Love is Blindness

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

The Irishman's Wish

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

The Scientist and the Frog

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."

So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."

So the scientist cut off his last leg.

"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Blonde Inventions


1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

what!
Two sperm are swimming in a women's body.

One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, just how far is the uterus anyway?"

The second sperm begins to laugh and says, "The uterus!? We just passed the esophagus."

Little Johnny's Stork

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who bleeps the stork?"

POV

An Insult:
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass!

MAN ND WIFE CHAP2

WIFE: if you don't eat the food you are sleeping on the couch tonight.

MAN: Promise me.

Bar, Alabama

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back

Sex with Patients



A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's
activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his
actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good
moral side and that of his mischievous side.
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says
"don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients." The man
tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says "don't worry
about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients." Feeling somewhat
relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time
another voice in head says, "but you're a veterinarian."

Becoming a woman

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.
When she found Joey she told him what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was.

Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"

Job Application

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''

Your Family Is So Poor

Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”

An Egyptian man is walking,

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

Control Issues



Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking
about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you?
What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the
other day I had her on her knees."

The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Whoa! What happened next?", they asked, inching closer to hear what the third
man had to say.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, "Yep. I had
her on her knees. Until she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and
fight like a man!'"

Free Drinks! Free Drinks!

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass, "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Drunk Musicians

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player said to the other: ''We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few drinks.'' They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other: ''To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together so the conductor will have to untie it when he gets near the end.''
They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish. The next day when someone asked their friend how the concert was they replied: ''The most exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded.''

Parking Space



The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when
a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.

The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you've got to be young
and smart to do that."

The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched
the sports car into a crumpled heap.

"Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"

Fast Driving



Two men were driving down a city street, as they approach a red stop light,
the man driving speeds up and drives through a red light.

Shocked, the passenger yells, "What are you doing!"

The driver just responds in a casual tone, "That's the way my brother drives."


As they continue down the street, they again came upon another red stop
light and again the drive speeds through the intersection.

Again the passenger yells, "What are you doing!"

The driver says, "That's the way my brother drives".

Not too long after that, they came upon a green light.

The driver quickly slams on his breaks and comes to a complete stop just
before the intersection.

The angry passenger screams, "It's a green light!"

The driver says, "Yes, but my brother might be coming the other way!"

No Mercy



A guy is driving down a deserted highway.

He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign.

From out of nowhere, a cop car pulls him over.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

GUY: Hey, I slowed down, didn't I

COP: You must come to a full stop at the sign.

GUY: Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?

The cop pulls out his baton and starts to pound the man without mercy.

COP: Well? Do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?

Speed limit



A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it, Cop :
"Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway
you're on!"Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more
careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the
passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong
with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh, We just got off of highway 119".

Migines u're real good wit jokes. Kip em up.

Haha ha.

;d
thanks

Man nd wife:chap3

WIFE: honey will u pls go clean up d garden? Its in a big mess.
MAN: BULLSHIT!
WIFE: and dats exactly wot u'll b having 4 dinner tonight.

Man nd wife:chap5


WIFE: honey dinner is ready!

MAN:is my coffin ready as well?

Man nd wife chap4

WIFE: don't deny it, you hate my family

MAN: no i don't hate your fmily. infact i love your mother in-law much more that i like mine

nice one waoh Laughing my cute ass off

"What are you doing?"



A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.
She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter playing with her
vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married,
so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon
entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you
doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I
will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand
and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and
watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

25 THINGS YOU WILL LEARN IN 50 YEARS OF LIVING



1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of
humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are
entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace
in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward
the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few
microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter
enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new
concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible
plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN
AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time
they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY
BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to
locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited
and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be:
"meetings."

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what
the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
- If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the
advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other
Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to your father.
- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are
significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that
Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting
excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny
Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to
this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip.
- And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the
product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the
advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran
for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants
Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as
His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

lil Johnny



Johnny walks into the bathroom and catches his mom sitting on the bowl in her
full glory.
He runs out to tell his dad. He asks his dad "What's that big gash
between mommy's legs?"
Dad replies, "That's where I accidentally hit her with an axe!"
The Johnny replies "WOW, you got her right in the cunt!"

The 2 Aliens



Once there was two aliens that they came down to earth looking for jobs. One
of them went to work at a Restaurant and the other went to work at a candy
store. One day as they came down the street, they found a dead man on the
ground. A police man shows up and asks, "How did you kill this man?" One of the
aliens said, with forks and knifes. The police man said you are going to jail.
One of the aliens replied back "goodie gum drops, goodie gum drops."