English is really crazy

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,
and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices?
Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the
weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out,
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they
are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up
this essay, I end it.

RULES FOR COLLEGE ROOMMATES

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting
signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend's, cousin's, sister's,
ex-best friend's, father-in-law's, stepson is probably too important to be
interrupted.
2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.
a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of
paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes
b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware
that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the
callee's first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this
3. Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommate’s items
until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the
spatula).
4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please,
certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and will
clean up after you. Just because you are big enough to make a mess shouldn't
obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.
5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock the
bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to drive to
the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take a 40
minute shower--it really stinks when a roommate leaves for work early and you
have to take the bus.
6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all times--we
are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve energy--let other
less important people do that.
7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommate’s
room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It's important that they
know you are going to make a phone call to your dog!
8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to
whoever is calling so that they won't call back and bother you again--how dare
they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!
9. Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash--if your roommate won't do it, just
let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so why lower yourself
to that level especially when you are a princess?
10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with her,
but don't bother to offer her any money for gas. This is the 90's and gas is
free for all Summer Interns.
11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks
and in the shower. Don't clean out your brush over the trash can, of course your
roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and every time they go
to the bathroom.
12. Don't ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because it was
buried behind all the stuff that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold is a
beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop through its stages.
13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it is in
your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if it’s not open, your
roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your
roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing about
it--you can always blame it on the cookie monster.
14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't ask you to feed them
when she leaves town--then don't bother wasting your time feeding them. They're
only fish, and they probably won't need to eat anyway.
15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don't have a cd player or
stereo, simply remove your roommate's from her room. She won't mind if you leave
it, or any of her cd's, on the floor. After all, if it is not yours, why should
you have to put it away??!!??
16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your
roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She probably
doesn't want to use her pot anyway.
17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like cooking
for someone else--you should definitely take your roommates chicken and cook it.
Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner guest that it is your food.
18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some
spaghetti sauce and you don't have any to give them, feel free to go into a
roommates cabinet and give away theirs. They can always go to the grocery store
and buy some more for themselves. Oh, and don't tell them that you've given it
away either until the ever so friendly neighbor brings back a few drops of it
and thanks you for giving it to them.
19. If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with her because
she knows that you have never been there, be sure to do the following:
a. insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2 of you around the city
b. don't say thank you for anything and act as bored as possible
c. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a rotten time that
you.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local
university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new
students, having over 500 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The
professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his
desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half
of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for
an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated
sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up
and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour
later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam
booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of
sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams,
stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the

Miggie u too dey. Ur jokes are smthing else.
Of course the prof does not know him so he can't distinguish his paper from others abi?
I think I'll follow ur advice on rules 4 college roomates. Only I've left college.

Miggie u too dey. Ur jokes are smthing else.
Of course the prof does not know him so he can't distinguish his paper from others abi?
I think I'll follow ur advice on rules 4 college roomates. Only I've left college.

A Lesson From Management

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't
had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any
soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door
and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we
placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never
say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on
its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Rain."

@Aiphie
thanx 1ns again. U're ma favrite thread fan.
But cnc all dis days i still cant learn to "laf responsibly" u're gud wit dat thread.chaol.

"There is but a thin line between porverty and insanity"
=>d rich man says

Riddle me this:chap5

I never was, i'm always to be. None ever saw me, nor ever will, and yet i'm the confidence of all who live and breath on the terrestrial ball.


Check bak 4 answer

clue:one word

Can't stop laughing_{laugh so loud}Good! kip it up.

"I do", the longest sentence known to man.

"I do", the longest sentence known to man.

Q.Wats d difference btw a wife and a girl friend.
A. About 45 Ibs

funny

Advertising Secretary

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed
off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned
her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly
covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped
angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you
quit advertising it."

Reply To A Rejection Letter

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or
publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful
consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to
offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book]. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of
rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is
impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding
qualifications and previous experience in rejecting[applicants/manuscripts], I
find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I
will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following
[graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here]. I look forward to working
with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,

[your name]

Naming The Business

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
"Hysteria and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go, so they tried:
"Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive.":

Still not good, so they tried:
"Minds and Behinds".

Still no go. Nor did:
"Analysis and Anal Cysts",
"Nuts and Butts",
"Freaks and Cheeks" or
"Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Jet Fuel

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hanger at
JFK airport in New York; it's fogged over and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The
other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that will give you a
buzz." So they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and have a good old
time like only drinking buddies can do.

The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid to sit up for fear
his head will explode from the awful hangover he's going to have. He gets up and
feels good, in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER!

The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey how are you feeling
this morning? I'm actually feeling really good!" The buddy says, "Me too! I feel
great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover, we ought to do this more
often!"

"Yeah, we could but there's just one thing, " "What's that?" "Did you fart
yet?" "No, Why?" "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!"

Hey That’s Inflation For Ya

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every
day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her
pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as
the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual,
the pretzel woman spoke to him: " Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a
good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has
increased to 35 cents."

Scotch & Water

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a
scotch and two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and
I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink.
In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should
buy you a drink too."

The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."

"Alright" says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one
around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one
too."

The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."

"Comin' right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
scotch and only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold
your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

Really Tied One On

A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until
it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to
wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That
wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back
pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk
though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt.

He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to UnCloth.
Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough,
he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as
best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.

When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was
hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.


Just then, his wife entered the room and said, "Well, it looks like you
really tied one on last night. Where were you?"

"I worked late, dear," he replied, meekly, "and went out for a couple of
beer."

"A couple of beer? That's a good one," she snapped. "You got plastered! Where
did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all
the band-aids stuck to the mirror, "

After a holiday

After a holiday, workers were coming back to work, and those who had already
been inside the workshop, greeted every new arrival walking in with the same
question, "Hey, pal, how have your holiday been?" And everybody would answer
proudly, "It was a beautiful celebration. I don't remember a thing!"

No we won't

At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to
the Moon. The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to
Mars". The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people
to go to the Sun". One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know that you'll
burn up?" The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!"

Accountant Goes to Jail

A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge guy with a big bulge. The cellmate says, "I wanna have some sex. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife?"
The little guy says, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

Modern government regulations

Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas . . .
. . . there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she
uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together
and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me
plant it?"
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did; The
wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my
wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At
last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked
the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They
wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No,
I shall eat all five loaves."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
The pig just grunted in disdain.
And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the
little red hen, shouting obscenities. When the government agent came, he said to
the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so
wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our
modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of
their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand." But her
neighbors became quite disappointed in her, for she never again baked any more
bread.

Boys & Girls

What is the difference between a boy and a girl?
A boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.

Two tigers

Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to
the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five
minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom
of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and
says, "I said stop it!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five
minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The
front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the
taste out of my mouth!"

Insulting Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're
really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more
said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went
into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The
store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot
didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey,
lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

Rocket Science

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle,
all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshield of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the
gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the
barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed
through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along
with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for
suggestions.

NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."

Four Men and Their Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the
fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.

"T-Square, do your stuff."

T- Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could
do better.

He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your
dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured
his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

DEFINITION OF A TEENAGER

Teenager (noun)
1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups
in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo sapiens due to
physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many
researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species
altogether. Very territorial.
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer
groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and
responsibility. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can
consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are
usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides
and look ridiculous.
The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes,
throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract
males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their
approval by staring at the display. The call of the female is complex and
shrill: "Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh!" Males are less vocal, signaling to other
males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?"
Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold
telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged
for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, "I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My
HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK." The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving
energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers
concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking
dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo sapiens
families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one or more than one
Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite,
rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this
rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the
host Homo sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice.

2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or
inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager."
3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support.
("I have a Teenager at home." Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue
clucking, and shoulder shrugging.

Strawberry Manure

A little boy runs across this farmer who has a truckload of cow manure. The boy asks him what he is going to do with all that cow poop. The farmer tells the little boy, ''I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries.''
The little boy looks up at the farmer and says, ''I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.'''