As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

hehe *hic*

na TB coff be dis no doubt

poor sick dickele

d guy no even help himsef

eyaa

see dis wan, lol

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its
mind which way it wants to go.

One day a twelve year old walks into a house of
ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string
behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the
counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "She has to have
active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and
ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the
counter and says "Active herpes." She responds,
"Okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go
upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their
deal,

As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why
did you want someone with active herpes?" The
twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm
going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom
and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter
to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then,
when he gets back, he and mom are going to go
upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after
dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and
mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard
that ran over my frog.

The difference between genius and stupidity is
that genius has its limits.

Three women stay up late one night drinking
together at a bar and get totally wasted. They
all leave in the early morning hours to go home,
promising to meet again.

The next day, the three meet at a cafe for lunch
and Bloody Mary's. They begin comparing stories
to see who was the most drunk.

The first woman says "I was the most drunk. I
went home and the first thing I did, was blow
chunks."

The second woman says, "No, I was the most drunk.
I left the bar and got in my car, then I wrapped
it around a tree."

The third woman says, "Nuh-uh! I was the most
drunk. I went home and lit a cigarette, passed
out and burned my house down."

Then the first woman says "Ladies, I don't think
you understand. Chunks is my dog!"

Q. Why should you never tell a women your
secrets?

A. Because you cant trust anything that bleeds
for five days and doesn't die.

A guy is having marital problems. He and the
wife are not communicating at all and he's
lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a
pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in
parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots
he notices one with no feet. Surprised he
mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk
well for a parrot."

The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well
educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports,
religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was
looking for."

The parrot says "There's not much of a market for
maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20
for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months
things go great. When he comes home from work
the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the
parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and
shut the door."

The guy says "What's up?"

The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you
this, but the mailman came today. Your wife
answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."

The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says "Well, maybe, but then he fondled
her breasts."

The guy says "He did??"

The parrot says "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee
down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on
and fell off my perch."

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked
up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods
and scratched your butt and felt vaseline, would
you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!", the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into
your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you
tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"

A guy walks into a bar and says ouch! , . , . . . . .

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were
getting undressed together for the first time.

He took off his shoes and socks and his toes
were all twisted and discolored.

"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an
awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?", she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and
said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Theres these two guys and they trespass onto a
farmers lawn and the farmer comes out. He tells
the 2 trespassers to come out and get 100 of any
fruit they like. The smart one gets 100
strawberries and the farmer tells him to cram
them all up his ass. After about 50 strawberries
he starts to laugh and the farmer asks why? He
replies nuthin and at 75 just breaks out and
laughs and laughs. Finnally, he tells the farmer
that his friend is picking watermelons.

One day, in the recreation room of the Peaceville
Nursing Home, a little old woman and a little old
man were sitting watching t.v. There was usually
nothing better to do.

The little old woman suddenly turned to the little
old man and said "I bet I can guess your age." The
little old man responded. "Can not." The little
old woman replied, "Yes, I can. All I have to do
is take a good look at your penis. I can tell a
person's age by their penis."

The little old man thought about this for a while,
and then decided to see if this was true. So, he
stood up and dropped his drawers.

The little old woman took a long good look at the
penis. She studied it for a few minutes and then
smiled. "You are 94", she said.

The little old man was amazed! "You're right!" He
laughed. "How could you do that?"

"Oh," smiled the little old woman, "You told me
yesterday."

Migine-ebaba, where have u been?

miginnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeessssss! won't u stop? thot u were a genius?

e com pruv u rong bah?

na u talk am!

na ques i ask u

sylve11:

Migine-ebaba, where have u been?

man i,ve been around o but bizzy. work load is preventing me from dropping in as often as i use to but been great!

lysaa:

miginnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeessssss! won't u stop? thot u were a genius?

so did i till I realized i was way more than just a genius.
hwdy girl?
ur posts a'int going up any faster than mine wats up u dont visit often as well?

A little boy and his grandfather are raking
leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an
earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in
that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five
dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to
put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes
back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the
worm until it is straight and stiff as a board
Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The
grandfather hands the little boy five dollars,
grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back
out and hands the boy another five dollars. The
little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me
five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know.
That's from your Grandma."

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife.
He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn’t able
to do the job. He finally went to his best friend
and asked for advice. His friend told him not to
worry because he knew a method that was a 100
percent successful. He says, “Hire a big strong
black man to stands near your bed and waving a
huge towel over both of you while you are having
sex. This way your wife will be stimulated an
have an orgasm.”

The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts
were in vain. He went back to his friend and
told him what happened. So his friend suggested
that they switch places. “Why don’t you wave the
towel while the strong man does the job in bed,”
says the friend.

He agreed and said that he would do anything to
satisfy his wife. He hires the same guy again
and this time they trade positions. Naturally,
the woman has a divine orgasm. The husband leans
over to the black guy and says, “You see!
That’s how you wave the towel.”

Q: What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his
intelligence?

A: Divorced.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next
twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

A man and his wife had been stranded on
a deserted island for many years.

The morning following a bad storm, a new
guy washes up on the shore. The new guy
and the wife are very attracted to each
other right away, but realize certain
protocols will have to be observed. The
husband, however, is very glad to see
the second man there.

"Now we will be able to have three
people doing 8-hour shifts in the
watchtower, rather than two people doing
12-hour shifts."

The second man is only too happy to help
and in fact volunteers to do the first
shift. He climbs up the tower and stands
watch, observing the ocean horizon for
any ships. Soon the husband and wife
start placing stones in a circle in
order to make a fire to cook supper. The
second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back:
"We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put
driftwood into the stone circle. Again
the second man yells down: "Heeey, no
screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not
screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on
the roof to their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the second man yells down
from high above: "Hey, I said no
screwing!!"

They yell back "We said we're not
screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the second
man climbs down from the tower and the
husband starts to climb up. He's only
half-way up and the wife and the second
man are screwing their brains out. Once
he reaches the top, the husband looks
out from the tower and says:
"WOW. From up here it DOES
look like they're screwing."

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.