I have so much to write but I will try to be as brief as as possible because of those who aren't good at reading plenty stuff.

Now, when you talk about an Abusive Marriage, the natural thing that comes to the mind is its the Man that is Abusing the wife (obviously because the man is the head and physically stronger except in few occasions) Its only in rare occasion when a man is humble enough to speak out that He is being abused by his wife that we get to know. I will not be dwelling on the case of wives abusing husbands because he is physically weak, sick or broke because the percentage and life threat is low compared to A man abusing the woman which is of high percentage and life threatening. Although I will write about Wives abusing husbands some other day.

As written above, this write up is about Men abusing women in Marriage or relationship But I will be dwelling on a few root causes that other people are ignoring and I will be addressing it from the male and female angle so maybe, this can help few people avert future disasters.

1. Background/Upbringing
What a young boy or girl sees growing up make up their perception and ideology in life, If a child comes from a home where the father beats his mother at the slightest provocation, his brothers beats his sisters and he even beats his own sister(s), there is a very high tendency that he will be abusive in his relationship or marriage because overtime, he saw that as the right way to act to show manliness.
Also, if a girl come from a home where the mother is disrespectful, insults the father, slaps the father or other men, she will likely become abusive in marriage or Will "Push" a gentle man/husband to the wall until he becomes abusive then she starts crying the victim.
So to save yourself a lot of trouble in the future, look into the background of the man/lady you wanna marry, talk alot and know what happened while growing up, do not just laugh at the gist, pick lessons from there, lookout for red flags, and when you see the signs, please leave that partner, do not believe anyone will change or you will change the person, some may pretend for sometime to marry you and the real personality will start playing out, it's better to wait and marry late than marry wrong.

2. Disrespectfulness
This goes especially to married women, I know we are all equal before God But that same God made your Husband the head, you can never change that narrative. A man is wired to receive respect and a woman is wired to receive love. Please respect your husband. More reason why background is very important, somethings a wife never sees as being disrespectful considering her background may be seen to be disrespectful by her husband considering his own background, please look into this and adjust where necessary. This is main reason why a well educated and successful man will prefer his uneducated househelp to his polished wife, The househelps kneels to greet him, honours him and then cook his meals, gradually, He starts getting attached to her, some men bottles this up while some may not be able to and start having an affair with the househelp. The issue there is respect, it's good to be your husbands best friend but never let that affect the respect you should give him, do not talk back at him, never insult him, do not challenge his authority, it will bring out the beast in him. Meanwhile, do not think you have seen the best of your husband, If you wanna see him at his optimum, just intentionally respect Him, if you are african, do it the African way and watch him ask you to make any demand which he is ready to fulfil. Come here and thank me when it works.

3. Involving a Third party
It Is not totally a bad idea to involve a third party when it seem you and your partner can not resolve the matter at hand, getting the wrong person may further provoke your partner, make sure it is someone that partner really really respect and you should also be sure of the personality and proven records of that third party. Some men/ladies will insult you for tolerating your partner but they take far worse treatment from their own partners. Mind who you discuss your relationship with, make the person is not a sentimental/partial person, a person who is known for standing for the truth, not who will support you and try to justify your wrong doing, they will only make matter worse. Get a neutral person who you are 100% not interested in you or your partner and also see a marriage counsellor if need be.

4. Know when to keep shut or walk away
If both partners can master this, physical abuse will be properly managed. There is always a perfect time to keep shut and w7alk away when the tension is high before it gets physical. You can apologise even if you are wrong just to calm the pressure and then talk about it much later when anger is absent. This is what I wish ladies can learn, but many ladies rains insults on the man and if he is not the type that has mastered to walk away, it can get physical/abusive.

5. Prayerfully and carefully choose a partner.
Do not let greed, sentiment, laziness becloud your reasoning when choosing a partner.

6. Laziness
I mentioned laziness because most ladies sees a man as their only source of provision and never do anything that can give them money, so it's very difficult for them to leave the man if he becomes abusive because he pays all her Bill's, the world has gone digital, even if your husband does not want you to work or do business, but you can learn an online skills you can do from home so you do not become handicapped. Do not fall for crocodile tears with the usual statement of "Please, I will change" majority will never change, I will not advise you to risk even when you see red flags, Life is Precious. Same goes to some men too that remain in toxic relationships because the woman is paying your Bill's, get something to do so you will be able to take a walk when it becomes unbearable.

Know all these and have peace.

1.Background/Upbringing

Background matters a lot but adulthood is expected to kill the negative influence of bad or poor backgrounds. If you grow up and notice what you learned from your parents is bad, do not continue it and claim it is what you grew up with. I and my siblings are examples. My parents, when they were alive, fought a lot. It gave me and my siblings emotional traumas. Also, our peers ridiculed us too much because our parents were always fighting. I and my siblings were violent against one another during our childhood. But all these did not make us abusive adults. Each of us stopped being violent before finishing secondary school. My youngest sibling is above the age of 24 now. My elder brother has an abusive wife that tries to start a fight for every serious argument. She would constantly drag my brother on his cloth or push him around. My brother never tries to hit her. The day he angrily said he would beat her, all of us warned him seriously. In fact, instead of him complaining to his in-laws, he complains more to us and says he is afraid of touching her because we will blame him if he touches her. When my younger brother was staying with my uncle, he once tried to engage my uncle in a fight because my uncle beat my aunt (the uncle's wife). I and my brothers are not known for dating girls but we have respectively tried a few girls. I have never had the temptation of hitting any of the girls I dated. I never even raised my voice at them. None of my younger brothers has ever hit his girl. Maybe I and my siblings have a special grace that other people lack. All I know is every adult should be reasonable to distinguish between good and bad. Do not misbehave and claim it is your background. A lot of people brought in an abusive marriage misbehave and blame it on the psychological effects of their parents' marriage. Imagine if I and my siblings misbehave and blame it on the fact that we were brought up in an abusive marriage. What would be your reaction? Will you not remind us that we must not do what our parents did?

2. Disrespectfulness
A man is wired to receive respect and a woman is wired to receive love.

It is a very bad mentality to abuse your spouse because you feel disrespected. If your fellow man or your adult sibling disrespects you, would you fight the person? Toxic masculinity is why a man will abuse his wife because she disrespected him. I do hear young boys say "Any girl that tries this with me will chop slap". Those boys have toxic masculinity. Those boys are the type that will turn to wife beaters. Disrespect is very bad and annoying. But no rational adult will see violence as an approach to disrespect.

3. Involving a Third party

I totally agree with you. Involving a third party in a marital dispute is bad. And when it is inevitable, it should be done with so much carefulness as you stated.

4. Know when to keep shut or walk away
You can apologise even if you are wrong just to calm the pressure and then talk about it much later when anger is absent.

I totally disagree with this. I will not apologize when I know I am not guilty. I may overlook the partner's fault or easily forgive the partner. But apologizing when I am the one who deserves an apology? No. Many people apologize when offended by their partners. They see it as being romantic. I will not be that stupid. A lot of people who are not compatible start a romantic marriage because of it and divorce quickly. They apologize unnecessarily when dating, in the name of forming good partners. But at a point in the marriage, they will no longer bear it. That is when you will begin to hear things like: "She was not like this when we started. He was not like this when we started". I prefer being real from day one. What I know I cannot do for long, I will not use it to attract you. So that I will not find it difficult to maintain you when we start. I rather learn how to not overact to your offense. But apologizing for being offended is one thing I will not do. If you like, say I am arrogant. I will apologize only if my misbehavior pushed you into the offense. If you apologize to your offender, be ready to receive more offenses and the offender will gradually become more unapologetic as time goes on.

5. Prayerfully and carefully choose a partner.

I totally agree with you here.

6. Laziness
I mentioned laziness because most ladies sees a man as their only source of provision and never do anything that can give them money, so it's very difficult for them to leave the man if he becomes abusive because he pays all her Bill's

That my uncle I mentioned above does not provide for up to 30% of his family's needs. His wife and the wife's siblings sustain the family. Yet, he abuses her. A good man is a good man, even if he gives his wife heaven and earth. A bad man is a bad man, even if his wife gives him heaven and earth. This is also applicable to women. Dependency can only cause inadequacy (not having enough material things to enjoy). Whoever claims dependency is the reason for injustice and abuse in a marriage is a liar.

Chai!!!