So I’m hoping the experienced folks here can help shed light on this topic, as it seems to be a very real issue in many families, please tell us how best you think one can deal with a man that sides with his family over almost everything. It’s like they can do no wrong in his eyes, even when he seems not to agree entirely with what they’ve done, you are still left with feeling like, he’s siding with them, and more than siding with them, is that he gets angry when you try to point out how badly behaved they are, have been or were, as the case maybe.

We’d love to read especially from the men , seeing as most Nigerian men like to take sides with their family(sisters and mothers mostly) over their SO. Not that I believe that there are or should be sides , but what do you do call it, when that’s exactly what you are seeing happen?

Then we have to learn to fight our own battles "alone" - some you fight some you leave for another day.

Yes we love to side with our families,like you females do so it's nothing new.
If say you are my wife and your brother comes to our house to steal stuff without my knowledge and you find out,will you tell me?
Or should I leave my mum and support yours?
There are some topics that shouldn't be up for debate in the first place.

Logobenz2:
Yes we love to side with our families,like you females do so it's nothing new.
If say you are my wife and your brother comes to our house to steal stuff without my knowledge and you find out,will you tell me?
Or should I leave my mum and support yours?
There are some topics that shouldn't be up for debate in the first place.

How exactly shouldn’t it be up for debate? So if your mum is being mean to your wife, it’s not debatable to side with her(your mum)?

I don’t understand all these Nigerian men.

armyofone:
Then we have to learn to fight our own battles "alone" - some you fight some you leave for another day.

What an exhaustingly excruciating unhappy life that will be.

freecocoa:
So I’m hoping the experienced folks here can help shed light on this topic, as it seems to be a very real issue in many families, please tell us how best you think one can deal with a man that sides with his family over almost everything. It’s like they can do no wrong in his eyes, even when he seems not to agree entirely with what they’ve done, you are still left with feeling like, he’s siding with them, and more than siding with them, is that he gets angry when you try to point out how badly behaved they are, have been or were, as the case maybe.

We’d love to read especially from the men , seeing as most Nigerian men like to take sides with their family(sisters and mothers mostly) over their SO. Not that I believe that there are or should be sides , but what do you do call it, when that’s exactly what you are seeing happen?

This is because as always, the typical Nigerian doesn't understand nor practice oneness in marriage.

If the couple is one, you would see our family and not your father, my mother. Therefore, there is no side to choose.

It is us with our family combined. Every act of the family (couple and in laws) is not viewed through a lense of bias.

The individual families also learn to respect the couple and step back except absolutely necessary.

Again, most families are given the leverage to interfere when the couple do not behave themselves in the first place.

Well life they say is no bed of roses.

freecocoa:
What an exhaustingly excruciating unhappy life that will be.

freecocoa:
How exactly shouldn’t it be up for debate? So if your mum is being mean to your wife, it’s not debatable to side with her(your mum)?

I don’t understand all these Nigerian men.

well,I will advise my wife to ignore her since she doesn't provide nor cater for our family but using it as an excuse to be rude or violent to her?nah!
If she does,she just earned herself a reason for me to be very very aggressive around the house.
Once more,ignore.

The Bible says, 'for this reason shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife'.
Well a man(not a grown male) knows how to deal with his family when he is married.His family ought also to respect their space.
In a lot of wedding receptions,parents are admonished to let their marrying children have their own space and grow together.

Unfortunately,these things are set while growing and at the stage of maturity(before marriage).You can't change a mummy's boy.
If the foundations are not well laid,I'm afraid it will never change.It's like a house without a proper foundation.You will see the result on the walls.

freecocoa:
How exactly shouldn’t it be up for debate? So if your mum is being mean to your wife, it’s not debatable to side with her(your mum)?

I don’t understand all these Nigerian men.

It's not a Nigerian men thing.It's your hubby that is the issue.That's why the maturity of a bachelor is a strong factor to look out for before marriage.How he handles his affairs without necessarily waiting for his parents/family.

freecocoa:
What an exhaustingly excruciating unhappy life that will be.

In your opinion.

People are not the same, why do Nigerians find this so hard to understand?

bukatyne:


This is because as always, the typical Nigerian doesn't understand nor practice oneness in marriage.

If the couple is one, you would see our family and not your father, my mother. Therefore, there is no side to choose.

It is us with our family combined. Every act of the family (couple and in laws) is not viewed through a lense of bias.

The individual families also learn to respect the couple and step back except absolutely necessary.

Again, most families are given the leverage to interfere when the couple do not behave themselves in the first place.

Hmmm, so basically, nothing can be done about this then.

nairalandposter:


In your opinion.

People are not the same, why do Nigerians find this so hard to understand?

Which one is people are not the same in this issue now? So you know anyone that likes being sided against all of the time?

Such happens only when a woman is dealing with an unconscientious man. Conscientiousness is the major hallmark of loyalty, faithfulness and goodness in general. So, I don't see reason any responsible woman - one with options anyway - will enter into a relationship/union with an unconscientious man in the first place.

A man (or woman) who can't stand for that which is just, at any given time, doesn't deserve respect/close relationship of another person (others) who's sane.

armyofone:
Well life they say is no bed of roses.

Lol, man I’m not finding the comments here funny o, it’s looking like a hopeless situation.

freecocoa:
Hmmm, so basically, nothing can be done about this then.

Marry the right man with the right mindset towards marriage.

Logobenz2:
well,I will advise my wife to ignore her since she doesn't provide nor cater for our family but using it as an excuse to be rude or violent to her?nah!
If she does,she just earned herself a reason for me to be very very aggressive around the house.
Once more,ignore.

Hmmm, how can one ignore all of that? I mean, your wife has to deal with your mum, she just has to, expecting her to constantly ignore unfairness is not a very loving thing to do, and then threatening to get angry if her human side eventually shows, is just heartbreaking to say the least.

LordKO:
Such happens only when a woman is dealing with an unconscientious man. Conscientiousness is the major hallmark of loyalty, faithfulness and goodness in general. So, I don't see reason any responsible woman - one with options anyway - will enter into a relationship/union with an unconscientious man in the first place.

A man (or woman) who can't stand for that which is just, at any given time, doesn't deserve respect/close relationship of another (others) who're sane.

I’ll say. Thank you for this comment.

bukatyne:


Marry the right man with the right mindset towards marriage.

I guess this settles it but still, one is never always sure I’ll say.

I guess this means that people who already find themselves in these situations, have no option but to live with it.

thorpido:
The Bible says, 'for this reason shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife'.
Well a man(not a grown male) knows how to deal with his family when he is married.His family ought also to respect their space.
In a lot of wedding receptions,parents are admonished to let their marrying children have their own space and grow together.

Unfortunately,these things are set while growing and at the stage of maturity(before marriage).You can't change a mummy's boy.
If the foundations are not well laid,I'm afraid it will never change.It's like a house without a proper foundation.You will see the result on the walls.
It's not a Nigerian men thing.It's your hubby that is the issue.

Its not my hubby bros.

Meanwhile, I think it’s very common with most Nigerian men.

freecocoa:
Hmmm, how can one ignore all of that? I mean, your wife has to deal with your mum, she just has to, expecting her to constantly ignore unfairness is not a very loving thing to do, and then threatening to get angry if her human side eventually shows, is just heartbreaking to say the least.

I know it's heart breaking but it's the truth.
How does someone that doesn't live nor provide for us be unfair to us or the wife?
She stays somewhere else to start with,so how hard can it be to ignore a person that is unfair whom you don't see everyday?
Or will you be ok if your mom treats me UNFAIR and I begin to banter or drag with her?
Like I said,there is no point arguing this because no real man will side you to castigate his mom,whether she is right or not!harsh reality.
Some will come here and start typing feminine epistles but dare retaliate or counter their mothers and deal with the consequences.
Once more,ignore for peace to reign in your home or better still,pretend

freecocoa:
Its not my hubby bros.

Meanwhile, I think it’s very common with most Nigerian men.

Okay o.
Yes,it's very common around here.The culture and the extended family set-up.
However,it has to do with training and how one grows up.

Not all.
I have seen cases where men are diffusers, neutral and when pressed in a very tight corner, will take his wife's side.

Marriage, if u cough, it will be misinterpreted. Common cough u can cough any how in your father's house

freecocoa:
Hmmm, how can one ignore all of that? I mean, your wife has to deal with your mum, she just has to, expecting her to constantly ignore unfairness is not a very loving thing to do, and then threatening to get angry if her human side eventually shows, is just heartbreaking to say the least.

What's with the fake sentiment and excessive emotional tugging at people's heartstrings?

When this happens all the time on nairaland , a habit they extended to real life, did you complain or note what you're suddenly noticing now?


Just asking, dont catch feelings and no offence.

It is especially if you marry someone who really dosen't love you...na big cross o. Really sad because the sister you picked over your wife will have her own husband and family. Mother has lived her life....really it's tough for whoever is in such relationship!

freecocoa:
Lol, man I’m not finding the comments here funny o, it’s looking like a hopeless situation.

I don't know about others but i firmly believe i should come first in your life and you come first in mine above all else! If there are little kids, they come first!

freecocoa:
I guess this settles it but still, one is never always sure I’ll say.

I guess this means that people who already find themselves in this situations, have no option but to live with it.

freecocoa:
So I’m hoping the experienced folks here can help shed light on this topic, as it seems to be a very real issue in many families, please tell us how best you think one can deal with a man that sides with his family over almost everything. It’s like they can do no wrong in his eyes, even when he seems not to agree entirely with what they’ve done, you are still left with feeling like, he’s siding with them, and more than siding with them, is that he gets angry when you try to point out how badly behaved they are, have been or were, as the case maybe.

We’d love to read especially from the men , seeing as most Nigerian men like to take sides with their family(sisters and mothers mostly) over their SO. Not that I believe that there are or should be sides , but what do you do call it, when that’s exactly what you are seeing happen?

Chai this is one of my biggest fears.

A man controlled by his family.
A mummy's boy.


Even if the mother tells him to take a second wife will do so without question.

That is how most Nigerian men are.
Apologies to the ones that understand the concept of marriage and oneness.

They spend so much time loving their mothers, that you begin to think they are trying to compensate for their father's inadequacy.

Anyway, I have a simple way of identifying them.

pocohantas:
That is how most Nigerian men are.
Apologies to the ones that understand the concept of marriage and oneness.

They spend so much time loving their mothers, that you begin to think they are tryig to compensate for their father's inadequacy

Anyway, I have a simple way of identifying them.

Biko, I don't want to laugh.

Paxie55:

Biko, I don't want to laugh.

But it's true.

Then the sons of the neglected wives become small husbands and the wife crying for her husband's attention in her youth becomes a monster - in - law and the cycle continues.

bukatyne:



But it's true.

Then the sons of the neglected wives become small husbands and the wife crying for her husband's attention in her youth becomes a monster - in - law and the cycle continues.

So true!

Logobenz2:
well,I will advise my wife to ignore her since she doesn't provide nor cater for our family but using it as an excuse to be rude or violent to her?nah!
If she does,she just earned herself a reason for me to be very very aggressive around the house.
Once more,ignore.

That's not a way to go about marriage. A wife is not a girlfriend. You are meant to protect your wife and make her comfortable. Some families see a wife as an intruder that just came in to cut short their enjoyment and benefits from their son and brother.

A wise man will make sure that both wife and mother are ok. Though, when you get married, your wife becomes your priority.

ImaIma1:


That's not a way to go about marriage. A wife is not a girlfriend. You are meant to protect your wife and make her comfortable. Some families see a wife as an intruder that just came in to cut short their enjoyment and benefits from their son and brother.

A wise man will make sure that both wife and mother are ok. Though, when you get married, your wife becomes your priority.

and my mom becomes whose priority?