THE BRIBE

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over
next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of
candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car
pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy
you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the
driver. "You bought the Ford, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

A POEM FOR MOMS AND DADS

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

Erotic costume

After having watched a number of fashion shows, a woman became obsessed with
the modern vogue. She started inventing all kinds of attires. Once her husband
came home and saw his wife walk naked in the apartment.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Ah, you're ignorant of the new trends in fashion. This is just my new erotic
costume."
"Then at least iron it."

SIGNS YOU PUT YOUR KID IN THE WRONG PRE-SCHOOL

* Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of
"Lord of the Flies."
* Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some water paints,
and no pants.
* "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!"
* Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.
* No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender
Ambiguous directly into the NBA.
* Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure.
* Leather-clad teacher announces that today's letters are S and M.
* The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.

* She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.

* Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.
* For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.
* "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.
* The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps
getting into my tequila."
* On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos."

nice, right

MOTHER'S DICTIONARY

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have
sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de
children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert?
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained
carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word?
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
LOOK OUT! What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream
it
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

THINGS A FATHER WILL NEVER SAY

* Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for
directions.
* You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for
non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
* I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. I like
that in a young person!
* Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!!
* What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough
for you, son?
* Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider
throwing a party.
* Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those
doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it
towed to the mechanic's and pay whatever they ask.
* No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit
your belly aching and lets get to the mall.
* Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to
spend.
* Father's Day? Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big deal

GENERATION GAP

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I
want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here
at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close
behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go
with you."

GENERATION GAP

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I
want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here
at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close
behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go
with you."

Black eye

A woman came to work with a black eye.
"Who did you that?"
"Husband."
"We thought he was on a business trip."
"That's what I thought too."

MOTHER SAYS

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of
good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling:
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.
Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary,
but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces,
Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a
hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still
could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball
in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do
you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off
more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but
you're starting to look a little purple."
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but
I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the
insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear
family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get
off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders
around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something, ?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been
for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've
decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much
time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric
light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

My computer crashed!

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn’t work."
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech
Support: "Click on ‘File,’ then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you
learn how to do that?"

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've
got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

Little Johnny at School.

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said,
'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!' "

Accountant in Heaven

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is
amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I
wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a
remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am
overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living
to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know
what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets

Presently viewing, The Shoplifter,

The Shoplifter,

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either.
What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend.
Can you show me something less expensive?"

Eating with children.

Eating with Children

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"

Top reasons to study Economics

1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."

2. Economists can supply it on demand.

3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.

4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how
they turned out.

5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are
there.

6. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".

7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get
taught that reward is its own virtue.

8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the
law of diminishing marginal utility.

9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something
to talk about.

Relative to what?

Two economists meet on the street.

One inquires, "How's your wife?"

The other responds, "Relative to what?"

Businessman is dying

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to
promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

wit me, u go. . . . . [/color]

 

[color=#990000]. . . . .and u thank me [color=#990000][/color]

lol

Amebo:chap3
BRB, i'm off to the "house of assembly"
i want to improve on my boxing.

Johnny in class

teacher:what instrument is used to view micro organisms in a biology lab?
Johnny:micro-biology.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Good:ur hubby md u decide;no more kids.
Bad:u cant find ur birth controll pills.
Ugly:they're wit ur daughter.

Good:ur son studys a lot in his rum.
Bad:u find a lot of Indecency movies hidden in there.
Ugly: u're in them.

Good:u have a talk on s*x wit ur 13yr old girl.
Bad:she keeps interrupting.
Ugly:with corrections.

Good:ur wife's not talkn to u.
Bad:she wants a divorce.
Ugly:she's a lawyer.

Good:ur daughter works at a hospital.
Bad: shes afraid of blood.
Ugly:U're her patient.

Good:the post man is early.
Bad:he's wearing a hood and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: u gave him nothing 4 chrismas.

My advice to all.

Never tell ur 6yr old ne thing bad about ur boss or the neighours.
(they just myte come visiting 4 dinner)

Never tell ur 6yr old ne thing gud bout the girl nxt door.
(u myte as well find a good signature)

Answer:Riddle me this chap5


TOMORROW!

Riddle me this:chap6

one has an eye without a head, the other a head without an eye. U may find the answer if u try.
But, when all is said nd done, half the answer lies on a thread.

Clue:
"A stitch in tym saves nine"

Riddle me this:chap6

one has an eye without a head, the other a head without an eye. U may find the answer if u try.
But, when all is said nd done, half the answer lies on a thread.

Clue:
"A stitch in tym saves nine"

check bak 4 d answer.

Riddle me this:chap7

Day or night, on my softness u find comfort. Within me the wools of the fields find refuge.


Clue: u still need a clue for this?

Migines:

Riddle me this:chap6

one has an eye without a head, the other a head without an eye. You may find the answer if u try.
But, when all is said nd done, half the answer lies on a thread.

Clue:
"A stitch in time saves nine"

check bak 4 d answer.

The answer is needle

Migines:

Riddle me this:chap7

Day or night, on my softness u find comfort. Within me the wools of the fields find refuge.


Clue: u still need a clue for this?

You'll be so stupid if the answer is a Pillow

CORRECT!


Just 4 the record, that waz totally uncalled 4.