Then Its a sad case of amnesia cuz clem sed u were d nerdy guy behind me.

@migs you're totally wrong you must be the one with amnesia coz if you'll remember i wasn't there on the day of your weeding. I forgot to jump the fence when coming in your house and walked through the gate. It was all silent when suddenly i saw two german shepherd's coming towards my direction and walking around me in a circle way *in suspence* then suddenly, you know that happened. So if you'll remember i was at the hospital when the weeding was going on and you were the one who took me there.

*phase three plan on how to revenge on migs dog*. *laughing loudly in a devishly way* ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I have learnt dat for marriage to occur, there must be chemistry. . . . between ur wife nd ur money.

Riddle me this:chap 9

The pride of a man, the delight of a woman, the kind of a kind by a kind.

Clue

Every fight is a food fight. . . if u are a carnibal.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. . . or a game of fake heart attacks.

Britain has invented a new missile, its called "civil servant"-it doznt work and it cannot be fired.

Government is like a baby- An alimentary canal with a big appetite one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

You dont know a woman till u've met her in court.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on it.

Giving power to the government is like giving a child ur car keys and a bottle of beer.

A commitee is the only form of lyf wit a hundred bellies and no brains.

The strenght of a man is like a rod, it runs from his neck to his crack-his spine.

Man shall not live by bread alone, thats why we have wine.

Couldn't play without me

When I was a young boy, all the other kids insisted that I was in the football
team. They said I was vital to the game.
They couldn't possibly play without me.
They needed me.
I was the only one with a football.

Picked for the school team

"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been
selected for the school football team."
"That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been
selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?"
"Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard
the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great
draw-back."

Play every other match

`I just don't understand it,' an Irish footballer complained.
`One match I play very well, and then the next match I'm terrible.'
'Well,' said his wife, `why don't you just play every other match?'

Just so long

`I don't care about results!' said an Irish team manager being interviewed on
television. 'Just so long as our team wins!'

What was it at half-time?

Paddy: 'I couldn't get to the match last Saturday. What was the score?'
Mick: 'Nil-nil.'
Paddy: `What was it at half-time?'

She's much better

A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach
said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no
bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"

Any other questions?

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because my lawyer isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to lawyer): Do you have any comments on defendant's motion?
Lawyer: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: All right. Any other questions?

Did he kill you?

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

I can't remember

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

He should be present

Prospective Juror: Judge, I would like to be excused from jury duty because my
wife is about to become pregnant.
Attorney: Judge, he doesn't mean his wife is about to become pregnant;he means
she is about to deliver.
Judge: He may be excused. In either case he should be present.

my my
migines u are going to kill us ohhhhhhhhhh
very funny

(with pride) dats my dalyn in action lol

Insult

You are a big boy, fat is an understatement.

*waving*
thank u honnie, thank u tessy.

Chick

waiter:what would u like to order miss?
Girl: hmmmm. . . . i'll like 2doughnuts, 2sussagerolls, 1meatpie, and some snacks.

pls i cant start my day like this
sticthes already

Strict Sex Schedule

A young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during their
honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule
to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would
go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for
months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to
the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three
germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't
think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think
they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out
tonight, I'm goanna be on it!"

Microsoftie

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

Abstinence

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his
church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks
and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final
couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired
couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough
for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was
fine until she dropped the can of paint.
''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man.
''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her
right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and
said that they were not welcome in the church.
''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''

Add It Up: Relationship Guide

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the
world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something
she likes and you get points? Do something she dislikes and points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects, Sorry,
that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed, +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows, 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets, -1
You leave the toilet seat up, -5
You leave the toilet lid down, -10 after the lights are out, -30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty, 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex, -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom, -2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings, +5
But return with beer, -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night , 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing, 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something, +5
You pummel it with a six iron, +10
It's her father, -10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party, 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
buddy, -2
Named Tiffany, -4
Tiffany is a dancer, -6
Tiffany has implants, -8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner, 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar , +1
Okay, it is a sports bar, -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night, -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team, -10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal, -5
And the pal is happily married, -4
Or frighteningly single, -7
And he drives a Mustang, -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED), -15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie, +2
You take her to a movie she likes, +4
You take her to a movie you hate, +6
You take her to a movie you like, -2
It's called Death Cop 3, -3
Which features cyber having sex, -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans , -15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly, -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it, +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts , -30
you say "I don't give a damn because you have one too", -800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?”, -5
you hesitate in responding, -10
you reply, "Where?", -35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like
a concerned expression, 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes, +5
you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV, +10
she realizes this is because you've fallen asleep, -20

Three Embarrassing Moments

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got
up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine
her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the
entire store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX, and SUPERSIZE." That was
bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the
word "tamp ax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom: "DOES YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone
ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her piggyback ride to
the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on
and a whole crowd of people yelled ''SURPRISE!'' My entire family — aunts,
uncles, grandparents, cousins — and all my friends were standing there! My
girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what
seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise
party

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if
she did not start behaving right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ''If you don't let
me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last
night!'' The silence was as deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

You Bet Your (Sex) Life

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of
strokes.

The golfer says to him, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your
sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless,
but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the
putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,
"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

This guy sees his new neighbor,

This guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get
acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a
living.

The new neighbor says,” I’m a professor." The first neighbor then
asks,"Oh yeah, what do you teach?"

"Logic", the professor responds. "What is that?" the neighbor #1inquires.

"Well, let me see if I can give you an example, you have a dog, right?"

"Yeah, that's right, “the neighbor #1 responds.

"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.

"Wow, right again," exclaims the neighbor.

"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?''
proclaims the professor.

"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"

"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your
backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so
you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and
if you’re married, you are most likely heterosexual, it was all logical!"

The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if
he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.

"What's he like?"

"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."

"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"

"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend. "Well, then," proclaims the man,
"you must be gay!"

Garden of Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked
Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God
said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called “woman”.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never
ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not
nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and
compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God
said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest
is history,

One day a little girl came running into her house

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five
dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see
your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I
got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is, ''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked
him, I didn't wear any panties today.''