READING AND WRITING

They were booking in Nedd at the prison.
Prison Officer: "Can you read and write?"
Nedd: "I can write, not read."
Prison Officer (pausing): "Write your name here, then."
The prisoner made a scrawl the prison officer could not make out.
Prison Officer: "What's that?"
Nedd: "I don't know."
Prison Officer: "What do you mean you don't know?"
Nedd: "Officer I told you I can write, but I can't read."

~Hilarious Jokes

Thanks Cayon.

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, and then goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong, honey. I love you.

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we have any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you, too.

~LOL this joke always make me LMAO!! what a plunker the husband

~Oooh BTW Cayon Am waiting for a response to this VVVVVVVV


https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-45060.0.html

sorry, didn't realize a question was ask. Let me go and check now

~Oooh Okey dokey,i thought you logged off for a min

Cayon:

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, and then goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong, honey. I love you.

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we have any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you, too.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA. . . . . . lmao

Cayon:

READING AND WRITING

They were booking in Nedd at the prison.
Prison Officer: "Can you read and write?"
Nedd: "I can write, not read."
Prison Officer (pausing): "Write your name here, then."
The prisoner made a scrawl the prison officer could not make out.
Prison Officer: "What's that?"
Nedd: "I don't know."
Prison Officer: "What do you mean you don't know?"
Nedd: "Officer I told you I can write, but I can't read."

This wan is crazy, the bomb, i started off laughing slowly till i couldn't stop, now its down to a silly smile on my face. _{sighs, still smirking}

glad u like

Nigerian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers that there are different Hells for each country. First he goes to the Ghana Hell and asks what they do there. First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the Ghana Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
He doesn't like this so he moves on. He goes to the Egypt Hell, the Ethiopian Hell, and the UK Hell, and discovers that they are all the same.

Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks, "Which Hell is this?"
"Someone tells him, "Oh, This is the Nigeria Hell"
"What do they do in here?" He asks.
"Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour, then the Nigerian Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day!"
"But that is just like all the other Hells." The man said, "Why is the line so long?"
"Cause in the Nigerian Hell, electricity always lock off, the electric chair never work, somebody thief the nails and the Nigerian Devil is a public servant, so he comes in and punch him time card, then go to a rum Bar to play domino for the rest of the day!"

some of the jokes are nice
some i have heard before
some am still hoping to hear

Thanks. I like your name "Princesa" very unique. Hmmm, may use it for my granddaughter in years to come

Monks Day Off


One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, god would forgive them of their sins.

The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city.

At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.

The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I robbed an off-license."

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalised a primary school" he answered.

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today". "I pissed in the holy water", came the reply.

The Gay Bar

A guy walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender asks "Why?" The guy responds and says "I got my first blow."

The bartender says "In that case I'll give you two shots of whiskey."

The guy says "No, I just want one to get the taste out of my mouth."

Cayon:

Thanks. I like your name "Princesa" very unique. Hmmm, may use it for my granddaughter in years to come

no prop as far as she is preety like me

Apartment Rental 

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and
agrees to spend the night with her for $500. 
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, 
He tells her that he does not have any cash with him, 
But he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,   

Calling the payment   

"RENT FOR APARTMENT." 
 
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,   
Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. 
So he has his secretary send a check for   
$250 and enclosed the following typed note: 

Dear Madam

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of 
your Apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
Rented the apartment, I was under the impression that

1) it had never been occupied 
2) that there was plenty of heat; and   
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.   

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,   
That there wasn't any heat,  and that it was entirely too large.   

Upon receipt of the note

The girl immediately returned the check for $250
With the following note

Dear Sir, 

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.   
As for the heat, there s plenty of it,
If you know how to turn it on.   
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, 
But if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, 
Please don't blame the landlady. 

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to   
Contact your present landlady.

@Cayon Nice one xpecially dat of d man dat shoot his friend hahahahahahahahah

thanks. pucker out your tongue , let me kiss you

hmmmmmmmmmm

hmmm2

hmmm3

A Gift For Mother

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. One day they met up and discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, the mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I spend most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of Nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me, " replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the Likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no, " interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

There was a huge storm with a flood, everyone told John to get to higher ground but he just said, No, God will save me. The flood came up to his porch, and some men came by in a canoe and said get in, John, we'll help you get to higher ground. John just said no, God will save me, The flood came halfway up his first floor, a mortor boat came by and the driver said John get in the boat before you Die. John said God will save me. The flood was now up to the second floor and the coast gard came by in their cutter and ordered him into the boat, John again insisted God would save him. Finally when the flood was just below thepeak of roof of his house a helicopter came to get him. No John insisted God would save him. The next day John was dead and met God. Angrily he shouted, I believed! Why didn't you save me!? John,. God answered quietly, I sent a canoe, two boats and a helicopter

If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his arse and teach him to walk backwards

An Irish Priest has a hen coop with a number of hens and one
rooster. One Saturday he goes into the coop to get some eggs, and
can''t find the rooster. This bothers him because he believes that
some people engage in cock fighting in the parish. The priest
figures he can find the
culprit at mass the next day.
On Sunday, he gets up in the pulpit and
says, "all of you who have a cock, stand up"!
ALL THE MEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.
"No, no!" says the priest, "I mean all of you who have seen a cock,
please stand up".
ALL THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.
"No, no!", says the priest. "I mean, all of you who have seen a
cock that doesn''t belong to you, stand up".
HALF OF THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.
"No! You still don''t understand. All of you who have seen my cock,
stand up".
ALL OF THE NUNS, HALF THE ALTAR BOYS, AND ONE GOAT STOOD UP

Cayon:

An Irish Priest has a hen coop with a number of hens and one
rooster. One Saturday he goes into the coop to get some eggs, and
can''t find the rooster. This bothers him because he believes that
some people engage in cock fighting in the parish. The priest
figures he can find the
culprit at mass the next day.
On Sunday, he gets up in the pulpit and
says, "all of you who have a cock, stand up"!
ALL THE MEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.
"No, no!" says the priest, "I mean all of you who have seen a cock,
please stand up".
ALL THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.
"No, no!", says the priest. "I mean, all of you who have seen a
cock that doesn''t belong to you, stand up".
HALF OF THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.
"No! You still don''t understand. All of you who have seen my cock,
stand up".
ALL OF THE NUNS, HALF THE ALTAR BOYS, AND ONE GOAT STOOD UP

agnus dei qui tollis peccata mundi miserere nobis.
Cayon, may God forgive you.
I practically peed in ma pants.
extremely funny.

c'mon nice job there ;

A di<k says 2 his balls,"ok guys get ready & I'll take you to a party".
D balls said,"u fucking liar u always go inside & leave us outside knocking d door".