flow1759:
“Flow Adamu for kill ooh, If no be say Fishbone come save you”

“I think say you get black belt for Kung fu!” Eze who just came laughed.

“Him get black belt, Adamu get Green belt and dagger” Nas too laughed at me.

“Ehen wetin make Adamu wan beat you sef?” Fishbone was curious.

“ehnnn, ehnnn, ehmnnn, him no get sense jor” That was all I could say.

“Guys I bring 404 come!” Eze brought out the content of his bag.

Brukutu is best served with Dog meat a.k.a 404 when compared to suya, or so I thought – the friction at which the Dog meat easily slips though one’s throat is second to none. Combining both Dog meat and suya was world class.


I was on my second calabash after Adamu scenario and continued thinking of “Wetin Baba God don do for Flow so far”

I remembered when Baba God saved me from drowning in a flooded gutter. That day the water from the gutter tasted like fine wine. That was on 34th birthday.

I flashed back to frog jumping up to 300 times just because I wanted to pay my girlfriend Coretha a surprise visit in her residence in the barracks on my birthday. That was on my 33rd birthday.

I remembered smoking weed and going fishing in a swimming pool on my 32nd birthday.

I couldn’t forget being chased by a dog and ran into a big pot of beans cooked by Teekay at the O42 restaurant. The dog bit me and by b’utt got burned too. I was bedridden for the rest of my 31st birthday and two week after.

I remember my own birthday cake almost killing me on my 30th birthday. I thought it was poisoned and I arrested the caterer.


“Make we dey go house!” Eze said, “I carry that my Uncle car come, but I don too high, who go drive us”

“Me sef don take five calabash of BKT, I no go fit drive” Fishbone said.

“Me I no dey see clear again” Nas said.

“Flow you no too drink na, na you go drive us go house” Fishbone declared.

“Yeeaah! The birthday boy will drive us home!” Eze said as he handed over the car keys to me.

One birthday too many.

Flow i like the vibes. But what if we take the story to another dimension. Like taking up one of the character and you finishing up with the rest.and i am very conversant with those hoods you mentioned, i am currently residing in mile 3..., just let me know if you are okay with the idea?

SunFlow:


Flow Nwanne!

SunFlow:


Flow Nwanne!

You be Man wey dey reason

Driving home, the road seemed wider and big vehicles seemed bigger. Billboards and streetlights were blurry. I often forgot where the brake was; stepping on my left foot with my right from time to time.

“Flow slow down” Fishbone warned, “You too dey speed”

A huge truck obstructed my overtaking at Obiwali road Rumuigbo; it drove at the middle of the road and no vehicle dared overtook.

“See this ba’stard ooh!” Nas said, “Flow overtake the mumu jor”

“Why your papa no come overtake am?” I returned.

“Wetin bring my papa come this one na”

“Flow!! Match brake! Match brake” I heard Eze screamed. Yet I stepped on my left foot before bring the car to a stop with a loud screech.

“Wetin happen na!” Why you go tell am to match brake like that na!” Fishbone cautioned.

“Wait na, I see one of my friend, Ngoyie! Ngoyie!” Eze called out.

A fair tall guy was in the car before I noticed his nose was as big as our church lead microphone.

“You wan breathe all the air wey dey this world?” I focused on the two dark tunnels he carried called nostrils.

“I thought they said there was light at the end of the tunnel?” Ngoyie’s was a tunnel at the end of the light; two tunnels I mean to say.

“Ngoyie how far na, long time!” Eze said to Ngoyie.

“I dey fine ooh” Our dear Ngoyie had bad breath too, so I made sure there was cross ventilation before I zoomed off.

“Wait ooh!” I paused, “Your name na Ngoyie?”

“Yes na, you like the name?”

“No ooh, I mean Yes I like the name, e remind me of my childhood friend him name na Ngoyie too”

Ngoyie a.k.a Kalabari fowl n’yansh.

I smiled as I remembered I and Ngoyie’s ordeal a day to his 15th birthday back then in the barracks.




“Ngoyie come first, wetin be Oluu Lajor” I asked Ngoyie as I walked out of Mama Ojonugwa’s rest place under the tree close to her house.

“Oluu Lajor? Olu na, that our guy wey we dey go play ball for him compound na, that fat guy” He answered, “But I no know weda him papa name na Lajor ooh, when we go there we go ask am”

“You be original mumu, how mama Ojonugwa go tell me make I go mama Caro place go bring Olu, e make sense to you?” I said, “Mama Ojonugwa say make I go mama Caro saloon go collect Oluu Lajor for her hand, no be Olu abeg”

“Oluu Lajor??” Ngoyie was as confused as I was, “wetin be Oluu Lajor?”

“Make we go first, maybe Oluu Lajor na type of relaxer for hair” I was sure.



“Mama Caro! Mama Ojonugwa say make you give me Oluu Lajor” I sang as we reached.

“Wetin be Oluu Lajor?” I was surprised when Mama Caro asked.

“Oluu Lajor na!” I returned, “abi Oluu Lajor no be type of relaxer again?”

“which kin relaxer you dey talk?” Mama Caro’s face turn pale.

“Foreign relaxer na!” Ngoyie whispered to me.

“Abeg go confirm wetin dem send you jor” She chased us.


“Mama Ojonugwa abeg wetin you say make we collect from mama Caro?” We had reached Mama Ojonugwa’s house.

“I say, tell mama Caro make she give you Oluu Lajor…..Lajor” She made us more confused, “I wan use am cut something”

“But Ngoyie them no dey use relaxer cut something na!” I wondered as we walked back to Mama Caro.

“Maybe Oluu Lajor na type of knife!” Ngoyie suggested.



“Mama Caro! Mama Ojonugwa say make you give us Oluu Lajor!” Ngoyie spoke.

“make una see me see this children ooh! Which one be Oluujor!” We were getting on her nerves.

“Oluu Lajor na Knife na!” I informed her.

“So na me una dey use play this una small pikin play abi?” She spanked me, “Instead of una to say una want knife, una dey say una want Oluujor”

“Sorry ma, na Oluu Lajor be the type of knife wey we want” I spoke.

“Caro abeg go bring knife for kitchen for them” She said to my crush Caro who waved at me before going to bring the Oluu Lajor knife.



“Mama Ojonugwa, see the knife!” I handed the knife to the one that sent me.

Before I could wink my eyes I heard “kpoooowaaaiiii!” and NTA 9 O’clock news instrumental sounded twice in my subconscious.

“Mama Ojonugwa wetin I do na! why you slap me!” I heard Ojonugwa her daughter laughing at me.

“So you Mumu boy, you no know wetin be Oluu Lajor” She manhandled my left ear and dragged me along, “Oya make we dey go mama Caro place”

Ngoyie the st’upid friend of mine saw the opportunity to quickly say some sweet words to his crush Ojonugwa while Mama Ojonugwa dragged me along.

“I’diot boy, you dey talk to women there and them they draw my ear abi” I shouted.

“Dey go I dey secure the back for you” Till today I can’t seem to understand the meaning of those words.

“Dey secure your papa back!” I cried.


Welcome to Nigeria where a brand name could take the name of a commodity it stands for. Indomie stood for Noodles, Maggi stood for Seasoning, Rub stood for Balm, Razor stood for blade, Klin stood for Detergent and so on.


We were at Mama Caro’s saloon when I could feel blood wasn’t flowing around my ear lobe; it was like a butterfly perched by the side of my head.

“mama Caro I send Headmaster make you give am Oluu Lajor” Mama Ojonugwa said, “why you com give am knife na”

I wasn’t the head managing any school, the size of my head gave that name to me, and I was deputized by my younger brother named Headboy. If Headboy gives your head a header while fighting with you, then consider your head useless for the next six months, but if Headmaster gives you a header consider your head useless for one year. Imagine if both gives you a header; forget it, you don’t have a head no more.

“No ooh, na Headmaster tell me say Oluujor na knife ooh” My Caro responded, “So I give am knife”

“Oluu Lajor nahim I send am no be knife!” Mama Ojonugwa said as I saw Ngoyie eyeing Ojonugwa.

“Ngoyie no be you tell me say Oluu Lajor na knife!” I cried with a loud voice farting silently.

“No ooh, no be me ooh” Look who I called my friend.

“Eheen, If Oluu Lajor no be knife, wetin be Oluu Lajor sef!” Mama Caro was curious; me too was curious.

“Lajor na, you no know Lajor blade!” My heart sanked, “Lajor blade, the Oluu wan!”

What this Igala accented women put me through all because she wanted old Razor blade.




In front of us by UD filling station near Nkpolu junction two policemen were signaling we pullover.

hart12:
Flow i like the vibes. But what if we take the story to another dimension. Like taking up one of the character and you finishing up with the rest.and i am very conversant with those hoods you mentioned, i am currently residing in mile 3..., just let me know if you are okay with the idea?

How do you want it?

Funny Ngoyie, who knows what "Secure the back" means?

Where my Pitakwa people?

“wetin una carry!” One of the policemen called.

“Officer we no carry anything ooh, we carry ourself” Fishbone said.

“Okay I wan search una” The short policeman said.

“search us!” Ngoyie virtually shouted.

“Why you dey shout Ngoyie” Nas said from the front seat where he sat without knowing what was happening at the back, “make them search us na, we no carry anything na”

Speak for yourself Nas, Speak for yourself. From the corner of my eyes I noticed Ngoyie was fidgety and was searching for where to hide the bag he carried; that was when it dawned on me that we were doomed.

“You! wetin dey that bag?” One of the policemen yelled.

“Na na na na Vegetable….. Ugu” Ngoyie stammered.

“Which kin Ugu? You be farmer?” The tall policeman queried.

“No ooh, my Papa nahim be farmer” I instantly knew the content of the bag was the kind of vegetable that could be smoked. Five leaves vegetable.


“Eze see the kind problem wey you come put us into” Nas cried, “you carry igboh dealer enter this motor”

“I no know say him dey deal on Igboh na”

“Oga Ngoyie, why you no tell us say you carry igboh”

“I no know say we go see police na”

We were all scared.


“Oya Gentlemen, you all are under arrest for dealing on drugs” The short Policeman announced.

“Drugs!” Burkutu had cleared from my eyes, I could see clearly.

“Igboh no be drugs na!” I heard Eze said.

“hmmm! Wetin be igboh na, sugarcane abi?” I muttered.


If you stay in Pitakwa then you will agree with me that there are two most dreaded police stations that criminals preferred they died than being looked up in; Kala and Choba Police stations. Choba police station seemed finer on the outside and ugly on the inside while Kala police station was ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside – so said Fishbone who have lodged in both stations five times each.

“Make una no worry una go see my cousin Joe for inside the cell if we reach Choba police station” Fishbone assured us, “Joe go do us well”

I felt like biting Ngoyie’s big Nose for putting us through pains just because he was the Jonah in our boat, but i dared not save i died poisoned.



“Oya make una off una clothe!” At the station one policeman commanded.

Just then I remembered I was not putting on boxers and I explained to the policeman.

“mister man that means say you go n’aked enter cell be that” The policeman informed, “Those bad criminal wey dey there go use your b’lockos do suya”

“Officer make I wear my jeans enter na” I begged.

“No way! if you no get boxers then you go n’aked enter” Hearing that sent shivers down my spine.

“Oya Officer abeg make I give you money make you buy boxers for me na!” I offered.

“Well, make I just pity you, bring am!” He agreed.

“How much I go give………” Just then Nas cut.

“…….Flow no worry I go give you one of my boxers, I wear two”

“Taaaaaaaa! Me wear your boxers? I dey mad?”

Nas was not unhealthy with his under wears; he uses them to bring down pot from fire and to kill mosquitoes. I guess his boxers were insecticides.

“Officer abeg how much I go give you for the boxers?” I asked.

“One boxers na 3k, na original boxers I go give you”

“Officer I get 2k here, help me abeg” I offered.


Soon, the policeman returned with a dusty piece of clothe that I mistook for a cut-out from mosquito net and handed it to me as the boxers he bought.

“Officer this thing no be boxers na, this thing na p’ant, and e dey dirty” I wept.

“You no happy say you see boxers wear, if you enter n’aked, you know say some of those criminals there them never dey with woman for a long time, this you n’yansh go go well ooh!” He smacked my a’rse.

“Na your papa n’yansh go go well!” I almost said.

I thought I left planet earth when I entered the cell.

I say with no equivocation that my nervous system was failing me as I perceived the stench in the cell.

“Wey una entrance fee?” One gatekeeper demanded.

“Make una bring una money jor!” Another shouted, “No entrance fee, una no go enter!”

“Make una wait!” Fishbone shouted, “Una no know me? Na me na, Fishbone!”

“Ooooh! Biskit bone! Na you be this?” One of them noticed.

“Na me na, respect to all of una, I salama for una, una face show, una shoe shine and una teeth sef white” Fishbone removed his face cap and shake hands with all of them.

“Baba na Biskit bone, him come with them him friends!” One of them ran to inform their royal majesty at the extreme of the room.

“Where Joe? Them don release am?” Fishbone asked as he sat down.

“Yes na, na day before yesterday them release am!” One guy with tattoo of Christ the Redeemer in his chest informed him.

“Make all of una sit down, wetin we go offer una” That was when I realized that their royal majesty was the notorious Baba Seventy.

“Eeeeh! Flow! Wetin carry you come here?” I offered to shake hands with the king but his guards struck my hands.

“Na this guy wey go carry igboh enter motor wey we dey drive come back from my birthday celebration before police carry us land here” I turned to Ngoyie.

“oooh! Today na even your baiday! Everybody make we sing baiday sing for am!” Baba Seventy commanded.

“Happy baiday to you………. Happy baiday to you………….” Never have I heard such sonorous voice before, one of them even crowned the song with a rap verse. My heart gladdened; I was fulfilled I was celebrated even in prison.

“Eheen Flow who dey on top table for Premier League sef” Baba Seventy asked me.

“Na Man City ooh, them no gree anybody to overtake them”

“Where Chelsea dey for table?” He further asked.

“Chelsea? Them dey 8th position”


“Baba make I tell them the rules for here na!” The PRO said to Baba Seventy.

“Oya tell them the rules and regulation”

The PRO cleared his throat before he commenced.

“Our Baba na our Lord for this place, nobody go disobey am, anybody wey disobey am go go find another cell wey him go stay”

“If you mess for here you go pay 2k! 2k per mess” So I no go fit mess in peace again, I told myself.

“We dey wash toilet once a week, if na your turn to wash, you must wash am, if you no wash am, hmmmm! You go sleep for toilet for two days”

“Everybody must sleep by 10pm, If you dream bad dream for night, we get Pastor Johnbull wey go interpret am for you” Joseph is here too, I said to myself.

“morning devotion na 6am everybody must wake to pray, one Christian and One Muslim go pray for us every day” So prisoners pray too, how do they even know the time, I wondered.

“If you go toilet and you no flush well, you go drink one cup of Baba piss…….”

“You say wetin?” Nas almost screamed.

“I say if you go toilet and you no flush well you go drink Baba piss or pay 2k fine” Thank God there was a fine attached.

“If your people for outside bring food for you or police buy food for you, Baba get half of the food!” Fair enough.

“If you wan call your people, phone dey here, 500Naira per minute call!” He lowered his voice as he said that.

“If you need boxers, Emeka dey sell boxers 2k for one” Na everything be 2k here? I almost asked. Igbo men can make money anywhere, as sure as I was that I must patronize Emeka, I was also sure he paid for his advert to be placed as one of the rules and regulations of the cell.

“And the last rule for here…….If them release you from here you must send us food like two times, or else if you come back here, we go drill you wotowoto!” Me? come back here? maka why na?

Too many rules I promised not to break.

If you like the last post please drop a comment

If you be Pitakwa pikin, your face show, your shoe shine, your teeth sef white.
Tell us where you represent for Pitakwa.

Your writing is still as sharp as always, but more consistency is needed. That's why traffic is low.

Omo that phone call Rule no be here ooo 😀😀😀🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

swiz123:
Your writing is still as sharp as always, but more consistency is needed. That's why traffic is low.

More update coming up tonight

“Oboy make we just open that business for Port Harcourt, e go make sense!” I was on the phone with my childhood friend Morley.

“Okay later na!” I hung up.

Me and Morley had agreed to set up a computer centre where we would train student on the basic computer skills alongside run a modern internet café/printing shop.

After the call I realized worms were singing in my stomach.

Along the road leading to Aluu was a joint – a joint for porridge beans called 042 owned by Obuisi.

It was exactly 11am when I strolled into 042 looking so tired from searching for buyers of a product I marketed.

I dilly dallied for a while thinking of what would become of me should I not marry the love of my life Coretha within a space of six months. Her father will kill me.

“Look, I give you six months, if you don’t marry my daughter hmmmmm, you are doomed!” Coretha’s father had threatened three days ago, “You will not like yourself ooh!”

I was still lost in my thought when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Eze.

“Flow why na!” He muttered, “Why you com wear this shirt na! na customer own na, shebi I tell you say na customer own”

Eze owned a laundry shop; a one of a kind laundry shop. He is good at what he does and cloths given to him are uniquely done I must say. He does home delivery and pick-up.

Pick up? You must pick up your cloth from his shop before it stays 3 months there, or else……..

Or else……

It might as well not be yours again; your cloth will have a new owner.


I remember returning from church one sunny afternoon putting on a well ironed blue short-sleeve senator wear and someone walked to me.

“This cloth looks like my own!” The man managed to smile.

“No ooh, its not yours, its mine!” I was speaking English.

“It really look like my cloth, I have been looking for for a long time!” He felt the material.

“Oga wetin be all this one na, I say no be your own!” I changed to pidgin English.

“Are you sure? Its exactly the same design as mine” I felt cold shivers.

“Oga why are you embarrassing my husband na” Coretha was right behind us.

“Sorry madam, what your husband is putting on looks exactly like one of my senator I had lost”

“Well sir, it is not yours, this one I sewed it for him, I am a tailor!” Coretha lied.

“Okay madam, I see, I guess you copied my style” The man forced a smile.

“Yeah, I copy styles online and sew for my husband!”

Coretha the genius saved me. I would have been lynched.

“But wait ooh who be your husband? I be like person wey wan marry you?” I was smiling at Coretha in gratitude.



“no vex na, all my cloth dirty and I need to go see one customer wey wan buy my product!” I pleaded.

“Guy this cloth wey you wear so, the man wey get am dey stay around here, him fit waka pass here now!”

“Abeg him fit no waka pass here, no fear!” I assured him, “Obuisi abeg give me and Eze mess formula”

**You should know what mess formula means na. Abi you dey whyne me ni**

Two plates of very hot mess formula were in front of us and I ordered we were also served two bottles drink too.

“Flow!!!! Flow!!! See the man wey get this cloth wey you wear!” I heard.

Quicker than Usain Bolt, I ran to hide in a cubicle where Obuisi stored pots.

The owner of the cloth came to buy beans as takeaway yet he sat for a while making a call.

The call had lasted for more than 10 minutes as tears was almost running down my eyes when I saw from where I hid that Eze had finished his plate of beans and started with mine.

“what a wicked world! Food wey I buy for this I’diot, e don dey chop my own!” I cried.

“Oga dem your cloth don ready ooh” Eze said to the man.

“Okay I will come and collect them this evening!” The man’s phone rang again.

Our man was on another call and my legs were shaking from standing for too long.

Eze was on my drink this time.

“People bad sha! Na him go pay for the food and drinks” I said to myself, “Thank God say I never pay”

About 12 minutes had gone by and I could stand no more, so I told myself I would sit down on the small cupboard I saw there, albeit I noticed the frame was not strong enough to carry my weight.

I sat for about 2 minutes when the cupboard upper frame caved in and my butt sank into a hot pot of beans.

That night my n’aked body lied down making sure my butt was directly under the ceiling fan as I wept wishing I never wore another man’s cloth.

If there is 042 close to your house, you are blessed ooh

More updates to follow.

“na me be Bee! I dey bite person and nobody fit bite me!” Bee entered 1759 viewing centre with a gun, “who be APC here?”

The ambiance was like the viewers were all on Intensive Care all of a sudden.

This happened in an era when PDP was on the verge of continuing its leadership of Rivers state for another four years and election was in few weeks.

All of a sudden someone stood up and said, “we no dey do PDP and APC thing here, na ball we come watch!”

“Who talk that thing?” Bee who was about to leave the viewing centre returned.

“Na me talk am!” Sammy affirmed.

What followed was like in the movies.

I saw wonders.

Bee shot at Sammy and the bullet fell to the ground when Sammy chanted some strange words.

There was stampede in the viewing centre and quickly Bee ordered his boys to shut the door so everyone would be witness to the murder of fetish Sammy.

“Today na today!” Bee boasted before speaking to his gun.

At that point my temperature had risen to about 750 degrees. I had peed on myself lying down. I had forgotten to save the “lives” of my TVs; saving my own life was more important.

Bee shot twice to Sammy, then from the corner of my eyes I saw Sammy dancing a funny dance while the bullets vanished.

Beside me was Eze saying “Jesus save us ooh!” Look who was calling on Jesus to save him; a f’ornicator.

Lying down by my right was Nas the messing machine who had farted and my lungs were packing up as a result.

Nas and farting dangerously when ever Bee came around was something else.



I remember one night when Chelsea played against Manchester United and the crowd at the viewing centre was something else so I needed at extra hand to control the crowd.

That was the night one slap would have killed Nas.

He was at the door while I was few centimeters away when Bee came.

“Oga enter inside!” He said to Bee.

“I no go enter inside!” Bee returned.

“Oga, I say make you enter inside, no block road!” He said.

“I say I no go enter inside, you know me?” Bee inquired.

“I no know you!” Nas had heard of the Notorious Bee but had not seen him physically.

“Okay, make I introduce myself, na me be Dead body!” What an introduction.

“Dead body! If you like make you be Dead pig, that one no concern me!” Nas returned, “just enter inside!”

The volcano eruption as a result of the slap Nas received almost caused me kidney failure due to the unending farts that followed.



Bee shot two more times at Sammy before he ordered his boys to bring him.

In my next post, something very bad happened to Bee.

Watch out!!

Meanwhile if you are a business owner, check my signature.

On my way from my my non-profitable marketing job, I stopped over at Coretha’s since she was home alone.

I knocked at their door and meet with Winky almost immediately.

“wetin you carry!” That was the look the Rottweiler carried.

“Na Herbal drugs wey I dey sell” I explained to the dog.

“wetin you dey find here!” The Dog refused me entrance.

“I come see Coretha my girlfriend!” Mad me talking to an animal.

Sitting in the living room and staring at Captain Oche’s portrait hanged on the wall reminded me of the fact that time was running out on me. I had 3months, 2days, 14hours and 2minutes to become Coretha’s husband since the Captain had fixed date for the wedding already – July 12 I will never forget.

“But I no fit marry this girl na, she be like man!” I was lost in my thought, “and she is even ugly………..”

“……ugly” unknown to me I had spoke out.

“ugly! Who is ugly?” She asked.

“na you na!” I almost said.

“who is ugly!” She asked again.

“Ugly? oooh, is the yam and beans that Nas cooked in the house, very ugly food” I lied.

“Eyaaah! Sorry for the ugly food, oya let me serve you fried Rice and Chicken, the one the maid just cooked” She offered.

“Yes na, of course” I smiled.

“See wetin your mate cook” I said to myself, “Your own na to knack, and mess, make you and your papa com carry me make I marry you na!” The food was so delicious.

“did you make sales today!” Coretha asked.

Since her father gave me Kpito herbal drug to sell so I could raise the bride price, I had sold only three bottles.

“don’t worry I believe in you and I know you will make huge sales!” Her fingers caressed the back of my head, “abi are you not Flow again, you’ve got the flow na!”

“Make you and your papa getout!” I almost said.



I was stopped my Bee’s road block on my way home.

“You! Come! Wetin dey that bag?” Bee asked me.

“Me? Nothing ooh, na herbal drugs wey I go sell” I forced a smile.

One of his boys confirmed and took one of the herbal drugs to commander Bee.

“Kkkkpitto!” Bee struggled to pronounce, “wetin this drug dey work for?”

“E dey work for Malaria, Typhoid, Syphilis, Hypertension and if you no dey perform well for knacking, this drug na for you!” I recited my usual poem.

“Mehnnnn! That mean say I go need am ooh!” Bee said.

“Yes you go need am, its just 1500 Naira!”

“see this one ooh! Who tell you say I go pay!” He revealed his gun, ”abi you wan die”

“How you go pay, I dey mad? I dey joke, na free for you jor!” I had not seen such a sparkling gun all my life.

“Oya bye bye na!” Bee ordered, “Abi you want make we collect your phone join?”

“E no go better for you! Police go arrest you, Your papa go die, Police go comot your teeth for prison, you go die by firing squad!” I cursed inside me as I walked away.



Few hours of nap and someone b’anged on my door.

“who be this one wey wan break my door?” I woke up.

“Flow you dey sleep and the world don dey come to an end” Fishbone said.

“World don come to an end?” I looked to the sky wishing I will be taken up to Glory with the saints. But more importantly had the world came to an end, I would be so glad I didn’t get married to Coretha at last.

“Mumu, no be wetin I mean be that!” Fishbone said, “I mean say Police don arrest Bee”

“You mean am?” I was somewhat happy my prayers were heard, or rather part of my prayers was heard.

“E go no better for you! Police go arrest you, Your papa go die, Police go comot your teeth for prison, you go die by firing squad!”

Two out of five of my prayer points were answered already.

“Wetin make them arrest am? How dem take arrest am?” I asked Fishbone.

Fishbone told me that Chief Tony ordered he should be arrested for beating up his stubborn 20 years old daughter Chiburoma plucking out her teeth. Chief Tony had severally tried to arrest Bee but anytime the police came our dear Bee disappeared. He was Selina tested.

“So how police com take arrest am this time?” I needed to know.

Fishbone told me that the police came equipped with a witch who carried a calabash of fire on her head. The calabash of fire was used to neutralize the potency of Bee’s voodoo before they invaded his hideout. He couldn’t disappear, he couldn’t even run; his legs were chained spiritually.

“….so people dey go him house go collect all their things wey him collect for their hand” Fishbone said, “Me I don go collect one bag of rice there ooh!”

I was sure my Kpito would be recovered.

If you know what Selina tested means, let us know.

More updates coming soon.

Wey my friends ishilove, Larrysun and Maziomenuko dem dey sef

flow1759:
Wey my friends ishilove, Larrysun and Maziomenuko dem dey sef

I'm here.

Flow is highly talented

swiz123:
Flow is highly talented

Thank you

East of Rumuokoro lies a small town with a big heart. Her name is Rumuigbo, she is neither Rumu-near nor Rumu-far from Rumuekini; she is Rumu-in-between. Rumuigbo is the name that befits a place where a psychiatric hospital is situated – children that smokes weed and they should need psychiatric care? Shouldn't they? Well, It is just a stroll away.

“Fishbone don mad ooh!” I cried as I struggled to hold his tied hand in the emergency vehicle taking us to psychiatric hospital Rumuigbo.

“Guy no dey talk like that, him no fit mad!” Nas gave himself an assurance.

“You for kuku join am dey mad” I almost spoke to Nas, “you see say we dey carry person go psychiatric hospital, you dey talk say him no fit mad, you well so?”

“How this thing take happen?” The driver of the emergency vehicle asked.

Fishbone had gone out with Kitizo and friends for a drink that Sunday afternoon, I and Eze was outside playing chess in the evening when a Toyota Camry pulled over in front of us and someone was pushed out. Lo and behold it was Fishbone tattered. Before I and Eze stood to run after the car, it was about 100 metres away so we cared more of our friend not spinning into the nearby gutter.

“Fishbone! Fishbone!” I held him to myself.

“Fishbone! Talk to us na! What is wrong with you?” A funny looking liquid came out of his mouth.

Immediately I perceived Ice cream from his breath, I knew Fishbone was in cloud 12.

Ice cream can make one go to fourth heaven and swim unharmed with the big whales in the deep blue sea. The kind of Ice cream that was capable of burning one’s heart, the kind of Ice cream that could make one see men like trees. The kind of Ice cream that is artistic and painted one’s tongue with the colours of the rainbow with emphasis on Green and Blue. The kind of Ice cream that could make one fly.

“I wan fly! I wan fly so high” We were at Obiwali road Rumuigbo.

“Kai Fishbone! See wetin Kizito don do to you!” I cried.

Kizito! Oh Kizito!!

Kizito is the kind of friend your mother warned you never to hang around.

I remember my first experience with him, it was at the viewing centre when I saw him after the Match between Manchester City and Liverpool sat back while others left wearing a sad face. I thought it was as a result of the fact that his team Liverpool had lost.

“Una don lose, e no gree you stand up go house again” I told him.

“No be the match dey worry me, na this my account!” He brought out his phone.

“which account?” I came to see.

“Na my Facebook account na, my name don change to Elizabeth Berry!” He wept.

“Elizabeth Berry? How na? You be woman?” I held the phone.

“I no know ooh, abi Facebook dey change person name?” He was most high, “How dem go give me another name without my permission?”

“Oboy! Na Hack dem hack your account, Bad guys don hack your account?” I informed him.

“Nawa ooh! Them get mind ooh" His hand was on his head

“No worry guy, just kuku dey bear the name for real life, Elizabeth!”



“Dr. Elizabeth, what if we don’t have the money to make down payment, does it mean treatment won’t start on our friend?” We were at Psychiatric Hospital.

“Oboy e get one Ogoni girl wey I wan marry!” Eze told me on our way from 042.

“Eheeen! That one good for you be that oooh!”

“I want make you follow me go her village!” He announced.

“Go do wetin? “ I was so curious.

“I wan go see her parents!”

“But why me na?” I have heard so many not-too-good stories about Ogoni land.

“Because na you be my main Gee!” He tapped my back.

“Where she front for Ogoni sef?” I inquired.

“She from Nnowa for Tai”

“Which one be No-way for Tie” I spoke French.

“I say the babe from Nnowa for Tai Local government Area, in Ogoni land” He said.

Ogoni land; a land with milk, honey, roses, and cultism. The land with the highest local government area in the state and with the highest content of oil as well.

There is a secret cult called Debam and there is another called Dewell. Both are headquartered in Ogoni land. The rate of cultism in that land was more of a concern to me than to Rivers state government.

I and Eze set sail to Ogoni land on a Wednesday morning little did we know what was to befall us.

“But this girl wey you dey cheat on like this nahim you wan marry?” I asked Eze as we walked to the bus stop.

“she too dey cheat on me na!” If she was mine, i could cheat on such beauty.


“Beauty! Hello! My name is Flow!” I turned to the damsel seated by my side in the bus.

“Yes! What do you want from me?” She hissed.

“My name is Flow, hope you are Glow? I want us to Flow” The lyrics sounded nicely.

“I don’t care who you are!” She looked more beautiful frowning than smiling.

“why this girl dey answer me like this? Abi my mouth dey smell?” I immediately remembered I forgot to brush my teeth that morning.

“Oboy we never reach?” I turned to the one that could wholeheartedly perceive the bad odour from my mouth. I mean what are friends for?

“we go soon reach, here wey we dey na Akpajo” Eze pronounced it Akpa-ojoo to mean "Bad bag" in Igbo language.

From time to time I would take a quick glance at the damsel to see whether she was admiring the fine boy Flow.

As the vehicle’s speed increased I remembered what one of ex told me about the diabolic “tomorrow far” birthed in Ogoni land.



She said once you mistreat a typical Ogoni man/woman; the type that knows their way back home - such knows there was something called “tomorrow far” to fight for them.

“If you cheat on me for example, I no go talk anything, I go go village go knack you tomorrow far” She told me one night lying on my chest.

“Really? Is this tomorrow far something not too bad?” I asked.

“It is something very bad that will kill you within 24 hours, that is why it is called tomorrow far” My chest was burning at that point, my throat was blocked too, then I coughed.

“why are you coughing? Abi have you cheated on me?” She looked me in my eyes.

“Cheat? Me? No ooh, I have not even thought of it”

Thank God I never cheated on Dumbari, my tomorrow would have been not too far.


“driver slow down ooh, you are driving too fast!” Our damsel said.

“don’t mind him, I don’t know where he is running to!” She looked away like I was a beast.

Looking forward I saw that a trailer had drove One-way maneuvering to contain the space between the road divider and our bus while our driver struggled to maintain his lane as there was a taxi on a higher speed by our right.

“Jesos! Jesos! Jesos!” Our damsel was virtually giving me a hug.

“God save us!” Her jugs were all over me. See me see e’rection.

The screeching of our bus and the taxi beside ours sent shivers down my spine and my e'rection turned confusion.

From nowhere a taxi trying to overtake the trailer ran into us head on.

Was our tomorrow far?

Happy Easter to all my Christain readers. Christ is risen.

And to my Muslim readers, peace to you as you observe the holy month of Ramadan.

LarrySun:
I'm here.

Bring those my former fans wey don turn your fans to come and read my story.

Slowly and slowly, our Flow1759 is getting his grove back.

Now, you are flowing just like flow Nwanne

flow1759:


Bring those my former fans wey don turn your fans to come and read my story.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

SunFlow:
Slowly and slowly, our Flow1759 is getting his grove back.

Now, you are flowing just like flow Nwanne

It is intentional.

This story promises to be epic.

That's just the way it is

There is a place called Igbo-Ora in Oyo state Nigeria, a place that has the highest twin birth in the world. Research says Igbo-Ora has twin almost twice the twin population in the whole of Europe.

“shebi if we marry I will born twins for you!” Coretha said to me lying n’aked on the bed.

I touched my gbola to confirm I didn’t make the mistake of not putting on a c’ondom.

“Go born twins for yourself, no be me!”

“I will born you twins like David and Daniel” Coretha smiled.

“Me? Born twins like those two rubbish boys!”


David and Daniel was real life Aki and Paw Paw with a touch of Psquare. I remember one of them selling me a phone and when I returned with the Eba phone……

“…………I say you sell me phone, I reach house I see say na Eba dey inside the battery side”

“Me? No be me sell phone for you ooh!” I guessed it was David that spoke.

This twin was so identical that I often thought their younger brother Joseph was not able to differentiate them sometimes – photocopy twin.

“I say na you!” The tone of his voice sounded like the one that sold me the phone.

“oga no be me ooh, I no dey house since morning, I just dey come from our shop”

“Na you sell me the phone jor” I wasn’t so sure.

Just then the other twin I thought was Daniel stepped in.

“Eheeen, Na you sell the phone for me!” I pointed at Daniel, I mean David, I mean……whatever.

“Me?” He paused, “sell phone for you?”

“Na you na!” At this point my eyes spun from looking at this twin standing in front of me with stern faces.

“Na you na!” I pointed at none of them in particular.

“Na who?” They spoke at the same time.

I took a good look at the both of them and told myself I was sure the chubbier one sold me the phone. But who was chubbier?

“Oboy if you no comot for our front I go pieces your head with two-by-two” The chubbier one threatened.

“Me? You go pieces my head with two-by-two” I said.

“Yes, see the two-by-two here!” One of the twin made me smell the wood he held.

Smelling the two-by-two wood brought me to remembrance.



I remember when Old Soldier struck my head with a two-by-two wood for an offense I didn’t commit.

I and Eze had not yet gone to Alhaja Baba’s first wife to buy some food items when devil entered Eze; the devil of stealing.

Before we got to Alhaja’s shop Eze had told me to stake money that he would steal Peak milk from the shop.

“I dont bet on stealing, I am a christian” I told him before Nas agreed to the bet.

“I go bet you 2k say you no go fit steal Peak milk from Alhaja shop”

“Alhaja abeg give me Coconut” I ordered as we reached the shop, “How much?”

“My Coconut na 300 Naira” Alhaja had gone inside to bring the coconut while I admired Suliyat her Daughter; beautiful as ever. My spec.

I saw from the corner of my eyes that Eze was on his mission already.

“See the Coconut here!” It was Suliyat that handed over the Coconut to me. Suliyat the beautiful angel.

“Gaaaaaaaaamgbummmmm!Glory! Glory!” angels were singing as I lied on the floor helpless. The coconut had left my hand while I couldn’t feel the coconut that made me human - that coconut was bleeding.

“So na you dey thief for this shop?” Someone that looked like Old soldier carried a two-by-two wood close to my nose.

“No be me thief ooh!” My own voice sounded different to me. My head was heavy, my blood spilled more, my stomach rumbled, I thought I had lost my sense of smell.

“Na you! I see you!” Old soldier shouted.

“No be me ooh!” The wood was still on my nose.



“No be me! No be me sell phone for you ooh!” The wood was still on my nose.

“I no like this thing wey una do me so? Na one of una sell this phone for me ooh!” I turned to leave.

The twin from Opobo had scammed “dem Papa” not me.