Things You Can't Say at Work

ahhh, i see the f***-up fairy has visited us again,

i don't know what your problem is, but i'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

i see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

i'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

it sounds like english, but i can't understand a word you're saying.

i can see your point, but i still think you're full of s***.

i like you. you remind me of when i was young and stupid.

you are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

i have plenty of talent and vision. i just don't give a damn.

i'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

thank you. we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

what am i? flypaper for freaks!?

yes, i am an agent of satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

and your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be, ?

do i look like a people person?

this isn't an office. it's hell with fluorescent lighting.

sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

if i throw a stick, will you leave?

i'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

can i trade this job for what's behind door #1?

how do i set a laser printer to stun?

i thought i wanted a career, turns out i just wanted a paycheck.

Oops!

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT,
But my wife out in the car still does!"

A bunch of better idiots!

These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses"

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $
39.
95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha, what a bone head!

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm, I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen, do you?

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No, that's your brain miss-firing.)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months." (I know, how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." (Ok, hold on, I'll check with the caveman, )

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

New Guy On The Job

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place
you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees
by their last name only, Smith, Jones, Baker, that's all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your
last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is, "

New Guy On The Job

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place
you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees
by their last name only, Smith, Jones, Baker, that's all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your
last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is, "

The Trainee,

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

On The Job Wisdom

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and
people who don't work here anymore.

3 Sick Soldiers,

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

Hey That’s Inflation For Ya

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every
day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her
pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as
the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual,
the pretzel woman spoke to him: " Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a
good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has
increased to 35 cents."

Advertising Campaigns Gone Bad

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted
them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the
Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea".

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
manure stick".

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned
that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside,
since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious Indecency magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate".

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".

Bubba and Junior!

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long,
an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as
he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while,
another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed
with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all
try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage
and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb
the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes
part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with
a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of
the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb
the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have
been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever
again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way they've always done
it and that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins,

Aussie Trouser Snake.

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands , ! "

Virus Warning

There is a new virus going around, called 'work'. If you receive any sort of
'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a
colleague, DO NOT OPEN IT.

Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have
been tempted to open 'work' or even look at 'work' have found that their social
life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter 'work' via email or are faced with any 'work' at all, then
to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'Sorry, I'm off
to the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be deleted from your brain.

If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and
drag the 'work' to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest
bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.

After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no longer
be of any relevance to you.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone
in your address book, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has already corrupted
your life.

Army vs. Marines!

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Quick Thinking Boy

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold
whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only
a half.

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the
back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a
head of lettuce."

As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing
he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy
the other half."

The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the
manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier,
but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your
feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir".

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota," asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just hookers and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "Oh Really! What team did she play for?"

Old Professions

A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of
whose profession was the oldest. "I think my line of work would win this one
hands down," the surgeon said. "After all, Eve was created from Adam's rib, and
that sounds like surgery to me." "Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam,
order was created out of chaos. That was an architectural accomplishment."
"Sure," the politician said. "But before that, someone had to create the chaos."

True Story: On the Sea

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when
he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under
way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and
soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with
talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign
glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman
approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he
was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon
completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with
amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten
rules -- Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

Dear John Reply

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you , please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

Business Rules Part I

I can only please one person per day. today is not your day. tomorrow is not
looking good either.

i love deadlines. i especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.

tell me what you need, and i'll tell you how to get along without it.

accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

needing someone is like needing a parachute. if he isn't there the first time,
chances are you won't be needing him again.

i don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

last night i lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and i thought to
myself, where the f*** is the ceiling?

my reality check bounced.

on the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

i don't suffer from stress. i am a carrier.

you are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste
good with ketchup.

everyone is someone else's weirdo.

never argue with an idiot. they drag you down to their level then beat you
with experience.

a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

after any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than
you did before.

the more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

you can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Army Wisdom
A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

10 second fuses only last 7 seconds. Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing. Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid. If the enemy is in range, so are you. If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. The easy way is always mined.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When you're not ready for them. b. When you're ready for them. Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. When in doubt empty the magazine.

Jack and Jill Went to Work

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack
or Jill, He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next
morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought
he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither
employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the
longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that
day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who
would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill
finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, 'Jill, I
have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off.'

Jill said, 'Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus.'

Construction Code

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He
sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man
indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs.
He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he
moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to
masturbate.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor
yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was
saying that I needed a handsaw!''

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying
to tell you that I was coming.''

US Air Force Humor!

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe) (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious! (P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Texas Secretary

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so
he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into
his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas. If I were to
give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Actual Business Signs In USA


In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."


In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
Church."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you
can come here?"

In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of
aunts."

The New CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new
boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers
and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - “and how much money do you make a week?”


Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a
week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - “here’s a week’s pay,
now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and
asks - “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - “That was the Pizza
delivery guy”.

Famous Quotes

Ah, yes divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem? - Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams

Famous Beer Quotes!

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years,

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
--G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--Anonymous

If God had intended us to drinkbeer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven,
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

Stoopid Baby Names

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Blonde in an Elevator

A tall blonde and a tall brunette are stading in an elevator. A short bald man with lots of dandruff walks in, then gets off at the next floor. The brunette says, “Boy he could use some head and shoulders.”
The blonde says, “Hm. How do you give shoulders?”

10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.
9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.
8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.
7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.
6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'
5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.
4. Prefers NPR to any music.
3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.
2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.
1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.