dont even know what to title this as - i wrote a while back about the issues i have with my inlaws; well things havent changed - the only difference is my sister in laws have become worse in their attitude to me but discreet about it hence only displaying it to me not my husband; and the other aspect is that my mother in law who used to be nice has become ''different'' to put it lightly.
I am a typical christian nigerian lady with strong views on divorce. I believe in making my marriage work and God knows i have tried to the best of my knowledge.
My home is more or less a house to me now, my husband more like a flatmate and as it stands, we have sex rather than make love.
I have prayed, cried, communicated, gone thru counselling and have reached the point where 'm not interested in communicating, nor praying nor crying nor hoping for a change.
My husband still says he loves me, i have not seen any evidence or have course to believe he cheats - but i feel like 'm been treated like a slave, like an outsider by his family and he doesnt see any thing wrong in their actions but rather says i complain too much and that 'm not tolerant.
I can only say he's been disrespectful to me in front of his family just as his family have been disrespectful to me in his front.
I am not a confrontational person; and every issue i have i speak to him on - but i've lost interest in the marriage, i've lost the will to make it work, and i guess 'm just buying time till 'm strong enough to walk and never look back.
I'm not sure what the future holds especially as our son is (only turned 2 yr few wks back) involved in this marriage that'll be 4 yrs by sept.
I dont know why 'm posting here either as 'm pretty sure a divorce is imminent though not sure my husband sees that coming. I guess 'm still seeking advise to be sure that 've tried all options without a solution before making a life changing decision

i understand how you feel.dont even tink about divorce,better still make him understand what you are feeling ,if he truely loves you take him back to the days when you fisst met.but it should be in a romantic atmosphere,ask for the wisdom of GOD AND WITH THE help of the holyspirit,i know you need counselling,but if you dont mind you can come to my church,i attend cannan land sango otta,peace,

eeyaaaaa,d lord will be ur strength,keep praying to him,dont give up now dat u r at d peak of ur breakthrough

ur prayer should be,God should open ur husbands eyes to see u and know dat u r his priority

I really think you need to sit your husband down and tell him how you feel and stop taking NONSENSE from your husband and inlaws, be confrontational, be bold because i think its time you speak up and say how you feel about the whole thing. The lord will be your strength.

just be strong and God will help u

thank u all for your replies. i have lost the will to make things work. i have lost the will to try. i dont even know if i have any feelings for my husband or not.
to bkplur: i've been a member of winners since when i was 6yrs old. my husband is equally a member though we did not have a church wedding cos i choose not to. - most importantly - we are in diaspora  but we do however watch the services online.
i believe it takes 2 people to get married but 1 to seperate. i cannot fight my husband or inlaws. I dont have the strength to. Mentally, physically and emotionally, i feel drained.
I am tired and God it's hard, but 'm just lost,  'm exhausted u know.
really tired. its nothing like i imagined it would be, nothing i anticipated

tope2000:

I really think you need to sit your husband down and tell him how you feel and stop taking NONSENSE from your husband and inlaws, be confrontational, be bold because i think its time you speak up and say how you feel about the whole thing. The lord will be your strength.

You are right.

i really feel sorry for you but

You say you have lost the will.

What more do you want, go and get your lawyers.

You don't want to try anymore, hope you know that as a Christian

there is no basis of divorce and in the most dire case, only infidelity

and as you hv said, that dosnt seem to be the case.

deejnr:

thank u all for your replies. i have lost the will to make things work. i have lost the will to try. i don't even know if i have any feelings for my husband or not.
to bkplur: i've been a member of winners since when i was 6yrs old. my husband is equally a member though we did not have a church wedding because i choose not to. - most importantly - we are in diaspora  but we do however watch the services online.
i believe it takes 2 people to get married but 1 to seperate. i cannot fight my husband or inlaws. I don't have the strength to. Mentally, physically and emotionally, i feel drained.
I am tired and God it's hard, but 'm just lost,  'm exhausted u know.
really tired. its nothing like i imagined it would be, nothing i anticipated

u need to sit down alone and think sweetheart

ask your heart if you're still inlove wt your hubby,sit yourself down and really think,because u might be saying u don't love him because of the emotional torture you're going through,and u might be saying it because u have lost all hopes

your answer will be d only solution to your prob,if u still love him,give him a little more time ,if u don't well ,i wont say anything but its better not to be married than be in a loveless marriage

You do not owe your sister in laws anything. You need to be confrotational with them. If they try anything stupid with you, you strike back. Tell your husband that since he has decided to do nothing you will do it for him. I am sure he will be able to tell the difference between when you put up with it and now that you will not. The mother in law is kind of a different situation. I always say if you will not do it to your mother do not do it to your mother in law.

I have no problem telling my mother if she is out of line and she has no problem slapping my mouth if I am out of line. So tak eit like that. If you mouth of at your mother in law and she wozzes you a hot slap, you just have to take it. Personally I don't think it is worth it unless of course she is a Jezebel and from what you said she is not.

Don't let your inlaws destroy your marriage. You have not tried everything. I say that because you have never confronted your sister in laws. Let them know that they need to respect you in your house or they should not come back. You are not their maid. When they come to your house, you are the queen and they need to understand that.

They will not understand that unless you show them.

Have you told your husband that his actions and those of his family is causing you not to love him?

I understand where you are but please please please think long and hard before you committ yourself to being a single mom. It is very hard.

My first husband is the father of my children and i would have never guessed that he would have turned his back to his children after we seperated but he did and i was left holding the bag and support all of my children alone. I love my kids with every breath in my body and every pump of blood, but would not have choosen to be a single mom for nothing in the world. I would have choosen to work harder at my marriage and stay there even thou I did not love him anymore. I also like you had the love hate relationship with the inlaws. But one day spoke plainly with my mother in law and let her know that if she did not respect me she would never see her grandkids again. From that day to this I have never had another problem with that woman. I know she does not like me and me likewise but she respects me.

Stand up for yourself and they will back down. I know how you feel I too am non-confrontatal but sometimes you just have to put your foot down and not be a doormat.

I dnt have time, am timeless to go thru all dis story

deerjnr, just dont get pregnant again anytime soon

were his sisters like this before you two got married

i fully support you starting to get more in control of the situation and confrontational, i also feel your pain. i just walked out on a relationship (after proposal) that i had taken years to build when i realised that i was fighting the battle alone and the hostility between i and my future inlaws became worse by the day.  i never raised my voice or confronted them and they would only haboured more resentment and began to treat me like a nobody, down to threats and insults even their house help insulted me and wouldnt even greet me sometimes. well its all in the past now. sometimes even the love can't carry you too especially when the man decides not to defend you or be firm with his folks and simply acts like its your stress and you should trash it out with them your self.

i feel your pain especially since you are already married.

open up to your husband and really talk, then give him condition with your inlaws. if they are presently living with your inlaws, then its about time they took a leave. and if they visit often, start bringing in more home "woman security" i mean "hoarding". if that doesent work, then bring your folks nover to give u moral support and companionship.

don't be unnessesarily confrontational, but be really firm. you must draw the line, and insist on issues when you have to. don't let them intimidate you, because it is your HOME and none others AND THEY ARE NOHING BUT INTRUDERS.

i wish you all the best. and remenber to cast your burdens on CHRIST because he cares for you. don't forget to hang out more with friends because youl be needing them more than ever now.[quote][/quote]

deejnr,

1. Do not think of divorce now, that is what ur inlaws want, if you do it, they have won over you, u gat to fight back.

2. Be more prayerful, take authority on this matter, tell God in the still of the night, exactly what and what u want Him to do about the situation.

2. Sit ur husband down again, and this time around, pour out ur heart to him (with faith in God that his ears would be OPENED to listen and reason with you).

3. Totally ignore ur sisters in law, i know it is hard, but just let whatever they do bother you. continue being nice to them and grow a thick skin against their actions.

4. when ur heart seems troubled, because u really have a high tendency to start thinking of things they do to you, engage in ur hobbies, u could read, draw, write poems, take a stroll out, take ur kid out.

4. Girl, pls make urself happy in any way, do not continue making a mistake of letting these people see u unhappy, cos it will only make them feel like they are winning over you.

5. Deejnr, u married ur husband because u had an assurance that u can make it through thick and thin, and i tell you, you will make it, u've got a lot of people on nairaland who are supporting you morally and in prayers, think about that, dont let this problem weigh you down, you are not alone, you will definitely come back and post some good news on this forum.

“Since the days of John the Baptist, the Kingdom of God has been suffering violence …. And only the violent can take it by force”. My advice?? Don’t give up, it’s your home and make that clear to everybody; your sisters-in-law, mother-in-law and even your husband. What worse could possibly happen?? They will chase you out of your own home?? Me thinks you are not even there in the first place.

Stand up for yourself girl; quit acting like you are helpless – you give them victory by doing that. Since they’ve decided to frustrate your life, its time to frustrate theirs too. I’m sure God will be with you.

hazureal I am sorry but you are wrong. So she should go the rest of her life misreable and unhappy? Your advice is very unfair. She is obviously not a confrotational person and because of that her in laws are walking to and fro in her house like the devil. How can you be so unhappy in your own home? You take the crap everywhere else but when you come HOME you relax. Home to me is like a sanctuary. It is even an extension of the marriage and this story proves it. She feels like her husband cannot protect her nd as such she is losing her love for him. Trust me there is a direct connection to respecting your husband and loving him. If you cannot respect him, the love will eventually die.

This woman is misreable. She did not come here saying I will do this I will do that. I can even hear the hopelessness and you are saying ignore the in laws. Maybe in their homes yes but in her own home. Hell to the nah. What quality of life will she have. I am sorry but that is just slave mentality and you are supposed to enjoy your marriage not endure it.

Outstrip,

1. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion.

2. If u read her previous post, u would know that she saw this coming, and she went ahead with the marriage, so why should she give up now?

3. She needs encouragements now, not angry and rash advices.

Awwwwwwwwww, I'm so sorry.

My advice to you would be therapy or counselling. As Christians, the only legitimate reason for divorce is infidelity. If there's no infidelity, there's no legal spiritual ground to get a divorce on. Try and appeal to his loving side and try to get him into some form of marriage counselling.
If this does not work, then you can divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences.

Just keep praying. God will answer you .

@ haz, no one said you were not entitled to your opinion. You are basically recommeding what she has been trying to no avail. Encouraging her to keep being misreable. Nope. You are wrong but still entitled to your opinion.


@ j-girl. I thought about counselling too since she said that "she" had gone for counselling but did not say if she did it alone or with her husband. If he did then I think he knows exactly how she feels and does not think it is a big deal. It sounds like she went by herself which will not help him understand that his family's behavior might drive his wife away.

Her husband is a coward. This isnt about the sister in laws. What kind of man stands and watches as his witchy sisters make his wife's life so miserable? Cant stand dudes without a backbone. He married her promising to cherish her. Not to sit and stare as she's torn to pieces by his family.
That's why she's fed up with him, he has no respect nor does he care about her happiness which is sad

The Lord is your strength?
Take heart?
Be strong?

You have got to be kidding me?!!!

@ OP
First of all, you need to get yourself away from ALL of them. I’m not talking about divorce but you need some alone time. There is no way you can think rationally when you have these people invading you mental space. I’m sure you have friends. . . except of course you are one of those women who abandoned their friends after marriage, then go to a family’s house. How is you relationship with your parents? Are the typical Naija parents who will tell you to “fi ori gbe?” If they are, I beg you. . . look somewhere else.

Secondly, you need to STEP UP and I don't mean fight or be rude or whatever but you need stop behaving like a woman who didn’t have bride price paid on her head; they didn’t beg him to marry you, now did they? One thing is for sure, YOU and HIM need to talk, my advice, is to do it when you are mentally prepared. I say that because it is very easy for men to convince a muddled mind. Please, please, please don’t let all this talk of love cloud this thing, it’s not about who loves who and who doesn’t. It is about getting the respect due to you as his wife, if he has a problem with that, well then let him marry his sisters.

Third, your son would rather have a HAPPY single mom than a MISERABLE married mom, so please all that talk about thinking of your child is just another form of emotional blackmail. Don’t you get it, how can you pay attention to your child’s needs if you are too busy worrying what some twit of a sister in law is going to say or what she is saying and what she has said or if today’s sex with your hubby is the one you, god forbid, get infected with whatever STD he is bringing from outside? Who has time for that?

Do you know what the most important thing here is? It is not your husband is thinking or what his family thinks or what your family thinks or what will become of your marriage. . . it is YOUR PEACE OF MIND. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, we’ve been programmed to believe the happiness of others (our parents, our husband, our children, and our in-laws) should be happiness enough for us. Give me a break! You are a human being in your own right, demand your happiness. Whatever comes out of your talk with your hubby will determine what you will do next but make sure it is YOUR DECISION not anyone else.


Then Pray. . . yeah, put everything - A place to move to where you will have peace of mind, how long should you be gone for, what to say to your husband and to have a clear mind to make the right, solid decision that will benefit YOU.


I’m sorry but life is too darn short to be saddled with a guy who does not think much of you enough to put your feelings into consideration.

Sisikill:

The Lord is your strength?
Take heart?
Be strong?

You have got to be kidding me?!!!

You forgot "Ask and it shall be given. . . . .etc"

Sisikill:

The Lord is your strength?
Take heart?
Be strong?

You have got to be kidding me?!!!

Lmao seriously. some people are just creepy.

Secondly, you need to STEP UP and I don't mean fight or be rude or whatever but you need stop behaving like a woman who didn’t have bride price paid on her head; they didn’t beg him to marry you, now did they? One thing is for sure, YOU and HIM need to talk, my advice, is to do it when you are mentally prepared. I say that because it is very easy for men to convince a muddled mind. Please, please, please don’t let all this talk of love cloud this thing, it’s not about who loves who and who doesn’t. It is about getting the respect due to you as his wife, if he has a problem with that, well then let him marry his sisters.

*nods* exactly

Ruby_Pearl:

You forgot "Ask and it shall be given. . . . .etc"

Lol, yeah. . . thank you, I was too pissed off.

KarmaMod:

Lmao seriously. some people are just creepy.

I don't get it, honestly I don't. Don't get me wrong. . . I have nothing against prayer but when people use it as an excuse not to be proactive, it gets annoying.

He will slap her - They tell her Pray God changes his mind like he changed Paul's or is it Saul's, whatever on the way to Damascus.

He beats her - They say take heart, the Lord is your strength. Pray the Lord cools his heart like ice water.

He breaks one hand - They tell her prayer is the Key, keep praying that the Lord soften his heart like cotton wool.

He pushes her down the stairs, she breaks her neck and dies - Ha! If only she had prayed very very well for him enough.

Do you notice they keep telling her to pray for him? So what happens, she's too engrossed with praying for him, she misses God's warnings telling her to pack her things and flee from danger fast. fast. . . had she been praying for herself.

Sisikill:

Lol, yeah. . . thank you, I was too pissed off.


I don't get it, honestly I don't. Don't get me wrong. . . I have nothing against prayer but when people use it as an excuse not to be proactive, it gets annoying.

He will slap her - They tell her Pray God changes his mind like he changed Paul's or is it Saul's, whatever on the way to Damascus.

He beats her - They say take heart, the Lord is your strength.  Pray the Lord cools his heart like ice water.

He breaks one hand - They tell her prayer is the Key, keep praying that the Lord soften his heart like cotton wool.

He pushes her down the stairs, she breaks her neck and dies - Ha! If only she had prayed very very well for him enough.

Do you notice they keep telling her to pray for him? So what happens, she's too engrossed with praying for him, she misses God's warnings telling her to  pack her things and flee from danger fast. fast. . . had she been praying for herself.

how r u so sure that she has missed Gods warnings,every relationship will always stand d test of time,that test brings out the real u and puts your heart to action

im not telling her to mve out,neither im i telling her to stay,one thingi knw  is that we all should not conclude just like that,this is marriage that has produced a child,a child that has known a man to be his father and then will be told one day by his mother that 'i am no longer married to daddy"

d poster really needs to think,the only thing is that she has been to soft wt her inlaws from d onset

im saying this because im married,i know what its like to just packout of your husbands house like that,a man that uve shared so many things wt,i wouldnt want my son or daughter to go through d pains of been separated from either one of us,this is emotions we r talking about here

You say she was soft on the inlaws, what would you have suggested she did

KarmaMod:

You say she was  soft on the inlaws, what would you have suggested she did

yes she was soft on the inlaws,its how u present yourself before them,they will take u

nobody wants probs wt inlaws,i don't even pray to have any wt mine toyin,but i give them their respects and inreturn i get mine,one thing i tried to avoid was "over familiarity" that is where most people will get u,when you're too familiar wt them ,the insults will come in(depending on d inlaws sha)


the worst mistake any woman will make is worship her inlaws and make them feel that they did  her a favour by bringing her into their family

MAKE THEM KNOW TOO THAT YOU DID THEIR BROTHER A FAVOUR BY MARRYING HIM AND WATCH THEM EAT OUT OF YOUR PALMS

rampant:

yes she was soft on the inlaws,its how u present yourself before them,they will take u

nobody wants probs wt inlaws,i don't even pray to have any wt mine toyin,but i give them their respects and inreturn i get mine,one thing i tried to avoid was "over familiarity" that is where most people will get u,when you're too familiar wt them ,the insults will come in(depending on d inlaws sha)


the worst mistake any woman will make is worship her inlaws and make them feel that they did her a favour by bringing her into their family

MAKE THEM KNOW TOO THAT YOU DID THEIR BROTHER A FAVOUR BY MARRYING HIM AND WATCH THEM EAT OUT OF YOUR PALMS

damn right

rampant:

the worst mistake any woman will make is worship her inlaws and make them feel that they did her a favour by bringing her into their family

MAKE THEM KNOW TOO THAT YOU DID THEIR BROTHER A FAVOUR BY MARRYING HIM AND WATCH THEM EAT OUT OF YOUR PALMS

lol and how does one do that? You know how families are. "oh she's too pompous, she doesnt even regard me. then the husband to be with hear that bullshit, the mother too will yarn her own and everyone makes you out like some arrogant tart

KarmaMod:

lol and how does one do that? You know how families are. "oh she's too pompous, she doesnt even regard me. then the husband to be with hear that bullshit, the mother too will yarn her own and everyone makes you out like some arrogant tart

Look at the one that is nice [the poster] and have regards for them what do they do victimise her
So to be honest if i sense my inlaws dont like me or they are pretending or faking to like me infront of my husband then ill rather keep my distance talk to my husband about it, let them they think i am pompous as long as im not rude to them then that is their headache