My daughter



My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from "Josh" at the bank
regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's
last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather
sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."

Life After Death



"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine , " the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."

College professor



Tony, a college professor and a wealthy investor walked into a bank and said
to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr.Reginald Jones, who I
understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon
as we catch him."

A little girl asked her mother for ten cents



A little girl asked her mother for ten cents to give to an old lady in the
park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness. "There you are, my dear,
but, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells sweets!"

Things Children Have Learned

1.No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2.When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3.If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4.Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5.You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6.Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7.Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8.Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
9.Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
10.School lunches stick to the wall.
11.You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12.Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13.The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap

Little Johnny's Big Answer



It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep
their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

And Who Are These for, Little Boy?

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The
nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the
cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old
responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your
sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year old say, "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The
cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of
these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of
those things."

@ poster
guy where the hell do you get these your jokes from?
they're damn good
thumbs up

Little Johnny Gives to the Sick



Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt
nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the
lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody
will see you."

So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he
returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his
young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom.

Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE
SICK.''

Hell on your head

A lawyer died and was sent to hell for his numerous misdeeds. Satan decided to
give him a guided tour and let him choose the room he wanted to stay in for all
eternity.
The first room Satan brought him to be full of people standing on their heads
in four feet of hot coals. The lawyer decided that such living conditions were
not for him.
Next, Satan showed him a second room filled with lost souls standing on their
heads in four feet of sharp ice cubes. The lawyer said he was sensitive to cold
and could not spend eternity this way.
Satan then showed the lawyer the final room. This room had countless sinners
and criminals standing upright in four feet of cow dung. All the people were
drinking coffee. Although the stench was overpowering, the lawyer liked the
sight of coffee and decided upon this room.
Five minutes after Satan locked the lawyer into his final abode, the
supervising demon walked into the crowd and shouted, and “Coffee break is over!
Everyone back on their heads!"

@pieces
thanks

Handcuffs



A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture, of handcuffs.The motorist promptly
sent the money for the fine.

Snakes don't have feet

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me,
Teacher, snakes don't have feet.

Latex Factory

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the
needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a
minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is,
but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

A pregnant Irish woman

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and
falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes
up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the
doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle
from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle, he's an nutcase!"

She asks the doctor,” Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Ask yourself



While taking a psych. course in college, the teacher had a habit of putting
the following questions on an exam:

"Ask yourself a question and answer it"

Being a math major, I asked myself "Solve the following differential equation
[* equation deleted *] under the following conditions [* conditions deleted *]"
and proceeded to solve it.

The next day I stopped by the math office to see one of the profs. Hetold me
"Go away, I'm stuck grading your stupid psych. exam". I got full credit, and the
psych prof. never put that question on an exam again.

Big Boss Man

when the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. the brain said,
'' i should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and
functions.'' the feet said, '' we should be boss as we carry the brain about and
get him to where he wants to go.'' the hands said, '' we should be the boss
because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on
with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a****** spoke up. all
the parts laughed at the idea of the a****** being the boss. so the a****** went
on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. within a short time the eyes
became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began
to panic and the brain fevered. eventually they all decided that the a******
should be the boss, so the motion was passed. all the other parts did all the
work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***! moral of the story: you
don't need brains to be a boss - any a****** will do.

A Few Philosophical Statements,

Always take the time to smell the roses, and sooner or later you'll inhale a
bee.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek, nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning.
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators
with a lot of bright people.
It's always darkest just before dawn, so if you're going to steal the
neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore
someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on
someone else.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry. . But it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
When I'm feeling down I like to whistle, it makes my neighbor's dog run to
the end of his chain and gag himself.

Height of Laziness

Q-What is the height of laziness?

A-Adoption.

Troubled Man

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day
he's driving and sees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge
to swerve and hit her -- but he can't. Later, he sees a kid skating and can't
resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes
to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites
him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the
street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an
old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the
pastor says, ‘‘don’t worry. I got him with the door!''

Lack of Vision

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and
do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when
I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said,
"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes
off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

No problem

Everybody knows how gung-ho marines are, and how they're always looking for
things to volunteer for, right? well, a marine sees a flyer that is advertising
a project to cross a human male with a female gorilla. The flyer asks him to
participate in the project for $500. the guy figures, okay, and he goes to the
research facility where the experiment is going on. he walks in, and the project
director shows him the gorilla. The marine thinks for a minute, then says,
"okay, I've got three conditions. first, no kissing. i'm not gonna kiss that
hairy beast. second, I'm not gonna spend the night. I'm gonna do my thing and
leave." The director says that he has no problem with these two conditions. "so
what's your final one?" he asks. "Well, times are tough, and I don't have the
$500. do you think we could work out a payment plan?"

Amma hit u wit some more tommoro. u justrecover from this first.
chaol, but i'm still online.like i said " i no get job "

I took the key and manually unlocked the door.

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door
unlocked. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote
'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
I took the key and manually unlocked the door.

I want to be alone with you

One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with
his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her
choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich,
if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the
borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit
puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?"
The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."

Solutions to riddles=>

chap1: the car is an open roof convertible.
Chap2:they told it to him in confession.
Chap3:in step 4,
x=1 and y=1, i.e
x-y=0
(u can't divide by 0 )
chap4: 80mins=1hr 20mins

Mommy nd johnny

johnny:mummy! Mr nd mrs dickson re fckn.
Mummy:what! Johnny how do u knw dat?
Johnny:duh, monday-friday is 4 dad nd sat&sun is 4 mr dickson.

Mommy nd johnny

johnny:mummy! Mr nd mrs dickson re fckn.
Mummy:what! Johnny how do u knw dat?
Johnny:duh, monday-friday is 4 dad nd sat&sun is 4 mr dickson.

"Y re ppl making a big deal out of being short?
D oda day, a guy walked up to me nd asked "how's the weather down there"
nd believe me, i changed d weather btw his leg with a straight punch"


NOTE: THIS IS A QUOTE.

5 things u'll realise if u're being chased by a rotweiler.

1. U've got spidy sense.(u always think its bout to get u )

2. Mt Everest a'int dat high.

3. U re faster than Maurice Green.

4.As far as flying is concerned, u nd "superman" re the same.

5. If it gets 1 more step close, u're dead meat.

"A dieing old man is like a burning library" =>African proverb.

"A dieing old man is like a burning library"
=>African proverb.