "hip" and all that? Even people with Yoruba first names are trying to confuse this lady in their attempts to look or act "Western."

I agree with Nike, if you go on your knees, you would look like some kind of freak!, so I also advise you not to go on your knees, just be nice n all, these people don't rele pay much attention to respect, so there would not be any problems.Some of them even call their parents by their first names and all that.

That's not true! She's not going to look like some whatever you're trying to come up with. I don't know about your own folks, Yoruba people do "pay much attention to respect," and no Yoruba children would dare "call their parents by their first names and all that." Maybe Ibo people do that but, I am sorry, we don't behave that way. We accord our parents with utmost respect by kneeling (girls) and prostrating (boys) to them. And this has nothing to do with education --it's a matter of culture-- no matter how many degrees, Ph.D or whatever, Yoruba people still maintain their culture. It's so obvious in the ways we have preserved our culture: language, foods, mode of dressing, and other ways of life. In Yorubaland, any child that disrespects his parents (abuses or calls them by their first names) will be cursed and banished for life! If her boyfriend's folks are Yoruba, believe me, they'll love her so heartilly. She might amuse them out of curiosity and wonderment of the possibility that a foreigner could learn our culture that fast!

Now, Blackbeauty, in order for us to really help you and not to confuse you further, you need to let us know if your guy is Hausa or Yoruba or Ibo (or perhaps, from numerous  other minority tribes in Nigeria). Nigeria is a very complicated nation -- we have over 250 dialects, and each and every one of these tribes wants to belong, if you know what I mean. Please, in order for you to receive proper advise, we need to know your man's tribe. Good luck.

wat is "hip" in this matter, no one is asking her to act Western. I am saying is for her to be herself. Bowing down to me is stupid ,I personally hate that aspect of the Yoruba culture. Why should i bow down to a human like me , Is she God ? .In as much as i hate, i wouldnt go against her kneeling down.Its her business.

Nike 450, by your name, I take it you are a yoruba gurl, I am too, and in yoruba land, when a girl wants to greet someone older than her, she kneels, and a boy prostrates.How does bowing down come into it?I know it's not you, but I don't understand "bowing", it's probably in another culture, either hausa, because i think the guy bow to each other, but I'm not sure about the gurls,neway sha...

Nike450:

what is "hip" in this matter, no one is asking her to act Western. I am saying is for her to be herself. Bowing down to me is stupid ,I personally hate that aspect of the Yoruba culture. Why should i bow down to a human like me , Is she God ? .In as much as i hate, i wouldnt go against her kneeling down.Its her business.

See, it's just a sign of respect. you don't want them gossiping (you know nigerians) about your mom and how she didn't bring you up well.
i try to give my mom a good name everywhere i go so when meet a Nigerian family, i greet them the nigerian way and act extra nice. and they give you compliments and how my mom brought me up good.

i don't think it's stupid as long as you only do it w/ Nigerian Adults. it's not like you have to greet your friends and teachers like that.

Hi Everyone,
I have the same concerns as Black Beauty, as regards meeting my boyfriends parents for the first time. My boyfriend is Igbo. What would be a respectful way to greet his family, especialy his mummy?

Well............thanks for the various and differing responses. To clarify things a little, my boyfriend in Yoruba.

From what I've observed so far, respect is a huge thing in his culture! He calls his sister his "auntie" and so forth.

Whereas, here, we call our sisters and in-laws by whatever their name is. Not because we're being disrespectul necessarily. Also, I realize that a lot of you guys call anyone lady who is a significant elder, "mummy" or "the mommies," but in my family, if I bring a guy home it's not cool for him to just start calling my mother "mommy." (They don't know each other like that!) Which is why I'm hesitant to call his mother "mummy."

@ blakbeauty,
i'd say, i think you've learnt a lot. yes the yorubas pay attention to "respect" and i think you should go the extra mile. they are loving people and welcome strangers, i bet they'll meet you halfway. so, no panic. it turn out alright. (talking from personal experience)
he sure means a lot to you,( i can tell about these things, you know )

@ makede,
the igbos are not so particular about "respect" they dont care about kneeling down to greet and all that BUT that doesnt mean you can call his mum, dad, uncles and aunts by their first names. no way...  not in nigeria.

Girls be yourself, impress them, take wes' advice about helping out in house chores etc, just generally show them you are the best thing that ever happened to their sons and you'll come back a winner.
best of luck!

Hi everyone,i'm happy to be part of ds cos ds's my first time here.
Well,as a yoruba girl,i would say its a nice thing to show respect by kneelin down.U kneeling down wen greeting ur in-laws will first make them love u cos they'll be thinkin dt a non nigerian can greet them kneelin down.U help them wit house chores,do so many things wit them be cheerful and feel free.U too will c dt it is a really nice thing to have a nigerian guy as a fiance,especially if u have a nice mother in law.
Girl,u dont have to be panic,just be urself,ok?

pretysmile:

Hi everyone,i'm happy to be part of ds because ds's my first time here.
Well,as a yoruba girl,i would say its a nice thing to show respect by kneelin down.U kneeling down when greeting your in-laws will first make them love u because they'll be thinkin dt a non nigerian can greet them kneelin down.U help them wit house chores,do so many things wit them be cheerful and feel free.U too will c dt it is a really nice thing to have a nigerian guy as a fiance,especially if u have a nice mother in law.
Girl,u don't have to be panic,just be yourself,ok?

First of all, Hausa people (men in particular) don't bow, they kinda squat and make a gesture with their right hand as if they are making a fist. Just to clarify that.

@topic,

just be urself girl, but try do some of the things Wes suggested, especially calling the old lady "Mama," they like that. But to kneel?? ummm, I think u should just genuflect rather than kneeling, they serve the same purpose. Just like others adviced, be around her and show some interest in their culture. Ask her about ur man's early years. But mostly importantly, LEARN HOW TO COOK THEIR TRADITIONAL DISHES IF U CAN!

It's funny I was just teasing my girlfriend about this few nights ago (she's African American). I told her she had to go on her knees for every elderly person she meets in my family. The truth is that, she really doesn't have to do that - but that's just with my own family.

- Blakbeauty
I'd suggest you ask your boyfriend; he 's definitely the best person to anwser this question. Nigerian cultures and family background vary.

One important thing is that you should present yourself to be very nice, and humble.

when in rome, do as the romans do.its that simple.

all you janded nigerians out there ought to remember that when savvy businessmen want to do business in other cultures, they adopt their ways(at least on the surface).you want a successful relationship with your hubby's pple,do it their way!!

all u guys out there talking about being yourself are so full of it.
when going for a job interview, do u go as ur self(laid back, trainers, jeans,etc) or as the interviewers expect(suit etal?).

be yourself-U GOT TO BE KIDDING!!
at the early stages of interaction with pple(especially when toasting) we are never ourselves. ud best remember that

@BlackBeauty

What WesleyanA said following your question is the ideal answer to what you asked. You are from a different culture. She has broken it down for you. All you have to do is to follow what she's said humbly. You cannot go wrong (irrespective of the tribe). Mother's are particular about the girls their sons choose to bring home. I don't know why.

WesleyanA gave you the ideal answer. Don't trade this with anything else on this tread. There is no such thing as being yourself. There are principles and laws that govern life that you must obey to abide in and with.

Why are you on here asking a bunch of strangers?  Why don't you just simply ask your man?

By the way, is he a legal citizen?

You are an American, not an ethnic African.  You behave the same way you would behave if you greet man who mama was borned and bread in Ameria.  If she is really friendly, she might greet you with a hug.  If you sense hugging isn't appropriate, a simple handshake would surfice.  I think this greet is pretty universal in the world.

Again, why are you asking a bunch of strangers?  I am a black Amerian too.  You are an American.  If you are respectful to adults normally, don't change what you are now currently doing.  You are not an ethnic African, so you should not feel the pressure to succumb to any cultural norms.

BigSis:

Why are you on here asking a bunch of strangers? Why don't you just simply ask your man?

By the way, is he a legal citizen?

You are an American, not an ethnic African. You behave the same way you would behave if you greet man who mama was borned and bread in Ameria. If she is really friendly, she might greet you with a hug. If you sense hugging isn't appropriate, a simple handshake would surfice. I think this greet is pretty universal in the world.

Again, why are you asking a bunch of strangers? I am a black Amerian too. You are an American. If you are respectful to adults normally, don't change what you are now currently doing. You are not an ethnic African, so you should not feel the pressure to succumb to any cultural norms.

you are so full of urself lol. and so what that you are american? Why are banging on about that fact as if to be american is to be from another planet? Last i checked you and your ancestors where cotto picking slaves, segregated to the backwaters of humanity and denied access to live life as a decent human. Last i checked you all where a disgrace to black people in Katrina, last i checked you all make up the least educated group of Americans (even ethnic africans do far better), you make up the bulk of the poor, 30% of american men in prison are from ur stock and u all are a drag on the welfare system. And you dare come here shouting "i'm american!" lol even a white south african had more rights than you had less than 40 yrs ago!

Oh wait, if we were all a bunch of strangers why are u here? Are there no forums created by ur almighty america where u can go spew ur bigotry? Go back to the stormfront website and go tell them u are american, cheap slave!

davidylan:

you are so full of yourself lol. and so what that you are american? Why are banging on about that fact as if to be american is to be from another planet? Last i checked you and your ancestors where cotto picking slaves, segregated to the backwaters of humanity and denied access to live life as a decent human. Last i checked you all where a disgrace to black people in Katrina, last i checked you all make up the least educated group of Americans (even ethnic africans do far better), you make up the bulk of the poor, 30% of american men in prison are from your stock and u all are a drag on the welfare system. And you dare come here shouting "i'm american!" lol even a white south african had more rights than you had less than 40 years ago!

Oh wait, if we were all a bunch of strangers why are u here? Are there no forums created by your almighty america where u can go spew your bigotry? Go back to the stormfront website and go tell them u are american, cheap slave!

Na Wah O! Kai!

I dey fear you no be small. You no dey even try spice your food at all. Straight to the point. I for talk but you don already summarise her entire family tree, so no need. Yeye Black americans. Me I am chocolate French. mumu pikin.

davidylan:

you are so full of yourself lol. and so what that you are american? Why are banging on about that fact as if to be american is to be from another planet? Last i checked you and your ancestors where cotto picking slaves, segregated to the backwaters of humanity and denied access to live life as a decent human. Last i checked you all where a disgrace to black people in Katrina, last i checked you all make up the least educated group of Americans (even ethnic africans do far better), you make up the bulk of the poor, 30% of american men in prison are from your stock and u all are a drag on the welfare system. And you dare come here shouting "i'm american!" lol even a white south african had more rights than you had less than 40 years ago!

Oh wait, if we were all a bunch of strangers why are u here? Are there no forums created by your almighty america where u can go spew your bigotry? Go back to the stormfront website and go tell them u are american, cheap slave!

Don't forget the satisfaction they exhibit for scoring a meager D so that their financial aid wouldn't be revoke. Or spending 3 days on line to purchase the lastest NIKE while their children feed on MD instead of buying and preparing a healthy nutritious dinner.  Remember too their lack of incentive to wanting more. So instead of working for minimum wage, they prefer robbing and stealing from hard working individuals.  Oh! last but not least, instead of investing into properties, they flank to the projects where they can suck the economy dry, yet they have the nerves to hate on immigrants who have come, worked and are progressing,

my dear mami, let them keep hating. The only time you see blacks here is either when u need someone to make the supplies or take out the thrash! And they bigsis has the nerve to tell us about americans. Yes America is the most powerful nation on earth but is it not a disgrace that it has NEVER in 200 yrs been led by a black American?
where are the black american inventors and scientists? Usually u are lucky if out of about 50 visiting professors in a yr just 1 of them is black. All the black americans are busy polishing the wheels of the cars they bought on credit, flipping burgers and sharing homes in ghettos!

And they dare hate on us!

Lmao gosh, david and Islander.

If it wasnt BigSis I would have told you two to calm down on that poor delusional thing but that tart is known for saying alot of crap about Nigerians so I'll look the other way  


blakbeauty, first thing you should do is make sure this dude is a legal alien in The States, also since you say he's Yoruba, you should bow, if it were Igbo or some other then a smile and a handshake is enough.

At my good friend's graduation in May, I bowed when I saw her parents and they looked at me like I was crazy and smiled. She's Igbo, I completely forgot that it's not in their culture, but hey Im Yoruba and that's what we do for any adult Nigerian esp parents

wetin be OP?

lol u're responding to blakbeauty, her post has been there since 2005. i bet she's even forgotten about her trip to nigeria by now.

davidylan:

my dear mami, let them keep hating. The only time you see blacks here is either when u need someone to make the supplies or take out the thrash! And they bigsis has the nerve to tell us about americans. Yes America is the most powerful nation on earth but is it not a disgrace that it has NEVER in 200 years been led by a black American?
where are the black american inventors and scientists? Usually u are lucky if out of about 50 visiting professors in a yr just 1 of them is black. All the black americans are busy polishing the wheels of the cars they bought on credit, flipping burgers and sharing homes in ghettos!

And they dare hate on us!

High time now someone knocks sense into their senseless heads.  last semester was taking a course with one, who took it upon herself to use her Financial aid to purchase her hustling boyfriend rims for his Lexus(mind you that's where he lives too), then had the audacity to ask me to please loan her my books.  They have no goals, no ambition, no sense of direction.  

ThiefOfHearts:

Lmao gosh, david and Islander.

If it wasnt BigSis I would have told you two to calm down on that poor delusional thing but that tart is known for saying alot of crap about Nigerians so I'll look the other way  

LOL, Sometimes they need to be told the truth. I once told them I was never ashamed of my skin colour until I relocated here, and had people mistakenly associate me with them. One such instance I was riding an elevator to an interview, and this white lady held onto her pocket book. Tears came down my eyes. I followed her and demanded that she gave me an explanation. After much persuading on my behalf she said that she had been mugged on several occasions by these "N"( she used the N word) Shame, shame, shame,

BigSis has a point. You are American, so realistically speaking it would be very hard for you to be Nigerian in your mannerisms and ways of doing things. I am Black American too. How you approach your mother really will depend on what your boyfriend is like. What's his attitude about Nigerian culture? Does he eat the food everyday and pretty much follow the culture by the letter or is he very Americanized. If he's really, really into his culture, then it'll be a good idea for you to take the suggestions of people telling you to do stuff like kneel. If he's very supportive of you and is Americanized, approach his mother the same way you would if he were American--respectful - smile and give her a hug. One thing I have noticed is Nigerian women make a big, big deal over whether or not you know how to cook the food. I think that would matter more to them than whether or not you kneel. Since you're going to Nigeria, even if your boyfriend doesn't eat Nigerian food, try to learn at least one dish.