Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly
prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests,
MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the
bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up,
pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen
more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave
it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple that already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day

Man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The
little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call
her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary
is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the
computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when
you lay her down on the couch."

Finding The Lord

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might
be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis
on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is
Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's
in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He
finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’”

I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Hudson's
daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane
Hudson." The minister spoke to her in Sunday school and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Hudson's daughter?" She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm
not."

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose

How NOT to Wash Your Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery
picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over,
and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he hade lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you
wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and
paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer
asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died
but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the rinse cycle!"

where did I come from?"

Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for
which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room,
got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought
she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions.
Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. "Does that answer your
question?" her father asked. "Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said
she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

A man was helping one of his cows

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old
son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man
thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm going to have to start explaining the birds
and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son,
do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How
fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

You've a face like a million dollars

You've a face like a million dollars
all green and wrinkled.

lol those jokes are simply thrilling i love em

uve a face like a million dollars, all old, green, and wrinkled

uve a body like a million dollars, ure all over the world

cheers

Thanks girl

You're doing a good job at keeping me ROFLMAO

Thanks Aiphie, datts d point.

Johnny goes to church

pastor:johnny, why not come to church and join the army of the lord.

Johnny:but i come to church and i'm in the lord's army.

Pastor:so how come i never see u.

Johnny:datts becos i'm in the secret service.

lol how are u doing

Going somewhere?

nope

Then, Here i come

Rules of the Modern World

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to If at first you don't
succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their
level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is:
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project
Management at its best).

Arithmetic

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

Teaching Math in,

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M"
of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set
"C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points
than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set
"M" and answer the following question: What is the
cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering
the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves
its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital
gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his
stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no
longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on
benefits and when demand for their product is down the
logging work force can easily be cut back. The average
logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and
medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50
an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to
its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the
corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the
rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its
remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the
spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable
trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the
Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the
company from all federal regulation. What is the
return on investment of the lobbying costs?

ARE YOU READY FOR COLLEGE?

The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend
college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers
for each question as your answer.
1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You
suddenly realize you don't have any clean socks. You:
a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two
that don't make your eyes water.
b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own
wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you
thought tonight was the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment you'll need to find a roommate. The
most important feature in a roommate is:
a. They don't own an accordion.
b. Their main goal in life isn't to prove heterosexuality is vastly
overrated.
c. When they tell you they love smokin' rock, they are referring to
an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
d. They don't arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says "cockroaches are people
too."
3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it's
two hours before the paper is due and you haven't even written the first line.
You:
a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
b. You write a fantasy paper titled, "What if Shakespeare was born a pig?" You
rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, "Piglet."
c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole' days
when it wasn't considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new
friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what
you're made of. Your biggest goal is:
a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before
big tests.
c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn't begin with 1-900.
d. To prove illiteracy isn't necessarily a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which
of the following is the best way to save money?:
a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a
catchers mitt and screaming, "food fight!"
b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your
glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting
off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans.
This has the added benefit of insuring you won't have any friends who'll try to
talk you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it's crucial that, on your
college application you don't mention:
a. In high school you were voted "most likely to become a political
prisoner."
b. You haven't tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled
your Prozac dosage.
c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A
for effort.
7) It's a generally considered a bad sign if:
a. You're asked to pledge "Geek."
b. MIT tells you they'll accept you as long as you qualify for their football
scholarship.
c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a
Second Language.
d. An aptitude shows you're best qualified to be homeless.
The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
c. You have no hope since you've never passed as much as a urine test.
d. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you're paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams,
be sure to impress the interviewer by:
a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the
country.
b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations
and the New World Order, and how you've figured out how to build a powerful bomb
out of old newspapers and Hershey's syrup.
d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations.
In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your
first class.)
d. All of the below.
Scoring your test:
For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health
practitioner immediately!

MATH THEOREM OF PYTHAGORAS

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an
island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for
years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out
to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle,
the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second
kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp
was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was
only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from
a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the
knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to
fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle
raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from
the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus
proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the
squares of the other two sides.

Letter

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I
will bring you up to date now, but before you read
on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down,
okay?

Well, then, I'm getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick
headaches once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the
fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in
the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out
dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment. It's really a
basement room, and it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married.

We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins
to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I
know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor
infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my
"down there" but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am
taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and although not well educated,he is ambitious. Although he is of a
different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in
the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease
and there is no miscegenation in my
life. However, I am getting a "" in history and an "F" in science, and I
wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.



Your loving daughter, Kimberly!

REALLY FUNNY SCIENCE EXAMPLES

These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the
cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebra symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great
deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmer’s grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the
winter.
The hookworm larva enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brines have more
convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

COLLEGE HABITS TO BRING HOME

1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.

2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.

6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.

8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.

9. Yell "FLUSH!"

10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.

11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.

12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.

13. Get dressed in the dark.

14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.

15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

17. Order pizza every Friday night.

18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a room
by yourself.

19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too
much extra space.

20. Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss them.

21. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go out.

22. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail
withdrawal).

23. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack
machine and pay phone in the house.

Not that kind'a guy



A cowboy walks into a Saloon after he rode 150 miles on his horse in one day.
He had a drink about two weeks ago, but he had himself a lady about two months
ago.

He enters the saloon sits down and orders a whiskey. He sees that he is the
only one in the bar except for the bartender. "Sorry, barkeep, tell me, you got
any gals around here?” the cowboy asks "No sir, 'Round here is only you, me, and
'Old George, there attar back," the barkeep replies as he shows in the direction
of the toilet with his head.

"No," shouts the cowboy, "I am not that kind’s guy."

So the cowboy just sits and orders another whiskey. After he had about half a
bottle he asks the barkeep the same question as earlier. He gets the same
answer:

"No sir, Round here is only you, me, and 'Old George, there attar back. Again
the cowboy says, "No way am I not that kind’s guy." So he just drinks and
drinks.

The more he drinks the hornier he gets. After he had about two bottles of
whiskey he asks the barkeep the same question and gets the same answer. But he
is so Hot by now that he decides 'Old George there attar back will have to do,
but he doesn't want anybody to know that he did 'Old George there attar back.

So he asks the barkeep: "If I do 'Old George there attar back, who's going to
know about it?" The barkeep answers: "Well, sir It will be me, you, 'Old George
there attar back, and the four guys holding him down, 'cause he isn’t that kinds
guy either!"

Two Deaf People

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that
they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights
because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of
fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance,
at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast
one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast
one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great
idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one
time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

Sneezes



A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The
woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man
isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently
wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that
he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet
again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The
man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times
you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are
you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

"Pepper", she replies.

Mating cats



Veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from
tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and
a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went
happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an
elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the
roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I
do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied
"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

Saying I Love You



How to say, "i love you" in 20 different languages:

english . . . . . . . . . .i love you

spanish . . . . . . , . te amo

french . . . . . . . . . . je t'aime

german . . . . . . . . . .lch liebe dich

japanese . . . . . . , .ai s**** imasu

italian . . . . . . . . . , ti amo

chinese . . . . . . . . . . wo ai ni

swedish . . . . . . . . . .jag alskar

alabama, arkansas, oklahoma, texas, louisiana, south carolina, georgia,
tennessee, west virginia, mississippi, north carolina and kentucky: , nice
tits!

Mouth Gig

Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Mouth Gig?
A. Mouth Gig: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
Mouth Gig.