KarmaMod:

lol and how does one do that? You know how families are. "oh she's too pompous, she doesnt even regard me. then the husband to be with hear that bullshit, the mother too will yarn her own and everyone makes you out like some arrogant tart

you're right,but when you're trying to create this impression,make sure u always do it wt smiles on your face,its all about wisdom karma


it depends on d  family u go into toyin,u don't really have to do it in a rude manner,do it wt smiles on your face,and at d same time don't get too familiar wt them,sm will not agree wt u,but pretend before u

the most important thing,is letting your hubby know that you're doing him a favour to even answer his last name,during courtship don't let him know that you're desperate for marriage,infact if its impossible to refuse his first proposal do so,i tell u that the day u will finally agree,this guy will report back to his family,and tell themhow difficult this girl was,infact d way they will take u from dat day,they will worship u like queen elizabeth

let me see any inlaw that will tell me rubbish,thunder will fire that person

rampant:

how r u so sure that she has missed Gods warnings,every relationship will always stand d test of time,that test brings out the real u and puts your heart to action

im not telling her to mve out,neither im i telling her to stay,one thingi knw is that we all should not conclude just like that,this is marriage that has produced a child,a child that has known a man to be his father and then will be told one day by his mother that 'i am no longer married to daddy"

d poster really needs to think,the only thing is that she has been to soft wt her inlaws from d onset

im saying this because im married,i know what its like to just packout of your husbands house like that,a man that uve shared so many things wt,i wouldnt want my son or daughter to go through d pains of been separated from either one of us,this is emotions we r talking about here

I wasn't talking about this particular case, I was talking in general about how women are told to keep praying for their husbands despite the fact she has one leg in the grave.

I believe if we pray and open our ears, we can hear His voice, directing our path, I believe He warns us about future dangers. . . I mean we've all heard stories and testimonies where people say they were about to drive one way but something told them to go another way and later they found out there was shooting on the other road or they were gonna take a flight but "one mind" was telling them to change it and they did only to find out the first flight changed, so why not in a marriage situation?

The fact that a man is someone's husband does not mean he can't cause her harm physically, mentally and spiritually and my hope is that if I were in a situation like that and I am Prayerful, God will tell me "Pack your bags and run 4-40. Do not pass go, do not collect $200" Yes God does not like Divorce but I believe His love for His children and wanting them to be safe from harm takes precedence over divorce.

Another mistake, In my opinion, that people make is thinking Divorcing a Spouse means divorcing your child or falling out of love with a spouse means falling out of love with a child and this is where the telling a child "I'm no longer married to daddy" becomes an issue. I don't think a child will care about a piece of paper as long as he still feels loved by both parents. A man who always does anything in his power to make sure he spends time with his children will always do so, regardless of what happens and a man who doesn't won't. . . It's as simple as that.

I have heard so many stories where people say they would rather their parents had divorced instead of staying together and bringing them up in HELL. I think I would rather my child heard "I'm no longer married to daddy" than the fights and the lovely things that comes with it.


Please I note that i am not talking about your usual marital ups and downs, I understand those come and not expecting it will be naive. No, what I am talking about is problem so deep, one party in the marriage is beginning to hate life, not even motivated to do anything at all. I'm sorry but to me, that is a fate worse than death.

The truly sad part about all of this is there is no doubt in my mind her husband was very much like this. . . I mean dismissive of her feelings, her wants, her needs, her thoughts when they were dating and if she had opened her eyes instead of letting it be blinded by the "I love yous" she would have seen it. Still, it's not too late. . . that's what I say.

Get me sisikill,im not telling her to stay in her marriage,all im saying is that thousands of people have gone through worst cases and survived it well,while sm didnt

look it gets too a time when a man will quarell wt his wife and its like shes going crazy ,she wants to walk out,but smtimes its like a challeng on your part,and you're like why can't i make this thing work(for those that work out anyways)

marriage is not a bed of roses,u will meet tough challenges,this is when u rely on a friend(like osisi once said) a friend u will cry on his/her shoulder,somone that will encourage u

u don't just run away from your responsibilty just like that because of so big a misunderstanding between u and your inlaws

like i said earlier on,d poster needs to sit down and think, u know ask her herself sm questions if she still loves this man,yes she might be saiyng she does not love him,i don't expect less from her,but one thing we should know is that her feelings or emotions are corrupt and polluted right now that she canot think str8,neither does she know what to do

i wont tell her to make a hasty decision,because she might regret it in life,all she need do is calm herself down and think properly

listen to me,concerning the child,this guy has grown up to be wt mummy and daddy everyday,its going to be so difficult for him to end up wt one person just like that,look children have witnessed daddy and mummys fights before,they seen them quarelling,sm kids even make them reconcile

look,a child whilst growing up,will surely witness a quarell between his/ father and mother,that is the simple truth



i hate been intimidated,i want to be the one intimidating them,i want to laff d last laff,i don't want to run away like a chicken


my dear , if u find yourself in such a situation(which God forbids) i swear u wont even know what to do,it is when u wear d shoe  u will know how it hurts

the poster is too soft on her inlaws,shes just too soft on them so if they insult her she deserves it,how can my inlaws be talking to me anyhow and im keeping quiet like a zombie?even if my hubby does not talk,what on this freaking earth happend to my mouth?

Sometimes, i look at this thing they call marriage and believe me, i wonder if it is worth all those trouble. I think it is better for her to be confrontational with her inlaws. To me, marriage is not by force. In this part of the world where i live in, it isnt a do or die affair like the way Nigerians feel it is. That's why i always like to be independent. I dont just like the idea of some inlaws treating another person like shit, all in the name of being married. I will rather prefer to be a single mother, than accept it. I once had a friend in Nigeria who couldnt continue enduring all what her inlaws had been doing to her, especially her mother-in-law. Guess what she did one day, she got a nice plank, locked the door and flogged her mother-in-law till she begged and promised never to interfere with her life again. Of course, she knew she wasnt going back to her matrimonial home anymore. Good riddance to bad rubbish! It is quite unfortunate that deejnr is going through all this. I wish her all the best in whatever decision she decides to take. If she ever needs a place to stay to get away from all the madness, she can always get across to me at anytime (that's if she is in England).

I wonder why you people persist in writing essays. Oluwa dara sha!

My dear sister woman, its a tough situation you got here but then wanting it easy is the loosers delight. The earlier you make and take the right decision the better for you, your son and even your husband. Giving this opinion aches but what can i say, i am annonymous and can say whatever i like.
A whole lot of the good folks here have given some really serious perspective to this case and mine will mirror some of these.

Do you/can you still love him? In your heart of hearts, is that God thing called love, dead and buried? Can the miracle of resurection occur? Is there a flicker of hope?
Are you ready for what it takes to go solo? Who gets the kid? Can you bear it not being you and if you, can you cope? At least its just one child,yeah?
Is it worth fighting for? even if for what once was, for the kid, for what can/could have been, for the kid, for yourself?Have you done everything possible to avoid the supposed inevitable?
There are more of these questions, write them down on a pad, find a solitary place with a mind devoid of any interference  then with godly and brutal honesty go about answering them. Whatever answers you come up with will guide you.
I see and suggest that you give a time frame (1,2,3 months? its up to you) to give it one last effort with all the fight thats in you, brooking no resistance from husband or inlaws(in particular). Its your life and home you want to reclaim here. You gats to do this with all sincerity and strength in you. At the end of your appointed time you will then assess the result of your efforts, if its been worth it. Yes you keep at it, No? then its time to move on to plan B, seperation, not divorce. Keep in mind that you will have made contigency plans, not because you are negative or pessimistic but we are being realistic here.
Its at this point of this depressing scenario i do not know what to do after seperation cos i am wishing it would not get to that.

For all my ranting is worth, all i would say is Best wishes and God speed.

@ Rampant
Lol, oh no! I think there's a small misunderstanding here. I get you, honestly I do. I never said you are telling her to stay in the marriage. If you read my first post on this issue, you'll see that I'm not advocating divorce for OP either.

After my first post, I kinda segued into more general talk about women and how they are told to keep praying that God changes their husbands minds, instead of praying for their own safety, peace of mind and asking God to help them make the right decision. Again, I am not advocating just up and leaving everytime there's a slight problem, that's why I specifically said I'm talking about situations where the other party is beginning to feel life is not worth leaving and they are not motivated into doing anything at all and they feel they are in prison. . . to me this is a fate worse than death.

I'm sorry if my post sounded like was accusing you of something coz I wasn't.

Ruby_Pearl:

I wonder why you people persist in writing essays. Oluwa dara sha!

I wonder not why dim wits find difficulty in comprehending simple essays.

Sisikill:

@ Rampant
Lol, oh no! I think there's a small misunderstanding here. I get you, honestly I do. I never said you are telling her to stay in the marriage. If you read my first post on this issue, you'll see that I'm not advocating divorce for OP either.

After my first post, I kind of segued into more general talk about women and how they are told to keep praying that God changes their husbands minds, instead of praying for their own safety, peace of mind and asking God to help them make the right decision. Again, I am not advocating just up and leaving everytime there's a slight problem, that's why I specifically said I'm talking about situations where the other party is beginning to feel life is not worth leaving and they are not motivated into doing anything at all and they feel they are in prison. . .  to me this is a fate worse than death.

I'm sorry if my post sounded like was accusing you of something because I wasn't.

naaaa,no probs,i guess i misunderstood u,but its ok,sorrry too

women of nowdays don't know how to submit to their husbands any more.


divorce is not the solution, except you want your child to come from a broken home.


Before you got marrid to your husband, you should have seen it comming

The Joker:

I wonder not why dim wits find difficulty in comprehending simple essays.

Is this another way of telling us you don't understand the essays?

LiquidMind:

women of nowdays don't know how to submit to their husbands any more.


divorce is not the solution, except you want your child to come from a broken home.

d men should also make their wives their priority and learn to respect them,when a man does not respect a woman ,what does he expect her to do?

rampant:

naaaa,no probs,i guess i misunderstood u,but its ok,sorrry too

LiquidMind:

women of nowdays don't know how to submit to their husbands any more.


divorce is not the solution, except you want your child to come from a broken home.


Before you got marrid to your husband, you should have seen it comming

Men of nowadays don't know how to love their wives like they love themselves any more.

Maltreating your wife is not a solution, except you want your child to come from a broken home.

See what coming I beg you, tell me? The inconsideration? The Misery? The Helplessness? Lack of respect and love? The crying, the fear? Is that what she should have seen coming? Well if that's what you meant, then I concede this point to you. You are so right, how could she not have seen it coming?

The silly girl, how much do you want to bet, she had her head in the clouds, thinking of love, respect, adoration, compromise, consideration, happiness, laughter, peace and friendship from the man she married.

LiquidMind:

women of nowdays don't know how to submit to their husbands any more.

She should submit to a husband that cant protect his wife from his horrible sisters? You must be drunk

i can only say thank u to everyone who has given their opinion on what they feel should happen - but to address a few points here.
I am not a confrontational person and do not believe in confronting my inlaws over any issue. and thats because before we got married, my husband said any issues i had with his people, i should relay it to him and he'll inturn deal with it accordingly and so based on such boundaries i cannot confront them even if i want to _ i hope that answers liquidmind's comment on submission because if i wasnt submissive i would not obey the rules laid down by my husband even when he hasnt fulfilled his own side of the bargain.
second reason why i cannot confront them is my mum has always said never start battles u cannot win - hence i see no reason in confronting them when i know my husband would not support me.
and as much as i aint happy with everything thats happening, i dont think i should fight for my marriage, i believe its OUR marriage and if any battles must be fought, they should be fought together as thats the only way there'll be a certainty of victory.
And yes, my MIL is staying with us over here so its really hard even at home
To the issue of i should've seen it coming, unfortunately, i never saw anything coming, u may say love is blind; well i dont know much about that - and to those who think i was desperate for marriage, well no i never was . I'm graduated at 19y, got married shortly before i turned 20yr, and definately was searching much more desperate for a husband nor did i marry due to pregnancy as none of such issues applied to me at the time.
I got married cos i felt it was the right thing to do at the time. I had graduated, i already had a job and was doing a PhD (PT) as well at the time. My Husband as well was equally comfortable and was more into the ''been married'' club that i was.
I would not consider myself a friendly nor snobbish person but would rather say 'm reserved and quiet, so there never was an issue of familiarity with my inlaws at least not to my knowledge.
The counselling i went for, i went alone and not to a regular counsellor but to a catholic counsellor cos i felt any guidance i seek should be Godly; to those who say i should pray, i cannot pray not because i dont believe in prayers but because i am tired of praying.
I still dont know what to do, i guess 've reached a point where 'm in a shutdown phase where even if any changes are made now, its not going to rectify the damage already done, the trust already lost, the hurts already caused.
I guess what it comes down to is that i feel i've been lied to by my husband, promises made broken, vows made not honoured.
But whatever happens, whatever steps i take from here i dont know, whatever suggestions added to this post will still be much appreciated as others - i will however keep u posted when i do arrive at my decision

Im sorry about your sister, deejnr.

Does your family know about how you currently feel?

while your mom is right that you shouldnt pick battles you cant win, IF your family is willing to help out, you surely will win.

At this point my advice is to begin to prepare yourself for life as a single mom.

Stay long enough to gather 6 months of living expenses. And begin to build your support system. Find a place to stay or ask a family member if you and your son can move in. Save for a lawyer and just buckle down.

Let me tell you being a single mom is hard hard work. It is not for the faint at heart. Running your own house is alot easier than being a single mom. There are no days off, there are no breaks, there is no pay or overtime compensation. But the smile on your childs face is one that cant be replaced.

if you are not working now you will need to find a job and a babysitter. Please dont count on your ex-husband to support the child or be there. If he is then that is a bonus, if not then you have prepared yourself for it.

Let me tell you from experience no matter how much he is there for his son now, when you separate that may all change.

My Ex-husband was attached to the hip with his kids and when we separated he turned his back. In the 6 years since we separated he has seen his children 3 times and stops paying childsupport about every 6 months. They can quickly turn into men that you dont even recognize.

I wish you the best of luck. My YIM is listed on my profile and if you need some help, words of advice or a ear to listen hit me up.

i wish you the best in what ever it is that you decide.

@poster
was it this way before u got marid or did this aggression start after u got marid? sometimes friend we think we r faced wit the baddest cases on planet earth but take a second look and babe dere's a way out, if it was after u got marid sit urself down, and look at it properly; it cud be a fault from u or from ur husband which his family wud rather blame you for. If it was before marriage then u shud have backed out long ago on one condition, that ur husband was dat way or showed these signs he's exhibiting. One thing wit dese scenarios is dat u're the only one tellin the story but if another affected party shud say his/her own side i'm sure u wudnt be a pretty saint as such. I advise u to maintain a win-win situation havin in mind that marriage is an institution, may not be all comfy , but u 'learn' to adjust, may not be all 'sexy' as u read in all dose romance books, but u make it dat way, remember u cud be d one wit the problem. Godbless u and neva stop prayin cos wen such times like dese come, only prayers are very effective.

@Poster,
My sister passed through the same trial and she won by the grace of God.

If you can truly pray, then you can win this battle.

You have to really have faith in God.
Your faith will be your strength.

God will remove any of them who is not repentant and do not feel sorry for them when God does this.

You have to retreat for a while and pray according to Psalm 109 and rest your case with God.
If God does not answer your prayer, let me know.

I believe that God will silence every enemy and every liar attacking you.

I have gone down on my knees for my younger sister and God intervened.

You will look for those who were against you, and you shall see them no more.

God will give you peace of mind and victory.

LEST I FORGET, THE ONLY WAY TO PLEASE GOD IS BY SAYING THE TRUTH.

You must not lie against anyone of them.

If you are as guilty as anyone of them, you will also face the wrath of God except you repent.

The only solution that can save them is REPENTANCE.

after prayer then what?

Can people start proposing SOME ACTION with these calls of being prayerful?

KarmaMod:

after prayer then what?

Can people start proposing SOME ACTION with these calls of being prayerful?

after prayer she should hold her peace

Prayer works.

My sister's case was worse than what I have read so far.

She had to go for neurosurgery overseas and God saved her life.
Even after surgery, they were still attacking her and finally after they refused to repent, I had to ask Daddy to do what He alone can do. And God did it.

Only God can do this.
Even the church may fail, but God will not fail.

deejnr:

.
and as much as i aint happy with everything thats happening, i don't think i should fight for my marriage, i believe its OUR marriage and if any battles must be fought, they should be fought together as thats the only way there'll be a certainty of victory.

what?and  u claim to be a christian?sorry but u know nothing

there comes a time or a period in a mans life,when he is so bleeping weak,that its only the woman that can revive him

same goes to a woman too

all battles r not fought together

Pele sister, this is one situation where i support a woman can leave her home. If the husband is truly repentant and ready to make things work he will come looking for you if not its about time to start a new life on your own.
Some men are spineless, too bad but such is life.

To those saying she shld pray . . . the Lord didnt pray to get the merchants out of the temple, He flogged them well with koboko.

davidylan:

Pele sister, this is one situation where i support a woman can leave her home. If the husband is truly repentant and ready to make things work he will come looking for you if not its about time to start a new life on your own.
Some men are spineless, too bad but such is life.

To those saying she shld pray . . . the Lord didnt pray to get the merchants out of the temple, He flogged them well with koboko.

u people should look at it from diff views

wt d way jazzes and co dey happen for nigeria,i wouldnt be surprised if the man has been caged wt one

prayers work seriously,they r sm battles that r spiritual while some r physical

u of all people should know better dan this david

davidylan:

Pele sister, this is one situation where i support a woman can leave her home. If the husband is truly repentant and ready to make things work he will come looking for you if not its about time to start a new life on your own.
Some men are spineless, too bad but such is life.

To those saying she shld pray . . . the Lord didnt pray to get the merchants out of the temple, He flogged them well with koboko.

I agree. If she shows to her husband that she's not gonna take his spineless nonsense anymore, maybe then he'll wake up and remember that he's supposed to potect his wife and not leave her for his family to feast on. That's why I asked if her family is willing to help out.

Orikinla, i didnt say that she shouldnt pray. Im aksing you, what is she to do AFTER PRAYING. In the midst of all the prayers, does she just sit and look, take bthe insults in her matrimonial home, what?

As at present, we are only hearing her own sde of the story.

As I said, she has to be truthful if she wants God to intervene.

Two wrongs cannot make a right.

If truly she is innocent and her marriage is holy, she will survive and win.


The fact is, the circumstances of the marriage will be addressed.
The backgrounds of the relationship and courtship will be addressed.

Were they living in sin before marriage?
Were there other women who were interested in her man before marriage.

In Africa, when we marry, we are also married to the in-laws.

I have never wanted to marry an African and never thought of it until 2006 and only because I love her.

I hate domestic issues in marriage.
They are too petty for me and beneath me.

When I am discussing more logical and global issues of life, when will I have the time for petty issues with in-laws.

I intervened in my sisiter's trial, because our parents are late and no uncle or aunt is nearby and I had to leave Lagos to Bonny Island to save my sister's marriage when her in-laws threatened to kill her.
They even threatened her husband.

I never saw devils before until I met my in-laws.

The fact is when my sisiter married 14 years ago, I did not bother about her matrimonial problems until her life was threatened.

It is better and safer to remain single and happy than to marry and be unhappy.

I do not envy many married couples.

Constant nagging and quarreling.
No peace of mind!

My sister had hypertension.
I thank God she has survived and now enjoying a peaceful marriage.

rampant:

u people should look at it from diff views

wt d way jazzes and co dey happen for nigeria,i wouldnt be surprised if the man has been caged wt one

prayers work seriously,they r sm battles that r spiritual while some r physical

u of all people should know better dan this david

No one is saying she shld not pray, infact prayer is usually the first resort BUT we also have brains too and the ability to reason. There is a time for prayer, there is also a time to be proactive . . . when Christ healed the man sick of the palsy He didnt just tell His friends to carry him back on the stretcher and continue rubbing his legs with prayer . . . He said "STAND UP AND WALK".

If she were being physically abused will you tell her to stick with it and continue praying? Making a move to leave the marriage shld spur her husband to action if indeed he truly loved and cared for her.

davidylan:

If she were being physically abused will you tell her to stick with it and continue praying? Making a move to leave the marriage shld spur her husband to action if indeed he truly loved and cared for her.

*nods* I agree. It's by his actions, she'll know whether it's worth fighting for.

if your husband does not have his own will, then you should not have married him in the first place.

davidylan:

No one is saying she shld not pray, infact prayer is usually the first resort BUT we also have brains too and the ability to reason. There is a time for prayer, there is also a time to be proactive . . . when Christ healed the man sick of the palsy He didnt just tell His friends to carry him back on the stretcher and continue rubbing his legs with prayer . . . He said "STAND UP AND WALK".

If she were being physically abused will you tell her to stick with it and continue praying? Making a move to leave the marriage shld spur her husband to action if indeed he truly loved and cared for her.

i know,but there r some battles we fight in life that r spiritual

im not telling her to stay either,but she has to settle her emotions first before doing anything,i only feel for her child im not bothered about her

sorry to say this,but she put herself in this mess so let her swallow it all

right from d days of courtship ,her sisterinlaws made life a living hell for her,and her husband was also siding them,since she saw all this things why on earth did she go ahead wt d  marriage in d first instance?

that was why i asked her if she was desperate or sthg,because i can't imagine myself marrying my husband when i knw his sisters does not like me,and he takes sides wt them always

now everything has escalated to this level shes crying for help

i feel for her son,a child that is used to both parents will one day be separated from one