safe sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

And have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
Big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
After dinner, she would like to go out and make love
For the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
Before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
Some condoms. 

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and Sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
Condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
Pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
Thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
House and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
So excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
Where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
Offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
With his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
Girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
Boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
Father was a pharmacist."

Why females should avoid a girl night out after they are married.
If this does not make you laugh out loud,you have lost your sense
of humour.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.I promise
well the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3am a bit loaded I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall way started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake
up.I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for comeing up with such a quick-witted solution in order
to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Ecen when totally smashed 3 cuckoo plus 9 cuckoo totals =12 cuckoos Midnight)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in.
I told him "Midnight" he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew I got away with that one! Then he said "we need a new cuckoo clock
When I asked him why he said well last night out clock cuckooed 3 times then said
Oh shit "Cuckoo 4 more times, cleared its throat cuckooed another 3 times
giggled cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Rotflmao

gabby i love u 4 this one can't stop LMAO and to the other ones really nice jokes

3



i love u gabby,
u b a real cool baby,





nice one

hmmm

Heheh. Thanks guys. I have another one but dont have much time to type. I'll type when I'm free. See ya.

I'll be waiting 4 ya. . . .

Ok, I have one.

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow,

u can come milk me, anytime baby

Eww,

Hey you guys wanna hear the real facts about men?

one of my favorite jokes, Oldie, but still bring tears to my eyes

gabrywyl:

Why females should avoid a girl night out after they are married.
If this does not make you laugh out loud,you have lost your sense
of humour.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.I promise
well the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3am a bit loaded I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall way started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake
up.I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for comeing up with such a quick-witted solution in order
to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Ecen when totally smashed 3 cuckoo plus 9 cuckoo totals =12 cuckoos Midnight)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in.
I told him "Midnight" he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew I got away with that one! Then he said "we need a new cuckoo clock
When I asked him why he said well last night out clock cuckooed 3 times then said
Oh shit "Cuckoo 4 more times, cleared its throat cuckooed another 3 times
giggled cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

REAL FACTS ABOUT MEN.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

40 Reasons on why is it GREAT to be a Woman

1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.

2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.

3. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without
having to picture them naked.

4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet
bowl.

5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because
she was being emotionally neglected.

6. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a
passable standard at the same time.

7. Women live longer than men.

8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes.

9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her
friends will notice.

10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all).

11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's
problems.

12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.

13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

14. Women know the truth about whether size matters,

15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.

16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.

17. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without
thinking about either sex or football.

18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure
in a computer game.

19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

20. Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.

21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick.

22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.

23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in
their zipper.

24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.

25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake

26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.

27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.

28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.

29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as
a short woman's complex.

30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.

31. Women have total control over their eyebrows.

32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.

33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while
she's drunk.

34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions.

35. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.

36. Woman don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do.

37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe.

38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.

39. Women don't think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their
species stands for.

40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week.

There's a Jew, a Muslim a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Muslim are sitting there looking perplexed. The Jew is bent over holding his jaw which is red from an apparent slap. The Jew is thinking "Oh God, that Muslim must have tried to kiss this lady, she though it was me and slapped me." The lady is thinking, " That Jew must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Muslim instead and got slapped." The Muslim is thinking to himself, "If the train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Jew again.

naughty

olulu:




u can come milk me, anytime baby

evolution

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.'

A cucumber, a Penis and an Olive

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

Sleeping in Church
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed."Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!"

Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

Complaint

Penis Request:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.



Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely


The Management

I cant believe someone talked about the penis like that

heheheheh!

Ha ha ha ha ha. . . evolution. . . they were telling the little girl their family histories. . .

gabrywyl:

Complaint

Penis Request:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.



Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely


The Management

Weldone poster

Thanks Ituen

dont worry

Post some more lemme weigh ur worth

That sounds serious. I feel intimidated now. 

hey, why don't you post something as well?

gabby,
baby,
lullaby,


u da bomb baby,
keep it coming

Thanks Olulu.

Heres another one:-

What a Woman Says, and a Man Hears,
________________________________________
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"

The man no get ears?

d woman no talk loud enuff

African Client
________________________________________
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't
reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."