BoboYekini: hmmm

Relax bebe,the 'juicy' part is coming

come, Nne this is not funny oh. how can you leave a man hanging like this na. i dont like it o.imagine where she even stopped today own sef? now i'll just hang around this NL waiting for the update. *kpachara imi* there.

@ishilove, actually, i have been following your thread for a while,now, i am up to speed. You are a good storyteller...I kind of see a resemblance with Chimamanda Adiche's. Good job. I should also mention, you are quite funny too

@Op, u can actually earn a living from writing.keep it up.

The first thing I noticed about The Honourable was his teeth...so big, brown and shiny... Does anyone remember Donkey from the Shrek series? Honourable's teeth were by far more impressive than that of the famous cartoon character. I found myself staring at the teeth. . .

"Ajuwaya", Honourable hailed jovially

I forcefully tore my eyes away from all that teeth.

"Sir," I answered nervously. Who was this obviously important man? Why did he stop this impressive convoy for lil 'ol me?

"Are you going towards Akure?", he asked.

I bobbed my head rapidly. "Yes sir,Akure sir" I answered with great enthusiasm.

"Okay, let me drop you off corper", he said, and smiled.

I almost jerked involuntarily but caught myself just in time. My goodness, so much teeth!

He motioned for his PA(?) to help me with my bags. The grumpy man all but snatched the bags from my hands and went over to the boot. While all these were happening, other road users kept a cautious distance away from the convoy because in this country of ours, government convoys mean trouble. Passing motorists gave me curious glances and I must admit I felt a tad funky with all the attention I was getting

As I got in and sat down beside the Honourable, I heard Mr PA wreaking havoc on my grocery bag and awkward blue basket in the boot of the car. My hackles rose as I silently fumed: Hey watch it assshole, don't mess with the tomatoes!!! It better not burst and soak my gari because I can't come to Ondo market TWICE on top of gari matter o!!!!

More rustling and grating sounds...

Fool don't break the basket, I can't be having rat shiit in ma plates!!! .

I honestly don't know what they had kept back there in the boot that warranted this kind of manhandling of my innocent bags and basket

To my utmost relief, he didn't wrestle long with my bags. He shut the boot, motioned to the preceding cars in the convoy to start moving and re-entered the vehicle. I gave the back of his head a surreptitious glare from the top of my glasses before turning my attention back to the Honourable.

The Honourable was a very pleasant fellow and a lively conversationist. He asked me where I was serving and when I told him it was in Kind Comprehensive College, Wasimi, he asked me where in God's sunny Ondo Wasimi was located. I didn't blame him for asking. Even a lot of folks down yonder area didn't know where Wasimi was.

He introduced himself as Honourable so and so. I will not mention his name because he is still a serving officer in the Mimiko-led administration and he will go into an athsmatic fit if he should come across his name in a public forum such as this. However,I will mention that in addition to being a high ranking officer in the government, he is also a member of the Ondo states sports council. A very important one.

I must say I was very impressed. A humble "government pikin" like me sitting beside such an important personality and interacting with him, wow, wait till The Guys hear about this!

He told me that he picked me up because when he was a corp member, he vowed he would help corp members anywhere he came across them because of the wonderful treatment he was given by his host community. He served about twenty years ago in the old Rivers state (present day Bayelsa state). He said that even whenever he was able to make time out of his busy schedule to visit them, they still called him "corper", twenty years after!

Throughout the journey I couldn't relax because in the back of my mind's eye I could see that large, white, rusty welcome signboard looming ahead. I just wished this vehicle would zoom past the signboard and take me far away to more exciting climes. To pictureseque places where sunflies and goats didn't outnumber humans about a zillion to one.

If wishes were horses though, beggars would ride like thunder. . .

All too soon the journey came to an end.

When the convoy pulled up in front of the sign that said "Welcome to Wasimi, the place of rest", Honourable rolled down his window and sunlight instantly flooded the car's semi-dark interior. He leaned sideways and squinted out at the downward slopy road that led to the bush hamlet. He then turned to me and asked, " So this is where a pretty girl like you is holed up?? How are you coping?" I simply shrugged and answered, " what choice do I have?"

He shook his head in wonder and remarked that NYSC was no longer what it used to be. He thereafter asked for my phone number so that he could "occasionally check up on me". I hesitated, my recent experience with another politician still fresh in my mind. When he noticed my hesitation, he gave me one of his startlingly toothy grins and asked if I was scared. Since I didn't want to be rude to this very important man, I obliged him.

After I had successfully crossed the road to begin my downward descent into the dreary Land of Sunflies,Turkeys and Goats, I looked back once to stare at the receding vehicles. I was very sure I would never hear from my new, big toothed friend.

I couldn't have been more wrong. . .

Lol! @ ur sister's comment on ur stubborness to see d world.
Ishi, u're just too much. I know u'll become a Nobel someday & win so many awards both local & international.

Ishi, u no go kill me. Lol@ d description of Honorable's teeth.
Did u utter dose words to Mr. PA or u were just thinking aloud
ROTFL...

avicky: Lol! @ ur sister's comment on ur stubborness to see d world.
Ishi, u're just too much. I know u'll become a Nobel someday & win so many awards both local & international.

Ishi, u no go kill me. Lol@ d description of Honorable's teeth.
Did u utter dose words to Mr. PA or u were just thinking aloud
ROTFL...

Chei ,my head o... So swollen...

Thanks Vicky for taking the time out to read my work,I am really grateful.

Amen to your wishes for me,you're are star

If you go back and read that line again,you'll see I was silently fuming . Haba how I go talk that kind tin for where hin dey?? You want make them carry my property troway for road, me wey happy sey I see free ride

oya continue o. . .

avicky: Lol! @ ur sister's comment on ur stubborness to see d world.
Ishi, u're just too much. I know u'll become a Nobel someday & win so many awards both local & international.

Ishi, u no go kill me. Lol@ d description of Honorable's teeth.
Did u utter dose words to Mr. PA or u were just thinking aloud
ROTFL...

Say, global journalist awards and you're closer to the ish

@Ishi darling, girl, I............ You get? ............words......vanishing.........tongue-tied..........that's.............what the heck? Quit trying already? Ishi, your skill is incredible, believe me, if I tried to do better than that, I'll probably invent a new language. Talk about "engaging", this is so "on" the hook. Couldn't let go even though I'm late for church hehe

Ihedinobi:

Say, global journalist awards and you're closer to the ish

@Ishi darling, girl, I............ You get? ............words......vanishing.........tongue-tied..........that's.............what the heck? Quit trying already? Ishi, your skill is incredible, believe me, if I tried to do better than that, I'll probably invent a new language. Talk about "engaging", this is so "on" the hook. Couldn't let go even though I'm late for church hehe

Thanks nwoke, I'm blushing

Double post

O girl continue ya story na. . .abeg na.
*i cant believe i'm begging*

brokoto: O girl continue ya story na. . .abeg na.
*i cant believe i'm begging*

No vex, I go update am asap becos rite now I dey church. (God forgive me)

Ishilove:
No vex, I go update am asap becos rite now I dey church. (God forgive me)

Sinful girlz..........nling in church

Darling, you have mail. Get back to me on it.

Cool write up you've got here Ishi. Abeg, continue the story jor...

Ishilove:
Chei ,my head o... So swollen...

Thanks Vicky for taking the time out to read my work,I am really grateful.

Amen to your wishes for me,you're are star

If you go back and read that line again,you'll see I was silently fuming . Haba how I go talk that kind tin for where hin dey?? You want make them carry my property troway for road, me wey happy sey I see free ride

Lol! Don't mind me jare.
But seriously, were those teeth 'shovel like' or what

avicky:
Lol! Don't mind me jare.
But seriously, were those teeth 'shovel like' or what

"Shovel-like" captures it perfectly!!

Ishilove:
"Shovel-like" captures it perfectly!!

Lwkm... No be small thing.
Oya, il faut continuer!

u get crious bad mouth o,I tink u shud recommend d teeth 4 d nxt close up toothpaste advert.ride on,i dey ur bak

Wey this girl na? Make i no catch you for road o! Better come complete this ya story o!!!

Sorry for the delay in update folks; hustling tinz.

I will now begin the sweet task of updating the Chronicles

Ishilove: Sorry for the delay in update folks; hustling tinz.

I will now begin the sweet task of updating the Chronicles

hmph!

oya, les go der!

When I got back to my 'palatial' living quarters, I gingerly checked my bag to see if my fears would be confirmed. Thankfully, but for a few bruises here and there, my tomatoes seemed okay. I vivdly recall preparing stew and egusi soup with the tomatoes, and been in a grand mood, I invited JP for a candle light dinner of fufu and egusi soup .

While we sweated in the evening heat and demolished the fragrant fufu, I gisted him about the days events, starting with my battle with the death defying rat that despoiled my garri, moving on to Momoh's tongue-lashing, and ending it with my encounter with the toothy Honourable.

"So that's why you were behaving like a first class biatch on her period," JP remarked.

"John!" I exclaimed,embarassed,and we both burst into laughter

I remember JP warning me to be very wary of this Honourable because he didn't trust politicians. According him, they were either crooks, occultists or womanisers. Or a combination of all the above-mentioned. I laughingly waved off his fears and dismissed the Honourable from my mind.

The very next day, while I was teaching a classful of bored,vacant-eyed students about the mysteries of literature in English,my phone rang in my faded jeans pocket. Thinking it was my mom,I dropped the book I was holding, fumbled in my pocket for the singing phone and ...what's this what's this,the Honourable? My heart beat quickened. Could my large toothed friend already be 'checking up' on me so soon?

I quickly left the class and went to the bush path behind the classroom to answer the call.

"Ajuwaaaaaya!", boomed the voice of the amiable Honourable. "How are you?", he asked.

"I'm fine sir", I answered cautiously, wondering why he was calling.

After enquiring about my general well being, he invited me for an evening out in Akure. Aha,I thought to myself, so THIS is why he was calling me!

I hemmed and hawed and promised to check my schedule and get back to him then promptly cut the call.

There was no way in God's green earth I was going to go out on a date with another politician,the last thing I needed was to be groped by lecherous fingers . I went back to the class I had abandoned in my eager rush to answer the Honourable's call and rushed through the lesson. I had lost interest in the class, and the student's on their own part had had no interest in the lesson to start with. Why should they be interested, when rhymes,couplets and ballads had no relationship with cocoa farming??

Back in the staffroom, I was trying to prepare for my next class when the devil started ministering to me. I tried to block out his very persuasive voice, but after some time I found myself listening to his submissions.

Ishi, so you are going to spend another evening doing the same old things? Hey don't be stupid, nothing has to happen with the man.

"I won't even let ANYTHING happen with him", I muttered aloud to myself. Uba, whose table stood adjacent mine looked up briefly from his work to glance at me and probably wonder why I was muttering to myself, chin in hand,elbow on table and idly playing with my pen instead of preparing my notes before turning back to his work. We were alone in the room,except for Azeez who was drooling away peacefully on his desk in lala land.

Exactly! Nothing is going to happen. Just enjoy the ambience of Akure and unwind. I hear Akure is by far more interesting than Ondo.

"And where on earth did you hear that??", I asked.

O pshaw! Haven't you been to Akure? Don't you see how bubbly and lively the place is. It is by far more interesting than that dry old Ondo, with the sun and the dust.

"Ondo isn't that dry," I remarked.

O yeah? So show me one interesting place you know there.

Silence on my part.

Go to Akure, enjoy the sights and sounds of city life. Or you can stay behind and enjoy the sights and sounds of passing vehicles and quarelling turkeys like you do on a daily basis. Your choice.

More silence on my part.

Who knows sef, you could even sweet talk him into working your re-deployment fot you.

"Re-deployment to where na??"

Fool, re-deployment to a good company, that's where!! Look at Peju serving in the state house, does she have ten heads?

(Peju was my coursemate in the University and the only person in my department serving in Ondo state along sides me)

"Peju's dad worked it na," I protested weakly.

That is besides the issue here. You are too young and beautiful to be wasting away with boredom and loneliness in this backwater bush village! Go and catch your fun for heaven's sake. Start living and stop existing! Pick up the phone and call the Honourable! Its not as if you are going to sleep with him or anything like that.

"Get thee behind me Satan, I rebuke ye!!", I roared in my heart, and banged the table with my fist like a human right activist giving a passionate speech before a frenzied crowd.

Uba jumped.

Azeez grunted, and slept on.

"Ishi,what is the matter??", the startled young man enquired.

"Er.no vex Ubaneezy, na one insect climb my hand", I smoothly lied and smiled sheepishly.

"Burst you, devil! You cannot tempt me to dip my hands in fire. Devil, your plan has failed o. Leave me be, I am having nothing to do with the Honourable", I angrily reproched the smooth,dark voice filling my head with all these nonsense about catching fun.

Many hours later, sitting besides the Honourable,cruising the Ondo-Akure expressway at roughly 85/kmph, and listening to Wande Coal's "Who born the maga" at full blast, I wondered if I was under a spell. . .

Hmmm. This water no do me o! My throat still dry.abeg Ishilove do quick quick fetch the remaining one come here. You don enter 1 chance for my hand.

Ok naaaaaaaaa..............

REWIND. . . Several hours earlier. . .

All through that morning, and well into the larger part of the afternoon, I and the devil had a contest of wills. We argued endlessly about the pros and cons of going on a perfectly 'harmless' date with the Honourable. He argued his case very persuasively,while I gave fiery rebuttals.

Anyone viewing my deceptively calm exterior would never guess the turmoil taking place in my heart. The greatest battles us humans fight is the battle within. The world would be such a beautiful place if only we can overcome that which threatens our inner equilibrium. Imagine a world without wars. . . It is possible if only we can overcome the battle within.

I ever didn't win the battle because of one reason: LONELINESS.

I was so desperately lonely. Day in day out, I went through the same mind numbing routine, going through the motions of existing, weeping silently in my heart and asking God if it was wrong to dream. Yes, I wanted to go out of my comfort zone, break out of my own, quench my wanderlust...SEE THE WORLD AS IT IS, the good,not so good,the bad and the nauseatingly ugly. It is my firm belief that we are brought to this world to be sojourners and we embark on these appointed sojourns in different forms. I believed, and I still believe that mine was to go out and bestride the earth like a colossus.

Yes,it has always been my dream to travel round the world, see new sights that dazzle the senses, and there was no way in God's green earth I was going to remain Lagos where I was born and raised. Mother always says "my mind is up". Yes,I was radically different from Big Sis who was posted to Kaduna two years earlier and fled back to Lagos three months into her service year. I believed remaining in Ondo would be the first step in my globe trotting aspirations.

I craved adventure, but I got Wasimi instead.

Loneliness was my constant companion. It was beside me when I opened my eyes in the morning. It leered at me through the faces of my students. It beckoned at me from just beyond the edge of the forest behind the staffroom. I saw it at the bottom of Omiye, the village spring. It sat on the boots of the speeding cars on the expressway and waved at me. Every where I turned loneliness stared at me in the face. I only got some level of respite when I was with the Guys. However,immediately I left them, I was immediately enfolded in its suffocating embrace.

Why did I remain in Wasimi? I can't say. I still cannot say.

I didn't have female friends because I just didn't have the energy for gossip,and besides I'm a reserved person who gets tired of talking quickly.I just needed a break and some distractions from this vicious cycle of boredom and loneliness. So when the Honourable offered me some succour, though I fought hard, eventually that dark,crooked beast called loneliness pushed me into acceptance.

I finally caved in when I got back to my hut and discovered the Wasimi Turkey Association was having one of its noisy sessions by my window. Seems there was a new female in town and all the macho Peacock studs were vying hard to outdo themselves in a bid to impress this feathered damsel. Thus, their caterwauling was louder than usual that afternoon. Disgruntled,I left my room and stood by my window glaring at the prancing peacocks. In all fairness, these birds are very beautiful.

"Tolotolo make yanga,POOF!!!" (as Mother used to sing with her peers in her childhood days)

I chased the quarelling 'tolotolo' severally with a broom, but they came back and continued their ruckus while the object of their desires completely ignored them and regally sashayed around the bushes. It seems it has been divinely programmed for males of all species to fight and make fools of themselves over females .

When I got bored with watching this turkey carnival, I entered my room and tried to roam around the four corners of the earth with my mind, but the mating game going on outside constantly broke me attention, and soon enough, the heavy, dark fingers of my nemesis began to caress me. It reached out and touched me in that part of my heart where yearning and desire resides. I shuddered and turned to my phone.

He picked up at the first ring. I quickly cut the call and he called back almost immediately. We chatted briefly and the time was set for 6pm that evening.

I dressed with care, making sure I didn't apply too much make-up. The last thing I needed was to give the wrong impression. I can't be too sure now but I think I wore a really nice pair of jeans and a tight black t-shirt. Hey, I am 'gofinment' pikin and I was going to dress like the youth that I am. I wore a pair of black block heeled slippers, the kind dear Mother always said deceived people into believeing I was tall (I am nearly 5ft'7, but the heels elevated me way past that)

When the time reached, he called my phone and asked me to walk a little distance down the road in the Ondo direction.
I was a bit puzzled because I thought we were heading to Akure.
I was also expecting a convoy like the one which had picked me up the previous day, but as I walked, all I saw was a solitary,parked, gleaming white Isuzu pickup in the distance.

I walked on, thinking the convoy was parked much further down the road beyond my line of sight until I was almost upon the pickup when I noticed the vehicle had a government registration number.

Wow,it seemed like it was going to be an evening of surprises.

Okay, here goes nothing . I muttered a quick prayer and walked to the passenger side of the vehicle.

"Jesu gbami o," I prayed . (Jesus help me)

Even as I prayed the bemused voice of my conscience taunted "O,so you are praying when you are about to embark on iranu?"
(Iranu is a Yoruba word for mischief)

"Shut up jor," I fired back, "nothing will happen!".

"Yeah,right", the voice sniggered and went silent.

I opened the door and was greeted by "Who born the maga" by Wande Coal at full blast. I and my date exchanged pleasantries.

As I settled down,I could clearly hear a sound over the one blasting away from the car stereo:

The sound of my madly beating heart. . .

Wow.... So you do wax philosophical, mmm . A few things sha:

- When using a compound noun including "I", it's "...and I" not "I and..."

- Include your reader in your philosophical musings. As it is, you appear to be preaching at your reader.

Ishi, you still knock me out with your ability to sweep the reader into your story. This was good

Ihedinobi: Wow.... So you do wax philosophical, mmm . A few things sha:

- When using a compound noun including "I", it's "...and I" not "I and..."

- Include your reader in your philosophical musings. As it is, you appear to be preaching at your reader.

Ishi, you still knock me out with your ability to sweep the reader into your story. This was good

Hm... Noted. Thanks a bunch dear

The Honourable was dressed in a pair of black pants, a pristine white polo shirt stretched over his fair sized paunch,and a green baseball cap jauntily perched on his shiny pate. Ah, yes, the man must have been feeling funky with himself because even as he turned to face me once we were on the move, he was nodding his head to the rocking beat from the car stereo. "Gbedu is booming,oye pumping" as they say in UNILAG.

Yes, the 'oye' was really pumping because the cold interior of the vehicle was such a startling albeit soothing contrast to the sultry environment outside.

Honourable reduced the volume of the music,turned to me and favoured me with a toothy smile.

My eyes were immediately drawn to the teeth.

"How are you?", my date politele enquired.

I used a mental jackhammer to tear my eyes from that truckload of teeth.

{Note to Self: Ishi stop staring at his teeth,its so fuccking rude!!}

"I am fine, sir", I replied through a parched throat. I was really nervous and I wondered what had possessed me to come out to meet this stranger. Could it be that I was dazzled by the convoy? Or perhaps, just perhaps I harboured a subconscious perverse preference for MUCH older men?? I couldn't say, but I kept my mouth shut and my eyes and ears wide open throughout our ride to Ondo town.

He took me to a very classy,quiet little restaurant somewhere in town,but before we got there, he instructed me to never mention to anybody who I was and what I was doing with him. To quote him, "You know I'm a public figure so I have to be careful, you understand?". I replied in the affirmative.

When we got to the restaurant, he parked the van James Bond style and instructed me to wait in the vehicle for five minutes after which someone would come get me. Then he got down and strode to the restaurant and disappeared through the glass doors. After almost fifteen minutes, by which during this time I was critically examining the apalling state of my morals, a man came and motioned for me to come out of the van. This I did and I was escorted into the restaurant. When I was inside, I looked round, expecting to see my date seated in one of the plush seats, but my escort kept on walking, right past the bar, to an inner room.

My host sat grinning expansively when I was ushered in. He was receiving a call, and he turned the grin at my direction as I settled down opposite him. I immediately averted my eyes and glued it to somewhere around the vicinity of his torso. Didn't want to be caught staring at "you know where'' .

While I waited for him to finish the call, I listened in on the conversation. He had been speaking English when I came in but switched to Yoruba so that I wouldn't be able to follow the conversation. He didn't know I was Lagos born, Lagos raised, hence Yoruba by adoption. When I settled down, I immediately tuned my ears to the Eavesdropping Frequency . Despite the dialect being spoken (I think it was Ikale, I can't remember now), I was able to grab the gist of the conversation.

What I heard made my ears pop and sizzle.

He was closing a deal worth millions of naira and while at the same time chastising the other fellow on the line for not completing payment of ten million naira from their last deal.

My ears vibrated non-stop.

So there was so much money in this country?? Unbelievable!

When I saw that he was about to round up the call, I rearranged my features so that my face was calm and composed when he turned back to me. He told me he was speaking to an old friend and catching up on lost time. He had no idea I had understood what he had being saying. Straightfaced,I simply nodded and smiled demurely. He complimented me on my looks and thereafter launched into a long lecture on how public officials are always slandered by the press. I can't remember the details of the story because my mind was spinning. My initial nervousness was all but forgotten and I was coldly strategising on how to make the best use of my association with this man. Something kept shrieking inside me, "Dupe him! Ishi chop and clean mouth!!"

O yeah.

When it came for time to order,I ordered for 'asun' (peppered goat meat) and chilled malt drinks. I would have preferred Smirnoff Ice but I wanted to keep a clear head so that I could remain vigilant.

Ladies,as a rule, never take alcohol when you are with a potential prey because it will mess up your insides and 'ef' up your plans

As I ruthlessly demolished the asun, Honourable commented that I had quite a healthy apetite and perhaps could that account for my statuesque figure? He further stated that he liked plus sized women like me because they offered something to hold on to when they were doing the dirty, not like 'em skinny chicks with pit sized holes in their collar bones who gave no satisfaction. What a lecher.

Despite his suggestive remarks, I had to admit that it was a very pleasant evening. We discussed a range of issues, from politics to the economy, to President Yar Adua's failing health. He was a perfect gentleman,except for when we were about to leave the restaurant and we had to go through the whole secrecy routine again..

When we got Wasimi around 9pm,as I was about to disembark from the vehicle, he unexpectedly squeezed a wad of crispy notes into my hands. I thanked him effusively and got down. He promised to get in touch with me, and after saying goodbye,zoomed off into the bright moonlight.

I hurried to my hut, and ignoring the sight of a rat darting out from under my miserable excuse for a door,I shut myself in,extracted my favourite phone, a then four year old Nokia 1100 phone equipped with a flashlight which I had fondly nicknamed 'Mein Kpalasa' {Mein Kpalasa died two months ago after six years of active service }.

I switched on Mein Kpalasa's torch and counted the crisp new minted 1000naira notes in my hands. My toothy date had given me a cool twenty grand. I couldn't believe my eyes so I recounted it. I am very poor in maths so I thought I must have miscaculated.

Still twenty ton.

I was like, "Shuuuuuuuu,just like that?!!!!" . I was definitely going to hang out with this man again if he called.

The thing is, there is no free lunch. I learnt that in the days that came afterwards. . .

To quote one of my co-readers.

brokoto: O girl continue ya story na. . .abeg na.
*i cant believe i'm begging*

(I absolutely love brokoto's comments )



@Ishilove

It almost feels like the greatest compliment I can pay you is not to compliment at all ----- you know like the 'we are not worthy' emoticon would have been really useful here.



^{One very tiny editorial thing: careful about 'been' for 'being'.}

(obligatory as you know )