@laudate

we're on different pages here.

I'm not talking about a child's inheritance rights or anything like that. Inheritance in these instances has to do with customary law, more than anything else. Remember- my point of reference is Igbo/Yoruba marriages.


As Nigerians, culture is very important to us, and culture as defined in Nigeria is directly enforced by tribe. or should I say directly related to tribe. Each tribe even has different major foods and ways of cooking them, for example.  A child of intercultural unions will be exposed to two cultures- one from each parent, to varying degrees. What I was talking about was the common nationalism which defines tribal identity. A person may subscribe to both, but it doesnt mean he/she will be fully accepted by the hardliners of either tribe. There will still be a 'comma' of questionable loyalty, if push comes to shove. A tragic example is the Rwanda genocide, where even children who were half Hutu,with only one tutsi parent, were still murdered by the hutu extremists. An extreme example, and may we never see such in Nigeria. In most cases, cross cultural children dont see anything this extreme, and it also helps if the parents dont allow extremist relations to peddle their tribalism in the home. In cases where the extended family members have a major say in what goes on in a man or woman's home, you'll be surprised at what happens.

However, intertribal unions are one of the few feasible ways forward, in my opinion.

in any case, your observations are right. Your post was very interesting, by the way.

tpia:

@laudate

we're on different pages here.

I'm not talking about a child's inheritance rights or anything like that. Inheritance in these instances has to do with customary law, more than anything else. Remember- my point of reference is Igbo/Yoruba marriages.

Never said, you did. I was the one who brought up inheritance rights. I merely used it as an example to illustrate a point.

tpia:

As Nigerians, culture is very important to us, and culture as defined in Nigeria is directly enforced by tribe. or should I say directly related to tribe. Each tribe even has different major foods and ways of cooking them, for example.  A child of intercultural unions will be exposed to two cultures- one from each parent, to varying degrees.

True!

tpia:

What I was talking about was the common nationalism which defines tribal identity. A person may subscribe to both, but it doesnt mean he/she will be fully accepted by the hardliners of either tribe. There will still be a 'comma' of questionable loyalty, if push comes to shove. A tragic example is the Rwanda genocide, where even children who were half Hutu,with only one tutsi parent, were still murdered by the hutu extremists. An extreme example, and may we never see such in Nigeria. In most cases, cross cultural children don't see anything this extreme, and it also helps if the parents don't allow extremist relations to peddle their tribalism in the home. In cases where the extended family members have a major say in what goes on in a man or woman's home, you'll be surprised at what happens,

Am so sad to hear about the Rwandan case. And like you, I pray it doesn't happen here. People can use different things to cause mayhem and spread hatred. In the Rwandan case, ethnic identity was merely a weapon that was used to annihilate so many people. It is such a tragedy.

But hardliners or arch-conservative bigots exist, all over the world. They are the ones that say for example, "you can't be black if you are too fair-skinned, or you can't be Irish, if you don't hate the british etc." And they are kept in business, by those who choose to listen to them and act on their words instead of tossing it into the garbage heap. Such hardliners merely use 'identity,' as a way to spread more hatred, around the world. They would like to define each individual's personal identity, according to their own terms, and that is such a narrow-minded thing to do. If you remember Ali Mazrui's exchange of words with Wole Soyinka on identity, he objected to the fact that someone wanted to define his ethnic identity or make it sound as if, since he was one, he couldn't be the other.

When it comes to hardliners in the extended family, I guess they would have to be put in their place, wouldn't they?? To deal with such hardliners who are extended family members, you could always take a leaf from my uncle ,who never gave them any audience. He made it clear that his house was run by fiat. No one could come in from outside, to complain about his wife, her cooking or her cultural background. He would tell visitors who were less than polite, to shove off. "No be yah wife, na my own, and no be by force them dey visit person", was his favourite phrase.

tpia:
However, intertribal unions are one of the few feasible ways forward, in my opinion.

in any case, your observations are right. Your post was very interesting, by the way.

Gee, thanks! So was yours' too. Thanks for sharing.

Imani:

Maybe you mean Idiots like yourself.

I didn't address my post to you and spoke generally. You are not the only person on this forum that cares so much about his ethnicity.

Like i said before, you DON'T have to agree with my post. You can diagree and say what you like but i object to your choice of insulting words.

I have tried to be civil, but i think you want to make enemies, but i am not interested, please try the "next door".

Imani, your remarks above were addressed to Donzman. I wish you hadn't even responded to his earlier uncouth statement.

You ought to know him well, by now. 'Insult' is his middle name. If you go through most of his posts, you will discover a similar pattern of acerbic insults, running through most of them. Even when he doesn't know much about what is being said, or even when it is so clear that he is way off track, he will still insult you first, before making his views known.

Don't let him get underneath your skin.

You can advice but you cannot stick to your own advice, I didn't only get underneath your skin, I gained access to your bones!!

@ Donzman

Your advice that poster should spend money on the girl's father to be accepted is decietful.I'm a product of inter-tribal marriage and my parents are happy. From their relationship history,there was never a time my dad did such a thing.It wasnt easy for both families but at last, love and God's wish prevailed.My dad is from the north while my mum is Ibo.

At least, be honest in your advice.

@ carbonate

I understand your dilemma.Right now, i'm dating a yoruba guy who is a by-product of yoruba /ibo marriage. The sisters are lovely people and they respect me though i'm not even much older than them. They're always in my favour whenever there's a row between me and my man (that is if i'm right) 'cos they know thier brother. And they give good testimonies about me anytime they travel home to see their parents.Now, the woman can't wait to see me. And i love the family too.

What i'm saying is that it doesn't have anything to do with both tribes hating each other or exposure ie mixing with different races or living in a foriegn land.It has a lot to do with the perception of both families.Some feel they'd lose their children when they marry outside their own tribe.

Besides,kids born out of such marriages are even more rational but they fail to see that. If you love each other and God is on your side ,it would work. Cheer up! God will only allow the best to happen to you no matter how sad the situation may seem. Peace!

As a child of an inter-ethnic marriage, I can say in all honesty, that I have never experienced any kind of discrimination, for being a product of an inter-ethnic relationship. I don't know of any part of Nigeria where a child would be denied of his rights and priviledges, simply because his mother comes from another ethnic group. A collegue of mine once said: "Among my father's people, am a son of the soil but among my mother's kindred, am an honoured guest."   For me, it has always been more of an advantage, than anything else. I am fully part of both worlds, even if my words carry more weight in my father's clan. I also have to undertake more responsibilities in my father's lineage, than in my maternal one. One is blessed to have been fully assimilated, into both societies.

@ laudate
I  agree with you,absolutely. Never felt any form of descrimination from both sides. Infact, i write my maternal language as well as i speak it. In my secondary sch. days and undergraduate days, i had a ball staying with my maternal folks. It all boils down to perception and family values irrespective of what this tribe believe and what the other tribe doesnt.

Humm I really wonder when tribe will no longer be an issue in Nigeria. This forum is becoming hot already!

@zainab

Stop kidding yourself, ask your dad how rich he was when he married your mom!

@me-zainab, although i believe in what you said, most parents that are liberal enough does not mind like my parents especially if the family is very nice. on the other hand, your b/f's case is different because he is a by-product of 2 ethnicities, by da way, r u Nigerian? if you're, what tribe?

Donzman:

You can advice but you cannot stick to your own advice, I didn't only get underneath your skin, I gained access to your bones!!

Hehehehe. . . .nah. . .you merely wish you did. Tsk, tsk Donzman you have been misled as usual, by your over-inflated ego.

me-zainab:

I'm a product of inter-tribal marriage and my parents are happy. From their relationship history,there was never a time my dad did such a thing.It wasnt easy for both families but at last, love and God's wish prevailed.My dad is from the north while my mum is Ibo.

Cool! Lovely combination, I must say. What part of the North are you from? The Middle-Belt? North-East? Where? Is your dad a Christian, or a Muslim? I know a few Northern/Ibo couples too. But most of the men in such unions, are from ethnic groups within the the middle-belt e.g. Igala, Idoma etc.

Me am from another country Not Nigeria, We used to have those tribal differences which resulted in one tribe killing the other. But my point is as new Generations we do not have to consider what our Great grand parents considered, we have to change so as to live the past behind.

What i can say is love is important in life and we should always follow our heart not to be inspired by others. Therefore, tribal differences should be put aside and consider love only.

Well i want to inlighten some people here. As far as Igbo's in the eastern Nigeria are concern, we don't marry Yoruba's, any Igbo woman that married yoruba man went to hustling in Lagos and ofwhich she know that if she come's back to igboland she won't be recorgnise by our men because she sold herself. This shit is ruining through every ibo man's blood and we pass it to our children, is better we marry to white girls but not Yoruba or hausa, count it from today that these three tribes are enemies. If so, try to tell Isreal to mingle with Palestenians and see if they can coup?

We have pretty chicks in our land yall we call them queens and princess. Bring your ass to east side and see how we ball. I miss my land alot i feel like going back today.

i can't believe someone could be saying that kind of shit in this 21st century.the hausa,the yoruba and the igbo are brothers in the colony.though in tribe and tongue we may differ,but in the essence of life we are the same.A.B.A4LIFE PLEASE HUSH [color=#990000][/color]
THE WORST CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY IS INDIFFERENCE

ababoy:

i can't believe someone could be saying that kind of shit in this 21st century.the hausa,the yoruba and the igbo are brothers in the colony.though in tribe and tongue we may differ,but in the essence of life we are the same

Do you think everyone is enlightened enough to see things in this light?

Pray for Nigeria o! Where is Donzman? The kind of stuff A.B.A4LIFE is parroting, is what Donzman calls 'cultural familiarity'!! Hehehe. . . .!

@ A.B.A4LIFE

Who send you message?! I'm surprised at such a blunt statement coming from a supposed enlightened adult in this present day and age.There's no iota of truth in what you said.Infact, i'm Igbo and your statement is  "personal" and simply put,disgusting.    whatever your beliefs are,don't atrribute it to igbo norms rather take it back to your family values! The world evolves,people evolve with it. You too should have a paradigm shift.

I even question your location judging from your grammer or maybe you should go get yourself a formal education in a non-ibo speaking place.

@donzman

when my dad married my mum, he was just a young engineer with Peugeot cars in the coal city. (where he met my mum)Both grew there. He told my mum that he didn't own a car except the official one of once in a while.He was just a young barchelor living in a room apartment.My mum married him nontheless and we're happy as a family today.

Meanwhile,may God help you for asking such a question

@Ezinwannem

I'm a Nigerian from the kanuri tribe.Fulani.I'm from Plateu State.Mum is from the east. Ana m asu kwa igbo ofuma. Ka i mara amara o!

@ laudate
Thanks. I guess you understand because you're mixed.They need to experience this feeling of belonging to two tribes.Such a sweet feeling you know now,

me-zainab:

@ laudate
Thanks. I guess you understand because you're mixed.They need to experience this feeling of belonging to two tribes.Such a sweet feeling you know now,

You are right. . . .hehehe!!   

But tell me, how were they able to handle the religious differences. Am just curious, because most Fulani people I know are Muslims and most Igbo folks are Christians. I have relatives from both religions too, and I know it takes a great deal of tolerance & understanding to avoid stepping on the wrong toes, when religion is on the front burner. But anyway, we often don't make it an issue as we see religion as a deeply personal thing. Besides, I get great food from all sides whenever the festivities get underway!

me-zainab:

@donzman

when my dad married my mum, he was just a young engineer with Peugeot cars in the coal city. (where he met my mum)Both grew there. He told my mum that he didn't own a car except the official one of once in a while.He was just a young barchelor living in a room apartment.My mum married him nontheless and we're happy as a family today.

Meanwhile,may God help you for asking such a question

You're just being economical with the truth!

Donzman:

You're just being economical with the truth!

In what way is she being economical with the truth?? Or do you think everybody is obsessed with crass mercantilism like you? Obviously, everything boils down to naira & kobo in your eyes!

me-zainab:

Thanks. I guess you understand because you're mixed.They need to experience this feeling of belonging to two tribes.Such a sweet feeling you know now,

spot on.

believe it or not, children of intertribal unions have a very distinctive look, because they tend to combine the best features of both tribes. [with a few exceptions like OBJ of course].


Or maybe they look more unique because while most times their names/surnames place them in one tribe, their features reflect another tribe.

speaking from personal observation.

laudate:

In what way is she being economical with the truth?? Or do you think everybody is obsessed with crass mercantilism like you? Obviously, everything boils down to naira & kobo in your eyes!

Don't hate, that's all!

Thanks there's a real ababoy that behaves like a human being, not the A.B.A version who is a chronic slowpoke.

I am once again impress with open minded contributors on this thread.

The truth is that deep down parents they want the best for their sons/daughters. The few who sworn that their child would not marry from a particular tribe may have some sentimental reasons and not enlighten or have a modern day experience.

If a yoruba or Ibo or hausa person is abroad and ready to marry and the people he/she get along with most is from the other tribe and love, what do such person do?

Inter racial/cultural and inter religion marriages are usually the best because it show understanding and tolerance and I will urge more Nigerians in Particular to promote it.
Infact some of this debate will not be necessary, and we will simply love each other and not worry about Tribes etc.

Although I am a christian(my maternal grandmother is muslim- and my paternal grand father is muslim as well) so I know about each of this faith and would not necessarily marry a muslim but will not be too stuborn to marry one ON ONE CONDITION - IF GOD SAY I SHOULD DO IT.

Let me explain I cherise and respect not only my parents and culture/tradition but they all take back seat to what my BIG DADDY in heaven has to say. He has the final say.

My parents or the family/community , or tradition are just the worldly way that i am here but God orders are not to be compromised, his word stand forever and FINAL.

My brief advice to Carbonate is to pray and seek GOd approval(if God say YES) then speak to your girlfriend's father and explain to him and allay his fears and try to let him see what the modern day is alll baout and forget all this Biafra etc thing and try to work together.

If you and your Girlfriend prays and fast together and God said you are meant for each other with or without your girlfriends father approval, the marriage and realtionship will be a success and with time all your girlfriend family , community and village will come around and love you becasue GOD HAS SPOKEN and he has the last say.

Even if your girlfriend's father says YES and GOd says NO, the answer I am afraid is NO forget the girl go and look elsewhere.

GOD BE WITH YOU AND BLESS YOU AND ME AND THE ENTIRE PEOPLE OF NIGERIA.

vigasimple:

I am once again impress with open minded contributors on this thread.

The truth is that deep down parents they want the best for their sons/daughters. The few who sworn that their child would not marry from a particular tribe may have some sentimental reasons and not enlighten or have a modern day experience.

If a yoruba or Ibo or hausa person is abroad and ready to marry and the people he/she get along with most is from the other tribe and love, what do such person do?

Inter racial/cultural and inter religion marriages are usually the best because it show understanding and tolerance and I will urge more Nigerians in Particular to promote it.
Infact some of this debate will not be necessary, and we will simply love each other and not worry about Tribes etc.

Although I am a christian(my maternal grandmother is muslim- and my paternal grand father is muslim as well) so I know about each of this faith and would not necessarily marry a muslim but will not be too stuborn to marry one ON ONE CONDITION - IF GOD SAY I SHOULD DO IT.

Let me explain I cherise and respect not only my parents and culture/tradition but they all take back seat to what my BIG DADDY in heaven has to say. He has the final say.

My parents or the family/community , or tradition are just the worldly way that i am here but God orders are not to be compromised, his word stand forever and FINAL.

My brief advice to Carbonate is to pray and seek GOd approval(if God say YES) then speak to your girlfriend's father and explain to him and allay his fears and try to let him see what the modern day is alll baout and forget all this Biafra etc thing and try to work together.

If you and your Girlfriend prays and fast together and God said you are meant for each other with or without your girlfriends father approval, the marriage and realtionship will be a success and with time all your girlfriend family , community and village will come around and love you becasue GOD HAS SPOKEN and he has the last say.

Even if your girlfriend's father says YES and GOd says NO, the answer I am afraid is NO forget the girl go and look elsewhere.

GOD BE WITH YOU AND BLESS YOU AND ME AND THE ENTIRE PEOPLE OF NIGERIA.

Vigasimple, may God bless you one million times on weekdays for your contribution, and ten million times on Sundays, for this wise counsel you have just shared with us.

Like you rightly stated, most of the time when parents object to their kids getting married to people from other ethnic groups, it has very little or nothing to do with that person's character and more to do with prejudice, and out-dated archaic ideology that cannot even withstand any empirical analysis.

I have seen folks (especially men), who will tell you that they cannot marry a girl from[i] X tribe [/i] or Y ethnic group, only for such men to turn round and marry a foreigner who treats them like crap, and will not show any respect for their relatives. Two of my friends were almost deported recently, for annoying their 'Oyinbo' wives. And those guys were the ones who made the greatest noise, about how bad other Nigerian tribes were, and how they would never think of marrying from those ethnic groups, because of some silly phobia they had.  _{*Please note: Am not saying all Oyinbo women are bad o*} 

One actually told me that he didn't want to marry from another ethnic group, (despite the fact that he speaks their language fluently), because he was afraid his kids would grow up, without understanding his own native tongue. Guess what this guy did? He turned round to marry a foreigner who showed him 'pepper' - the really hot type - and proceeded to call Immigration to deport him, simply because they had an argument and he threatened to send their eldest son home to Nigeria.

I know an Efik friend of mine - a lady- who was believing God for a husband. Do you realise that God showed her a dream, where she was getting married to a man, from a different ethnic group i.e. Igbo? She called me and said she wanted us to fast and pray, to cancel that dream. I refused. Who am I to stand against such a revelation?  Do you realise that exactly a year later she met the person she saw in her dream, and got married to him? So the ways of man, are not the ways of God.

All those that still harbour ethnic resentment against other tribes and refuse to marry outside their domain, for one flimsy reason or the other, I wish them luck. They are probably missing out on the good destiny that God has ordained for them, in those other ethnic regions.

@ A.B.A4LIFE

You are still living in the stone age. My brother got married to an Igbo girl and they are living happily. They have 4 kids now. So tell me something i don't know.

Hi Nairalanders, Though I'm new on this thread but i think this topic in particular affects my as a person. I am an Igbo lady dating a yoruba guy too. I tell you that what God has destined to be will definitely be.

@ poster
Just Pray about it handing over your In-law to GODS Hand and if it is HIS will, HE will let it come to pass.

believe it or not, children of intertribal unions have a very distinctive look, because they tend to combine the best features of both tribes. [with a few exceptions like OBJ of course].

What's this with ObJ I don't know about? Is he mixed? He may not be handsome but I still think he's sexy.

What's this with ObJ I don't know about? Is he mixed? He may not be handsome[b] but I still think he's sexy.[/b]

ha! . . . . . . . . . Mogbe!

OsunAmazon:

What's this with ObJ I don't know about? Is he mixed? He may not be handsome but I still think he's sexy.

this lady- you wan marry OBJ or what?

I can still allow for Iyabo because maybe her mom is fine, since we all know OBJ likes fine women. Iyabo could reflect some of her mom's features when she gets a photographer who knows his job.

I was referring to the breaking news going round at the time, that OBJ is secretly half Igbo.

It was in one of the national dailies. Personally I feel he may be related to Uganda.

If you consider OBJ sexy, what will you say when you meet the Abeokuta guys with "killer" looks. The drop dead gorgeous ones. You no go faint so?

this lady- you wan marry OBJ or what?

I can still allow for Iyabo because maybe her mom is fine, since we all know OBJ likes fine women. Iyabo could reflect some of her mom's features when she gets a photographer who knows his job.

I was referring to the breaking news going round at the time, that OBJ is secretly half Igbo.

It was in one of the national dailies. Personally I feel he may be related to Uganda.

If you consider OBJ sexy, what will you say when you meet the Abeokuta guys with "killer" looks. The drop dead gorgeous ones. You no go faint so?

You can also say he is half gorilla.

The low marriage rates amongst the tribes are due to their distinctly different cultural practices not looks or whatever. I have been privileged to live in the north, south and east of Nigeria as an adult and i was born and schooled in Lagos. Cultures are vastly different across the country.

Hausas and fulanis have dwelt and traded with yorubas for centuries and they have been inter-marrying for the same length of time, note also that they have religion in common. It is a common sight to see muslims and christians from the same nuclear family for both tribes.

You have less yoruba babes marrying ibo guys because of what we have heard and seen as terrible widowhood practices among ibos, no yoruba father will open his two eyes and see his daughter go through that. My yoruba uncle died a very sad man just a few weeks to his daughters wedding to an igbo guy. He never accepted the guy but she was insistent.

i think the yoruba culture is easier on ladies that's why you see a number of igbo ladies willing to wed yoruba guys.

But really, cultural differences can not be wished away. You must weigh your options before marrying anybody at all, even the so called white people that have no heavy duty cultural issues.